When Happily Ever After Ends

Forget those fluffy flowers, saccharine sweets, and crafty cards. When you know the true origins of Valentine’s Day, you might realize that getting balloons, a teddy bear, roses and chocolates is not all it’s cracked up to be. Depending upon your situation, you really might make out better being alone and/or celebrating a holiday, belief, or spiritual practice centered on true love.

Heartbreak Is Real

Most heartbreak or ending of relationships is from unhealthy expectations, concepts and ideas of what love is or supposed to be. And heartbreak is a true medical condition. The scientific name for heartbreak is Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy. It is literally the stress caused by a heartbreaking situation. So reducing love and heartbreak down to just a plump smiley face heart or a red heart with a jagged zip line running down the middle with a teardrop of blood is no laughing matter.

The scientific name for heartbreak is Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy.

That heart you love and recognize at first glance is loaded with history and symbolism; but, maybe it is not the history you know or even thought about questioning or delving into. The heart shape that we know morphed from an Adinkra symbol called Akoma. Akoma literally means “the heart”. It is symbolic of endurance and understanding. Akoma namely represents love, unity, endurance, patience, tolerance, goodwill, and faithfulness. Now that’s the kind of heart and love I, well, love.

The Sketchy and Sadistic Origins of Valentine’s Day

While the true and complete details of Valentine’s Day remain sketchy and incomplete, there are some aspects that are undisputed. The main fact is Valentine’s Day was a pagan Roman holiday that lasted for seven days. Now what happened during those seven days is a bit vague. Findings range from beating one’s wife for fertility purposes to “consensual” swapping of spouses and molestation of children. That Valentine’s Day card you love receiving was originally the calling card for who was going to get to be with whom after a random lottery drawing of cards with everyone in the town’s name on a card. Pick that person’s card, and that is your partner for some immoral and un-Biblical deeds. Insert a gasp while clutching one’s pearls right here.

But what would commercialism and western culture be without finding something to monetize after sugarcoating a practice with questionable origins? Instead of getting to abuse your wife, now we spend one day showering her with gifts and attention (notice how seven days became just one). Instead of a calling card for a neighbor to have his or her way with you, you now swap cute glittery cards with stickers to everyone in your class or that special someone—heck, or even both. And the symbolic heart shape (Akoma) is adopted and morphed into any and everything from heart shaped balloons to heart shaped pizza. It is amazing how much power a card company (Hallmark) has over the lives of individuals. Now some people are made to feel one step from psychotic if they do not receive a card or have a Valentine to call their own. All I can say is, “Wow!” But, hey, I’ve been there too until I learned self love and the origins of Valentine’s Day.

Celebrating Akoma Day: A Cultural Alternative to Valentine’s Day

So after reading a super cursory overview of scanty details concerning the origins of Valentine’s Day, you might be thinking, Oh my goodness, what do I do now? If you still feel the need to celebrate love at a designated time of the year with your special someone, then Akoma Day might be your answer. This seven day celebration of several aspects of love was created in 2001 by husband and wife Montsho and Nwasha Edu, better known as MONWASHA (a combination of their names: how cute!). I personally know this couple who offers a range of marriage and relationship counseling services, materials and workshops. I was a professor at the same college as Nwasha. And I often bump into them at many local events, like Buy Black Your Community. Akoma Day is celebrated from February 14th to February 20th.

Akoma Day is called a cultural alternative to Valentine’s Day for myriad reasons. Notice how love here is celebrated for seven days, not just one. This length of time highlights the same length of time as Kwanzaa and Kwanzaa’s basis that the principles should be practiced year-long. Each day has a virtue and principle. There are even specifics to how to begin your day and the tenets of what each day encompasses. The virtues are: Flexibility, Patience, Faithfulness, Consistency, Endurance, Fondness or Goodwill, and Forgiveness. The corresponding principles are: Unified Purpose, Unified Labor, Unified Transformation, Unified Fruit, Unified Mind, Unified Body, and Unified Spirit.

Playlist For Healing From Heartbreak

So, you thought you had this euphoric, everlasting love. One that Edgar A. Poe describes as a “love that was more than love” that even the angels envied (“Annabelle Lee”). And then, happily ever after ends. Journey with me rhythmically and lyrically, as we flow through the progression of healing from heartbreak.

Did I have criteria for this playlist? Yes and no. I wanted to highlight that love goes through many phases, just like our relationships. Often, people just highlight the perceived horrific ending of the relationship. If you’re fortunate, there might be sprinklings of the beautiful beginnings which led to the relationship blooming in the first place. But let’s face it. No matter our unique situation, we go through some major ups and downs as we contemplate what went wrong and how do we pick up the pieces to move forward. These are my jams and go-to’s when I question love.

Brandy (ft. Wanya Morris)-“Brokenhearted”

Represents: Initial Heartbreak

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The smooth and slightly raspy lyrics coming from Bandy combined with Wanya’s subdued masculine synergy perfectly meshes mixed feelings and those stunned moments of initial heartbreak. And the chorus captures what often goes through our mind as we adjust: “But I guess I'm / Lonely brokenhearted / Life's not over / I can start again / While I'm lonely brokenhearted/ It's a hurting thing to get over”.

Led Zeppelin-“D’yer Mak’er”

Represents: Trip Down Memory Lane

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From the opening heavy drum beats that remind me of a heart beating unsteadily down to the repetition of words throughout the song and limited lyrics, this song has heartbreak written all over it. The “Ohs” are like guttural utterances when you just have no words. And it is reminiscent of how all you can do is stutter over what happened and how you feel: “When I read the letter you sent me, it made me mad mad mad / When I read the news that it brought me, it made me sad sad sad / But I still love you so / And I can't let you go / I love you / Oh, baby I love you, oh”.

Louis Tomlinson (ft. Bebe Rexha, Digital Farm Animals)-“Back to You”

Represents: Maybe One More Try

Note Well: This song contains explicit words in the chorus

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Okay, we have all been here before. You just know you are so done with your ex-significant other. But then, wait, there’s more: “I tell myself I'm done with wicked games / But then I get so numb with all the laughter / That I forget about the pain”.

You end up being pulled back together like a stretched rubber band. However, it becomes a yo-yo effect when you keep going back and forth: “I don't know how to make it stop / I love it, I hate it, and I can't take it / But I keep on coming back to you”.

Some relationships are only meant for a reason or season. At times, they are meant for a lifetime. While I love the matching outfits and amazing collaboration, this song is the poster child for an abusive relationship. The on again, off again dynamic should not be ignored. If you end up in a toxic, co-dependent or abusive relationship of any kind, don’t let those cute little make up moments obscure the truth. Run, and don’t look back. Seek all the professional help you need. I dedicate a lot of time on this song because it hits home. I lost a dear cousin at a young age because she went back to relationship rife with domestic abuse. She was shot in front of their daughter. I saw her in the ICU before she passed away. That scenario made me promise myself to never stay in—or entertain—an abusive relationship. Abuse is not just physical. It is mental, psychological, financial, emotional and so much more. I speak as a divorced woman with two children. Seek love, not dysfunction.

Taylor Swift-“We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together”

Represents: I Learned My Lesson For Good

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If “Back to You” is the adult version of trying to call off a relationship, then “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” is the teenybopper version of breaking up, for good though. While Taylor Swift spends the whole song going back and forth, she has that self-talk that we all have to convince ourselves and our friends that we are seriously done with that former special someone for good. But she does finally, officially end it and means it: “We called it off again last night / But ooh, ooh, ooh / This time, I'm telling you, I'm telling you / We are never ever, ever getting back together”.

Judy Garland (ft. Johnny Mercer)-“Don’t Get Around Much Anymore”

Represents: Sulking

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This selection is unique. I’m not going to quote any official lyrics here, but rather highlight when truth is caught on tape. About midway through the song, while Johnny Mercer sings, “It was very lonely at the club”, and Judy Garland quips, “because I wasn’t there”, Johnny Mercer responds with, “that’s right!” and they both chuckle. Totally adorbs adlib! But probably tragically true. They had a very intriguing love situationship. But the focus here is how despondent we can become when our heart is broken. You want to get back on your feet and hang out with your newfound—though not expected—freedom, but you really don’t get around much anymore. Suddenly all your favorite spots are just sad reminders of the good old days.

Chrisette Michele-“Love Won’t Leave Me Out”

Represents: Hope

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Now you are getting more adjusted to the idea that there is better out there in the world of love. But you still question why the love of a lifetime is eluding you. So you start attending some relationship seminars; drink a green smoothie or two; hit the gym; journal, all the good stuff as you realize, “Now the girl with the broken heart / And the girl with the ugly scars / Is now the girl with the brand new start. / Now I know how to love somebody / I've learned love is out there for me / Love won’t leave me out”.

Hermitude- “Ukiyo”

Represents: Serenity and Appreciating Solitude

Note Well: Please, please, please do not look up the remix version lyrics. Let’s just say super explicit. My eyes hurt just glancing at them. For this song, just fill in the blanks with whatever you can cobble together of the digitized and blurred original lyrics.

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As someone learning Japanese, the title “Ukiyo” punctuates the joy of listening to this soothing and uplifting song. Ukiyo roughly translates to “floating world”, but can also mean transient or fleeting world. This word symbolizes peace, calm and serenity for me. It is a reminder to let go of aspects of life that might bog you down and to just focus on the moment. So, rather than strain your ears trying to figure out the distorted words, just relax into the moment and enjoy the joyful combinations of imagery and sound.

Keri Hilson- “Pretty Girl Rock”

Represents: Regrouping and Empowered

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This-is-my-anthem! I replace her name with mine in the opening lyrics and everything. It doesn’t quite work because I have three syllables compared to her two. But I have a make it work moment every time I sing along. This song is my pick-me-up and reminder of all the work I put in to discover self love and attract and be in alignment with true and divine love. “Pretty Girl Rock” is my cocky soundtrack that secretly (well, not anymore) plays in my head to exude confidence: “All eyes on me when I walk in, / No question that this girl's a ten / Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful”.

But there’s another reason I end this journey with “Pretty Girl Rock”. Hilson’s album, No Boys Allowed, is reflected in her gold medallion at the end of the video that features a crossed out “BOYS”. There are a lot of what Tony Gaskins calls “grown boys” out here with their grown boy tactics. Women can easily and blindly fall for the sweet nothings if they put their hope into a relationship that is not based on God, love or a man who has done the work himself to foster a healthy relationship. Hilson’s video also covers female icons since the 1940s. These include Josephine Baker, Dorothy Dandridge, The Andrews Sisters, The Supremes, Donna Summer, Janet Jackson and TLC. Girl Power!

Would You Love Some More?

You can read more about the origins of Valentine’s Day and Akoma Day in Cristina John’s article, here.