What to Do When Your Single Life & Parent Life Clash

What does it mean when your single life and parent life clash? What should you do when it happens? How do you even know it's happening? What does it mean for your life?

Parenting definitely has its up's-and-down's, pros and cons, and "I'm-not-really-sure-what-to-do-right-now" moments. And, if you're a single parent such as myself, you get the pleasure of experiencing these things 100-fold. YAY!!

Your social life pretty much doesn't exist and you have to worry about everyone that may or may not be a potential new friend. Why? Because you're on your own. You don't get to have the luxury of hanging around your old, if a tad unorthodox, friends from high school that aren't exactly the types of people you'd like hanging around your kids. You can't send them early for visitation with their other parent so that you get to have some free-time to hang out with who you choose.

It sucks, but that's our life. So, what can we do about it? How can we keep our single and fun life away from our equally fun parenting life? Is there a way to separate the two?

The Chess Game of Life

Recently, I was contacted by an old friend on Instagram, and it got me thinking... He's an old friend, and there have never been any feelings there on either side as far as I know, but I've been having difficulty on deciding what to do.

As a single parent with the social anxiety rate of 110 percent, I don't socialize much and was looking up ways to introduce guy-friends to my kids. Maybe I'm overthinking it, but I'd rather be safe than sorry.

Anyways, I was appalled to find that I couldn't find one single article on how to deal with meeting up with and introducing old/new guy-friends (no feelings attached) to your kids as a single parent. Being a single parent comes with a whole new set of problems, and maybe sometimes we forget that.

It can be scary introducing new guy-friends to your kids. You may not have a consistent male figure for your kids, especially in that caliber (the dad department), and you don't want to introduce one that you may or may not decide is someone you don't want around your kids a few weeks from now.

Therefore, since no one else has decided to write about it yet, I've comprised a list of tips and advice on how to deal with this problem. Enjoy!

*Note: These tips apply to single parents, not moms. Therefore, they can apply to men and women alike in this position.

1. Don't immediately provide them with a detailed update on your life.

As much and as long as you've been deprived from human interaction that doesn't include repeating yourself a million times and explaining why we do not play in the toilet, don't offer an entire overview of your life story. Let them in on the little details that you want them to know, but skip over anything that might be too personal. Treat them as if they're a stranger because that's essentially what they are. People can change a lot in a short two years, and it is definitely helpful to keep this in mind.

2. Don't provide personal information

When someone says "let's hang out" that doesn't hold you to providing them with your phone number, address, IM accounts, and social security number...

Don't immediately jump to giving them your number. As much as I enjoy direct contact over messenger, you don't know what their motives are yet. Nor do you know if they're really the type of person you want having that information.

(Not to mention, this kind of locks you into a friendship you don't even know you want yet).

3. Don't bring your kids to the first meeting.

As much a comfort as this may seem, don't do it. It may seem appealing to prove that you aren't looking for a relationship or you just really want to socialize but have no sitter for your kids... whatever the situation may be and the perks may seem to be.

Introducing your kids to new people is scary and here are a few reasons you should never introduce them to new or old guy friends right away (especially the first meeting):

1. He could have ulterior motives (like getting into a relationship) and you never know if he'll try using your kids to impress you or make him look fantastic.
2. You don't know what type of life he lives because you haven't seen him in years. You have no idea if this is someone you want around your kids once, let alone multiple times.
3. As much as it may seem that it's solidifying you don't want a relationship with them, it isn't. Actually, it's showing them that you're easily trusting and will be easy to get to.

You can never be too careful when it comes to your children. I'm not even saying half the people in the world are like this, but you just never know.

4. Decide the FIRST time.

When you finally get a chance to meet up (kids excluded) for the first time, pay close attention. Assess what his motives are and decide that day if you plan on keeping them as a friend or not (and whether it will be on a kid-friendly or kids-excluded basis).

Going out again after your first meet cements, in his mind, that you guys are going to continue hanging out. And you don't want to lead him on in a friendship way or any other way.

Which brings me to my next tip.

5. Be clear on your boundaries.

If he's outwardly hitting on you, make sure to solidify (if you haven't already) that you are not looking for a relationship. If you're willing to still be friends after that, that's your choice (I personally find it hard to stay friends with a guy after he makes his romantic intentions clear, especially if I'm not interested).

Don't lead the guy on to thinking there is hope for something more when there clearly isn't in your mind. That's rude. However, that said, don't dismiss your boundaries out of sympathy or feeling bad. This just causes more problems and stress for the both of you in the future.

Your first meeting should include you telling him bluntly what your boundaries are (not to be confused with your vulnerabilities and worries, such as "I didn't bring my kids because I want to make sure that you're not a drug addict/rapist/bad person/etc." That may not have needed saying, but I have problems with this sometimes).

6. Don't continue the relationship out of sympathy.

Though this isn't a romantic relationship, it's a relationship nonetheless and should be treated as such. Therefore, if after four times of hanging out you still are feeling leery about them/their intentions/don't know what you're wanting to do yet/etc, cut it off. Don't continue to put yourself in positions of being around someone who rubs you the wrong way or makes you uncomfortable.

So, now you know. If you're in this situation, which I'm assuming you are since you're reading this article, I hope that these tips have helped, if even just a little, you decide on how you're going to handle this. Take it from someone who's experienced it (both good and bad).

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