When His Ex is in Town

"We have a code red."

My boyfriend, Paul, stops me in the hallway as I leave the bathroom. I have had a few drinks, so I play along in a playfully dramatic voice.

"Oh, no! What happened?"

"My ex is going to be in town and she wants to get dinner together."

No. No. Nope. Not happening. Why would she do that? She obviously wants to get back together with him. Did she even think what his girlfriend might think?

Breathe, girl. Breathe. While all of those thoughts did go through my head, I realize I am being irrational. Not everyone has an insane ex from a terrible, horrible, awful past relationship. It is a great character-building exercise, but you may experience life-long trust issues. I would sleep soundly at night if I never heard from my ex ever again. I am doing just fine, and I secretely hope that he isn't. Real mature, I know. But so was the incredible amount of times I forgave him after cheating on me.

Honestly, there is something jealousy provoking about Paul's lack of emotional baggage. The fact that he doesn't have to sit there and think about how unhealthy his last relationship was sounds liberating. The amount of time I have wasted being sad and resenting the person I was is embarrassing. Here Paul is, living his life and contemplating catching up with someone he spent a few years of his life with.

Now like I said, I had 47 seconds of inner turmoil before I came to terms with the fact that I am insane. And I totally understood the reasons that he wasn't against seeing said ex-girlfriend. I too would enjoy, god forbid we break up, catching up with him a few years down the line. You cannot spend that much time with someone, listening to their plans and dreams, and not want to know how their life turned out.

So I go along with it. I am the most supportive I can be in this situation. I am not going to tell him that he cannot go, but it would be nice if he himself didn't want to see her. Now, I trust Paul with all of my heart. I know for a fact that he would not do anything. He is the kindest, most hardworking, dedicated to his friends and family, sensitive but strong-willed person that I know. Coming from my last relationship, I can say without a doubt that Paul has raised the bar for any man that may come after him. He has shown me what making time looks like, what being honest looks like, what love should feel like. I can not thank him enough for the woman he has helped me realize that I am.

But that doesn't stop my trust-confused mind from creating ridiculous scenarios in my head about what could happen come the night of the dinner. And, to be completely honest, the reason I make up such scandelous she kisses him as they are leaving, and he leans in because he still loves her situations in my head is because I want to be ready. If someone is going to be unfaithful to me again, I want to be ready with my bags packed and show them they messed with the wrong girl.

I refuse to be the weak child who forgives and forgives in the name of "love" and hurts herself in the process. The girl crying in the car to just about every love song because the love she knows is killing her. The girl who lies to herself and everyone else that she is happy. I won't ever be her again.

So the day of the dreaded dinner comes, and I ask every person I know if they want to grab dinner with me. Everyone was either working, sick, or quarantining (nothing like a good 2020 activity). The one night I did not want to be alone, I was. Now I wasn't completely alone. I had those panic-inducing crazy person thoughts to drive me mad all night.

Then, as if I couldn't be conflicted enough, Paul calls me as I am heading home. He is probably going to leave before I make it back. He asks me a question that I almost laugh at.

"Do you want to meet her?"

"Absolutely not." What else was a supposed to say? Is there a blueprint that I should know about? As if I wasn't imagining enough terrible things about her, now he wants me to put a face to the name?

"I am sorry. I really do not feel the need to meet her. Would you want to meet my ex?" I thought I would stump Paul with that question. But in true Paul fashion, with his level-headed approach to decision making, responds:

"I wouldn't mind meeting him. I feel like meeting him would tell me a lot about the person you were and how you became the woman I love today."

He is so perfect, it is obnoxious. Like, who says that? People without relationship damage I suppose. But this is why I love him, right? He is the balance I need in my life.

I apologize again and explain how while she may be an important part of his past, she is not a character in mine. And the night goes on. He leaves for his date. I make a comment about how he should wear sweatpants instead of the flattering Banana Republic pants and dashing button-down shirt he puts on. He asks if I want him to change because he is so attentive to my feelings. I explain that I was joking. His ability to consistently dress well is something that I appreciate anyways.

What do I do while he is sipping wine with his ex-lover, you may ask? Well, I used the little I know about this woman and get my detective skills on. I use her first name, her extremely well-known highschool, and my fear of her being perfect to find her. Not only is she a scholar of like four different awards, but she is also involved in just about everything in her community. She is at an Ivy League with a job at a top consulting firm lined up. And did I mention she is a genius? Not feeling great about myself, but thankfully her social media accounts are private so I cannot fall down a rabbit hole of comparing how I fare looks-wise.

Now that I am feeling guilty for wasting my time searching this woman up after I said I am supposed to be a strong, independent woman, I watch a sad movie to distract myself. A great choice, I know.

Paul sends me a message that he is on his way home. I am waiting patiently to examine his perfect face for a hint of guilt or shame. He comes in an excruciatingly long 15 minutes later and jumps on me in bed.

"I am so happy that we broke up. All I could think about was leaving so I could come back home to you."

That is exactly what I needed to hear him say.