When your life partner's dreams don't involve you

Everyone's experiences are different, so I can only speak for my own. My significant other dreams of one day owning a company, being his own boss, and passing a legacy to children. We shared this dream to an extent. I had no desire to be the boss of a major enterprise, but being able to do something smaller, like a local bakery in our small rural town. His dream was nothing new, he had been talking about it for some time. But this is when I was able to understand the extent.

For his New Year's resolution, my partner decided to try jumpstarting his goals. To do this, he decided to work 100+ hours per week. To be fair, he did decide on only 10 hours over the weekend. But that leaves 16 hours Monday-Friday. With only 8 hours left in the day, he would have to sleep every hour he is not working during the week. Obviously, I felt a mix of emotions. I was proud of him for chasing his dreams, and happy that he was so excited to try to start up his company. On the other hand, I was devastated. I never imagined not being able to see him other than sleeping hours during the week. Our time together would be limited to weekends, and even then, being able to make plans would be tricky at best.

How would our relationship grow if we could not spend time together? This is where the crossroad began. Either the relationship would end there, as we go in separate directions, or we could find a way to make things work. That is where I think a lot of relationships are different. Some people are not willing to make compromises, where some give up too much ground. In my case, we decided to make things work. Making this work took sacrifices, but the relationship was worth keeping.

These are the steps we took to making the change work:

1. Find Time to Be Together Exclusively.

Whether it is one hour or half a day, find time to spend together exclusively. Maybe it is to watch a movie together, to play a board/card game, or to have dinner. My rule: no computers, tablets, or phones. Just the two of us with no other distractions. That way there is still bonding time. Especially if this kind of time is only happening once or twice a week, your partner needs to agree on shifting the focus to you and your relationship.

2. Put Yourself in His/Her Shoes

Everyone has a dream for their life, or some hope at least at one point. Imagine if it was you with the dream or goal. If you were asking your SO to make sacrifices for you, chances are you would want them to agree. That being said, there has to be a balance. Maybe you are going to have to make some sacrifices, but maybe a little give and take is what a committed relationship is about.

If you wanted to be a singer, and this was your dream, what if you were discovered? Maybe you are the next Billie Eilish. You would go from recording in your bedroom to touring world-wide. That would really cut into spending time with your significant other. But would you want your partner to tell you no to your dreams, to touring, to seeing the world just because they would have less time with you? Likely not. You would want to follow your dreams and hope they would support you.

Now maybe your current situation is not nearly as extreme as being on tour. Mine certainly is. Even though my partner would be working 100+ hours, he would at least be working from home during all that time. But even with so much time being away, I understand his perspective, and would never want to get in the way of his dreams.

3.) Find Common Ground - Compromising Is Critical to Relationships

Maybe the dynamic will have to change, but this is where compromising is. Most importantly, you must find the balance between the give-and-take. Just because your partner can do what they want should never mean you lose everything you want. If you are all about seeing your partner and spending time with them, they need to be willing to make in time to spend with you.

If you are like me, seeing your partner several times a day, even for a few minutes, is important. My partner and I came to the agreement that even though he would be working 16 hours per day, I could come visit whenever I want. So, every once-in-a-while I could still sneak into his office, take for a few minutes, steal a kiss or two, just to see him. And that keeps me just fine for the hours of the day. Maybe you need less than I do, or maybe you need more. Finding that balance will make the difference between a strong relationship and the harsh changes that could break it.

4.) See the Positives

So maybe your compromising has led to more alone time than you originally planned. This could actually be good for you. You can have all the benefits of both the relationship and being single. Maybe there is a new hobby you have been meaning to pick up but never found the time. Perhaps you have been trying to fit in that weekly yoga class or finish that book you never had the chance to start. Now you have the time to do more things for you.

If you are the type of person who tends to be more independent anyway, this might actually be the best thing to happen to your relationship. You can explore your independence again while still having a great partner to fall back on.

Or maybe you are also a motivated person with big dreams. If your partner is asking for more time, this is your chance to start your own ventures as well. Maybe you are an aspiring musician, and now you have time to write and record. Or maybe you want to write your own novel, so now you can take all the time you need to brainstorm and write. Maybe you like to live the social life with your friends, scheduling with time now would not be as difficult.

Independence is not the only positive. Being productive is not only good for your relationship, but also can be great for your mental health. This is also a great test for the relationship. Just the right amount of stress while also testing the loyalty. Although it may seem like the relationship is dwindling out, this could be what strengths your bond.

5.) If You Can't Beat Them, Join Them

Now that you already found time for each other, put his/her dream into perspective, made compromises, and looked at the positives, maybe now is the time to consider the age-old rhetoric: "if you can't beat them, join them." I know my partner wants to be successful, so maybe helping him along the way is the best decision. This way, he can do what he wants without either of us going solo.

In my case, my significant other decided to start his venture by writing tech blogs. To support him, I decided to help him edit some of his posts, and every now and then I even help to write certain posts. I also started some of my own with the plan to merge with his company if either of us ever take off. For now, we have a bit of healthy competition going to see who can get their dreams and goals met first. So, for us, this opened more doors instead of ending the relationship.

If your partner has a passion that you would be unable to get directly involved in, there are other ways to show your support. For one, everyone likes to hear that someone is proud of them. Even being able to give unbiased criticism is something he/she may find very helpful.

Just because your partner's dreams do not involve you does not mean you would not be a part of them. You can find ways to get involved, whether that is by being a supporting, helping with loving but constructive criticism, or even directly helping. Before starting the goals, take time with your partner to decide what kind of time you can stand together, and to find common ground. But remember to see the positives. Although this is hard at first, maybe good will come from it. And if not, you will be able to talk to your partner about just that in time. Be supportive, and maybe even find your own passions or goals.

For my partner and I, we were able to start some healthy competition while still growing closer. You know I have to shout him out, Mike Wolfe on Medium. At first, I was afraid our relationship would start to die out, but we have grown closer. He even encouraged me to start a blog of my own here on Vocal.

Remember that a good, strong relationship is always worth fighting for. If you are well in love, and hold a bond together, you will be able to make the compromises. Working together will not only make the change work but will ultimately bring you closer. Thank you for reading, and I wish the best for you and your significant other.