What We Owe Each Other

Recently, I was made aware that someone had been emotionally manipulative with someone 30 years their junior.

I was afraid to approach the situation at first, but my concern ramped up significantly when I found that the concerning behavior ramped up when the other party started dating someone.

I was already suspicious, because this person had added a bunch of other people who are 30 years their junior to a chat that is purportedly for Vocal writers in general--but everyone in that chatroom was of the opposite gender, and none of them were even close to the creator's age at all.

I don't want to drag them into this, so I'm not going to name names, but I was very disappointed by the response from the people I reached out to for help. I tried to avoid giving specific details, just in case they weren't up to it, and that would have been fine--but they didn't just tell me they weren't up to it.

They dismissed my concerns. They put their friendship first. They told me to "just let the drama die down," after I had explicitly said I was not just trying to stir up drama.

This is how you create and encourage a toxic community.

The people in charge did nothing to stop this. The person who was emotionally manipulated was made to feel like the bad guy, and the person who manipulated was praised.

When you refuse to own your own emotional immaturity, you damage your community. No amount of passing the buck can undo that damage; the damage might be healed by you taking responsibility for your own behavior, but it is still done. Shoving it off onto organizations is a cop out.

I no longer feel comfortable in any of the Vocal Facebook groups. I don't even feel comfortable posting here, because Vocal does not have a block button. I can't just make a different account because it's tied to my bank account.

I didn't feel safe confronting the person on my own, and I wanted someone older to help. I would have done it for someone else. But no one wanted to help me; they wanted to protect their own interests.

I'm done interacting with Facebook groups for this platform. I did make my own group, because I wanted it to be a safe space, and I may start posting there. It's neglected, but I'd far rather have a neglected group than one that is unsafe. The one thing I can promise is that if another member of that group is manipulative towards you, I will deal with it. Behavior like that won't be tolerated there.

Let me be clear: I do not want anyone targeted because of this article. I've tried to keep the details as vague as possible, because I do want to protect at least one person involved.

I'm writing this because the treatment I and that other person received was not okay, and I have to say something about it. It's causing me more stress to keep quiet than it is to post this. I will not be returning to any Vocal groups until I know that those in charge know the signs of emotional abuse and how to handle it when it arises.

A lot of people say to not let a fox into the henhouse... but if you let your working dog harass the livestock, the livestock will suffer. It doesn't matter how good your dog is at herding or guarding. If they're harassing even one critter, they are a danger to your charges, and you are harming them when you refuse to correct the behavior.

You've let your dog go, Vocal mods.

How many sheep will they target?