When Love does not Stay.

The story of a love that fortunately did not happen

When I met my second love I was coming out of a six-month relationship with a boy who I went out a couple of times but without a doubt they were good dates, we went through the city, then to the library after having breakfast at Max Brenner and then we went for a ride on a remodeled old ship.

The dates were great , but the fact was that I was very far from him and it was not the same also if I am honest with myself the boy was more attractive in photos and his voice was not the best. But I just broke up with him since it wasn't the same, of course I lied to him saying I was going to go to Queensland.

Does that make me a bad person? Of course, I hurt a person who loved me but life goes on and I learned that it is dangerous to love without the foundations within me.

My second love appeared later, in Hinge and the truth was I was just bored, they threw me out of the house and I was depressed without a weight to my name in the house of what was once my best friend, I went out with him and not I was not at all impressed by how little I remember, He was wearing a black Aldi jacket, fancy boots that matched with his blue eyes.

That was my first serious relationship with a boy.

He is a sensitive and very affectionate boy who does not have a good connection with his emotions and feelings since he has a great depression and has to take medication to be able to continue his daily life, at first the idea of ​​being with him was like the scenarios I read about in my novels, coffee dates, Newtown walks, and late-night calls made me fall deeply in love with him.

But things are always great until they aren't.

I was unemployed and without any money and it was from the moment He transferred money to my bank account that my whole life changed, since I owed him money and a lot of gratitude. It was from there, pieces of my essence disappeared and became what he wanted, not because he wanted it but because in my head that was how things worked.

I don't know when it was that I stopped being me, when I was losing that spark within me that made me, right? I am not quite sure.

The December fight happened and I was ready to go and leave him. Things would not change at all, he would always remain tired and busy when I needed him, he would keep breaking his promises. But I stayed. Everyone knew I should have let him go, but the reason was very simple.

I couldn't bear to be alone in the situation I was in. He was my safety net, he made me strong somehow. At the end, love does not make sense.

I stayed with him, then I met the brother I never had, Owen. When talking to him I realized that there were many things wrong with my relationship such as the lack of romance and passion that leads to the basic concept of a relationship; at least the one I wanted; Many doubts entered my head and I blamed myself for wanting those things and the worst thing is that I felt bad sharing my needs with him since the problem there was not me, it was really him, he could not satisfy my needs the proper way and if so it hurt my feelings by being absent and distant. There was no way to win at all for either of us.

The February fight happened, I was alone with no friends close to me, Owen and I weren't as closed as we are not, my mind was being affected in a serious way that I even thought of doing things to myself that people close to me would suffer forever. But I stayed. Everyone who knew my relationship knew that I should let him go, but the reason was very simple.

I couldn't bear to hurt him. Not after everything He did for me.

Lockdown at New South Wales happened,things were fine as we live close to each other. Just the two of us and no one else to give their opinions or give me mandatory things to think about. Well, there was no one. Only him and me. Sounds a bit lonely when I say it out loud.

I am not the perfect girlfriend, such thing does not exist but I do believe that I am a good person and that I would sacrifice every part of me to make the people I love the most in my life happy.

And I did, multiple times. My glass of self-destruction was filled a week ago when my whole life changed.

I deserve a love that pampers me daily, that says to love me all day if I feel any sort of insecurity, I deserve a love that loves itself to the level where it works hard to become that better version of themselves, I deserve a love the who can carry me and play with me as if we were children in preschool, I deserve a love that remembers the smallest things like the reason why I found the beach sad at nightfall, I deserve a love that does things because he wants to do them, not because I say so. I deserve a love that hugs me at night and never lets me go no matter if we are sweating. I deserve a love that makes me feel full, flushed and in love all the time. I deserve a love that kisses me with a passion that can be only read in the best written novels.

I deserve a love that loves me as much as I love them.

He just wasn't the one.

Fortunately, that love ended and I am happy with that.