Which of Henry VIII’s Queens Would Be Most Fun to Party With?

It’s a question we all contemplate at one time or another: which of Henry VIII’s brides would you bring your next night out on the town? Who would cluck like a mother hen, and who would do shots of Schnapps with you? Who’s passed out in a bathroom stall, and who’s impatiently shaking the car keys?

Obviously, none of them, considering they’ve all been dead for almost 500 years. So I’m gonna make some educated guesses for your amusement.

Remember, we’re working our way from party pooper to party animal.

Catherine of Aragon Wife #1

Everyone was pious in Tudor England, but Catherine set a whole new standard for fanatical worship. She spent endless hours in Church rubbing her rosary beads down to dust. Catherine’s idea of a good time was the Stations of the Cross and wearing a hair shirt. Nightlife does not factor in here unless it’s a vigil.

Catherine would forbid you from snogging with one of the guys in the band. She will remind you that your purity is your greatest treasure. Don’t even bother trying to debate the issue, or she’ll make you sit in the car. Everyone will wonder why you brought your mom out clubbing instead of leaving her home with her missal.

If you overindulge and barf, Catherine will let you spew all over your new top as penance for your grievous sins. This is not a “hold your hair while you hurl” friend. This is the “say a Hail Mary instead of twerking, ya ho” friend.

Catherine is only there to keep your soul out of hell and your body out of jail. She will spend the entire evening pursing her lips and folding her arms, clucking with disapproval.

Pro: you’ll always have a designated driver, so there is that. Catherine is smart, so she can figure out how to split the tab and how much to tip. Her talents are a godsend(lol) at last call.

Con: she won’t let you leave with your new friends for an after-party 20 miles away. Or two miles away. Or next door. You’re just not going, end of. Catherine will drive you home and wait until you’re safely in the door.

Your parents would love you hanging out with Katherine of Aragon. Enough said. Overall, avoid this one like the sweating sickness. Queen Catherine is bossy af and a major buzzkill.

Jane Seymour Wife #3

OK, better than Catherine of Aragon, but only minimally. Jane is so colorless and devoid of personality that she fades into a white wall, so she gets unintentionally jostled a lot in the Ladies Room. She's so dull I’m falling in a coma just writing about how dull she is.

Jane will watch your purse for you while you’re on the dance floor, but it’s highly doubtful she’ll join in. Instead, Jane will order one beer and nurse it for three hours. When she’s really wildin’, she’ll mouth along with the songs.

She will spend most of the night sitting at an empty table texting with her fella, the King. Jane never complains but is visibly relieved at closing time and even more visibly relieved when the exit off the highway approacheth.

Jane will play along with most of your shenanigans because she hates confrontation. She is passive, malleable, and nauseatingly patient. Jane will deal with your questionable judgment as long as it’s within the bounds of the law.

Pro: Designated driver par excellence. You can slur “Don’t Stop Believing” and collapse in a pile of giggles because reliable Jane is at the helm.

Con: Henry gave her a midnight curfew, not a minute later.

Jane is a pretty sweet deal in a lot of ways. But a midnight curfew? That’s a dealbreaker right there. Save a night out with Jane for emergency purposes only.

Katherine Parr Wife #6

Being the last wife, Katherine Parr has Henry at his oldest, fattest, and stinkiest. No doubt his marital history makes her jumpy. She’d probably kill for a drink.

A bit of a bluestocking, Katherine P. is a great choice if you’re heading to the bookstore or watching PBS. She seems slightly out of place and ill at ease in a crowded bar. Kate tries her best to fit in during social situations, but she’d rather be back home with a book. And I just can’t hold that against her.

However, if there’s a Reformation trivia contest, Katherine will kick some serious ass. If there happens to be a how-to-simp-enough-to-keep-your-head-and-not-lose-your-self-respect challenge, be sure you’re on Team Kate Parr.

Katherine may get up and dance a bit, but she’s always nervously watching the doors for a sign of Henry or his henchmen. Occasionally, Kate will walk on the wild side and slug a Coke with a shot of Jack in it. This gives her an immediate head buzz. Katherine’s waaaaay out of practice.

It’s hard for her to kick back and enjoy herself. For starters, her phone keeps blowing up from Henry’s new night nurse, asking questions like:

“Are His Majesty’s legs always this aromatic?”

All she has to do is wait for His Bloviating Majesty to kick the bucket. Then she can finally get her freak on with that cute bartender, Thomas Seymour.

Patience, Kate. Patience.

Pro: a great conversationalist if you’re not too drunk and it’s not too loud.

Con: constantly talks about that cute bartender Thomas Seymour. Uses three-syllable words when you’re at the monosyllabic grunt phase.

Overall, Katherine Parr is a good choice if you like to play it safe. And we know you don’t like to play it safe.

Anne of Cleves Wife #4

Anne of Cleves was the luckiest chick in Tudor England. Long story short, Henry wanted out of their marriage almost immediately, and Anne was happy to oblige him. In gratitude, Henry dubbed Anne his honorary sister and gave her shit tons of stuff.

Young, rich, and single, Anne loves to get her ya-yas out. She’s the undisputed Queen of the Tudor house party. Nothing like gambling and drinking in your ex-husband’s second wife’s childhood home. All the cool kids clamor for an invite to Anne’s salons. Even King Henry, hubby turned honorary brother, loves to chill at Anne’s, where the wine flows freely and the food is exquisite.

Anne loves to entertain. She’s not really a club girl, but every now and then she’ll pub crawl with the gang. When she does, she’s the life of the party and will drink everyone under the table.

Anne enjoys the occasional hookup but has no intention of getting serious with anyone. She comes and goes as she pleases, answerable to no one. Anne knows she holds an enviable position for a female and intends to hold on to her independence.

You go, girl.

Pro: interesting fashion choices, great card player. When you finally get her out, she’s pretty much up for anything.

Con: it’s almost impossible to drag her away from her castle.

Anne of Cleves is a great choice, especially if you enjoy house parties where everyone gets loopy and sleeps on the floor.

Anne Boleyn Wife #2

If you like dimly lit bistros and dark, smokey blues bars, Anne Boleyn is your go-to girl. She knows all the hip places that no one else does. Hookah bar? She knows of several. Best punk clubs? She’s got you covered.

Anne is a people watcher. She loves sidewalk cafes and speaks in perfect French to the server. Anne can be a shit-stirrer, but she’s totally loyal to her girls. If one of Anne’s friends gets in a fight, she’s right there to battle alongside them.

Queen Anne loves to strut her stuff on the floor and will drag you with her, like it or not. Anne loves to dance, and she’s quite good at it. She’s one of the few people who can actually do “The Electric Slide,” for real.

Since her marriage is now shite, Anne loves the escapism of the underground music scene. She knows that butthole husband of hers had a side chick. In fact, the two-faced bish humping on Henry was right across the table, guarding the purses.

Back in the day, Henry liked to party too. One time Anne and the King sang “You’re the One That I Want” at a karaoke bar and the regulars still talk about it. They all laughed and laughed and then Henry had Anne’s head chopped off.

Pro: charming, witty, intelligent. Always carries tissues and tampons.

Con: Endless grousing about the Pope.

A night on the town with Anne Boleyn will always be a memorable one. Highly recommend.

Catherine Howard Wife #5

Last but not least, we have the teenager Queen, Catherine Howard. Poor Catherine was the walking, talking embodiment of Henry’s midlife crisis. The Rose Without a Thorn and the Ginormous Pompous Prick.

Look! I can still get hot chicks! And they love me for me!”

Whatever you say, fella.

Catherine knows how to party her ass off(don’t say head, don’t say head, it’s too easy.) She lives in the moment and comes up with the best “I Love Lucy” type adventures. I’m talking waking up on Keith Richards' lawn-type adventures.

No one can rival Kitty at quarters — her prowess is legendary. She’s also quite adept at Strip Twister but always stops before she’s naked because she’s, you know, married and stuff.

She’s an energetic, affectionate puppy and sometimes other dogs come and sniff her inappropriately. Is that Catherine’s fault? Of course not. She’s the 16th century Britney Spears, pretty, a bit dim, and majorly manipulated.

Krazy Kitty will sing karaoke whether she knows the words or not. She doesn’t even need a microphone. Everyone claps because she’s so damn likable if a wee bit daffy. This chick keeps a pint of Southern Comfort in her bag, is on every guest list, always has backstage passes, and gets the most bomb weed imaginable.

If some stupid boy treats you badly, she’ll hold you while you cry in the ladies room. After that, she’ll find that fuck boy and call him a stupid dickhead.

Kitty is sweet, but not very creative.

Pro: brings jello shots to every gathering.

Con: the girlish giggling gets old after a while.

Kitty Howard knows how to have a good time and wants everyone else to have a good time as well. You may end up in jail, but you’ll have an anecdote for the ages. Definitely go for it.

Is it a coincidence that the two Queens Henry VIII executed are at the top of my list? Maybe. Maybe not.

We could examine the underlying psychological issues that compelled me to do so, but why bother? What the hell do I look like, Freud?