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When We Were

A moment in our story

By Laura CasarezPublished 2 years ago 3 min read
2

He always makes everyone laugh. Laugh at the most adolescent of topics and behaviors. That was a part of the charm. Sometimes, all it took was his enthusiasm, eye contact, and a big shocking laugh. Shocking but ever so subtle. His face lit up! He had this ability to take nothing seriously. I was moved by him as much as waves are moved by the energy of the moon. He impressed me. I wanted to be like him. I was falling in love with him.

If you would have told me the day we met that I would feel this way, I would have called you crazy. I caught myself always questioning who he was. Why did I want to know him at all? He seemed very mysterious to me, and at the same time, everyone loved him. The people I respected and loved, respected and loved him. I thought him weird after several conversations. He is always so spacey, and head in the clouds. He had this beautiful light illuminate through him though. It followed him wherever he went. I was envious. After all, how could someone with his gangster background, and where he was from, have such an influence over so many lives.

One day, we started to become close. It made no sense. I brought out a personality of an old life that I used to live 20 years ago. In hindsight, I made him fall for an old version of me. When it came time that we started dating. I was so intimated by his comfortability, that I changed back to who I am today and tried to change him, too. Resentment and confusion started to build.

It brought out insecurities in both of us. Both of us lacked emotional intelligence and healthy communication skill, which inevitably was our downfall. After a couple of months and couple of fights we both admitted we were bad at relationships. I pulled and he pushed. I ran and he chased me. He gave up and I accused him. Everything about our relationship became toxic. It was comfortable in our misery. Our misery became resentment, and resentment turned into one of the biggest shit shows of a relationship that I have ever had.

I want to remember the good times that we had. The passion when we connected. The romance that he brought to the table. The laughter. As I write I am tormented by regret. I always told him it was never enough. I was afraid. I was afraid to change. My pain and fear comforted me. If I am alone, I can stay who I am.

I am a single mother of 4 children and a grandmother of 2 and I am only 43. I have a beautiful 24 and 23-year-old and 12 and 9-year-old. Who can love someone with that much baggage?! A very strong man. A man that I didn't believe him to be. So I never showed him the real me. Just the defensive little girl in me that is afraid of rejection. So I pushed and pushed and used my words as punishment and manipulation. He didn't stand a chance.

I miss him. I pray he finds the woman he deserves and I learn to be the woman I deserve. The woman that grows up that little girl inside of me. The woman that learns to trust. Contempt prior to investigation is my go-to. I wonder why I am alone. It is safer to be alone.

However, nothing is wasted in God's economy and I can learn from this experience. I pray he does as well. Grief has me in a chokehold but I know, this too shall pass.

breakups
2

About the Creator

Laura Casarez

Sentiments of my deepest connections to this life: love, addiction, lust, loneliness and my creator.

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