What’s Like to the Older Woman in a Relationship

When it comes to my relationship choices, I’m all old school. I tend to lean towards dating older men: their style and sense of judgment appeal to me.

If you’d told me that at 36 I could date a 20-year-old who was the most mature and supportive man I would ever date, I would have laughed at you.

I met Jeremy while getting off work some months ago. His rocky hairstyle immediately struck me, and when he spoke, his voice was angelic.

The earring and black eyeliner gave his masculine face a girly appeal. I suspected he was in his early 20s; which was a turn-off for me.

After a few days, he asked me out on a date. I was surprised at how a 20-year old would want to date me?

But something about him made me curious to want to know him, so I agreed we should hang out that Saturday as friends. We started off at a museum very close to his workplace and ended up having dinner at a cheap Mexican restaurant.

Our conversation flowed. He was all fun and vibed with my energy. It wasn’t the most magical date ever, but it was very special. After our first kiss, I knew I wanted to see him again.

I didn’t expect dating a younger man would work, especially given our respective ages.

Simply put, I thought we would be at different stages of life- far too different to be compatible, but I was wrong.

He was young but also very principled. He knows who he was, what he needed in a partner, and what he wanted to be in life.

He was picky about his friends and maintained healthy boundaries. He had tremendous faith. He was romantic, stubborn, and wild, just like I love them.

Being in that relationship- with a guy 16-years younger- encouraged me to surrender to my true self. I was madly in love with a much younger man, but I was also terrified.

Age doesn’t represent compatibility

After my experience with Jeremy, I have come to realize that age isn’t always an indication of compatibility. You can date someone in the same age as you or older and still feel you’re not on the same page.

We need to lose the idea that compatibility comes with similarity in the same age or common interest.

I have always been attracted to older men. Yet, most of them are not always in the same emotional frequency as me.

Sometimes older men treat me as a child. Either they are manipulative and controlling, or apathetic and bigoted. They feel entitled to get away with boundaries.

But when you date younger men, say you’re a 45-year-old woman dating a 30-year-old man, chances are you two may be in the same emotional maturity because he has gone through the same hormonal changes.

He’s no longer the 20-year old with irrational emotions — figuring out who he is and what he wants to be. His brain is fully developed to make sustainable decisions about this life and future.

It’s a different ball game; when you are dating a 19-year old guy because he’s still going through emotional and chemical changes and may not be at your level of maturity.

Social stigmatization influence women’s dating choice

The attraction that older women have for younger men is a question that many people are pondering.

Some women shy away from getting entangled with younger men because women dating younger men have always been stigmatized — making it feel not quite right.

During my relationship with Jeremy, I was always conscious about how people saw us when we went out together.

I worried that people would think I’m taking advantage of a boy. This feeling made me so uncomfortable and eventually led to one of the reasons I broke off the relationship.

Society teaches us that women should be with someone senior to them, which in some ways makes sense. But, younger men are getting wiser. They are more adapting to an equal partnership than older men.

Gender equality movements have created a shift in social standards, and younger men are choosing a different part to sustainable relationships by respecting women’s opinions and supporting their dreams.

Depending on the age difference, dating someone younger isn’t a bad thing. Think of it as a learning experience from which you can gain insight into new aspects of life. Have fun with it! Besides, you are as old as you feel.

This article was first published on Medium