What "Lies" in Compromise

From a young age, we are taught to bend our will and conform to an acceptable level of compromise that allows each party involved to reach happiness. We are taught to share items that have rightfully been considered our own belongings for the sake of kindness, and we are taught that any other reaction to such a request is considered a sign of selfishness, and being an unfit human. But what we don’t know about these conversations based in an idea that doing something solely for the benefit of ourselves is disingenuous and malicious, is that we are training ourselves to be too generous with who we are and what is best for us.

This is not the debate of whether or not you need two halves of a sandwich, but of when has someone given enough of themselves, and moreover, who decides that? There is a story over the internet that a mother has shared, where she allowed her son to choose whether or not he wanted to share his toys with a stranger at a park. This story has been dissected from every angle, and the discussion has been opened into how this small act will ultimately affect his growth as a contributing member of society. Most disagreed with her platform of how compromise should be approached, but I, however, do not.

“A compromise is the art of dividing a cake in such a way that everyone believes he has the biggest piece.” ---- Ludwig Erhard. Compromise, as expressed here, and in its simplest of definition discusses a less than desirable outcome for each parties; a physical concession made of a specific need or want you will not have fully satisfied. Everyone is eating the cake, but it is the difference between satisfactory and satisfaction. While in my three prominent relationships of my life, I have reconstructed the rooms of my mind to adjust to someone else’s needs and wants coveting space within myself. I have become, much like anyone, an emotional landlord for the people I care about most.

But what happens when it gets too crowded, or your own needs and wants are evicted to support someone else’s best interests? I’m actually asking, because it has yet to be a skill I have mastered. In my first relationship, I allowed my beliefs, values, and expectations of love to reach a standard of mutual happiness that I should have never accepted. I granted him the permission to take my virginity, because I wanted to compromise enough to make him feel secure in us. Everything I taught myself to believe or value in my life had to reach a level of compromise and a wishy- washy disposition to ensure a success rate in our relationship, but I quickly learned a happy medium rarely means a happy outcome. This was the first of many mistakes I have made in this capacity. I have offered my bliss, my sanctity, time and time again to receive back a watered down, value store version in return.

“The swift wind of compromise is a lot more devastating than the sudden jolt of misfortune.”--- Charles R. Swindoll. Compromise, received as a measurement of a moral human being, comes with a shock that it takes a toll on you to do so. It is only after a compromise that you realize what it has truly taken from you, what you have truly denied yourself of experiencing. My relationships to follow continued with this taught behavior that somehow half of my everything, half of my being, was expected and deserved by someone else. That I had to provide myself in proportions I didn’t feel I had enough floor space to cover, and expand myself to make enough standing room for someone else. It is an exhausting burden, and only half the lesson of compromise is taught. What they don’t educate on in the many lectures is what not to give and when not to give it. This is a lesson that because I was not taught, has eluded, and continues to elude me in my personal relationships. I do not want to be a selfish person, but I also don’t want to feel empty every time a vacancy sign positions itself in my front yard, searching for my next significant other. I am sick of feeling drained, because I was taught to give, and consider all angles, and understand all points of view in an argument.

To confess, I am unsure of where to draw the line in what I am willing to compromise in a relationship to confirm success, and it scares me. I have altered friendships to convince someone of my loyalty. I have shifted opinions I hold strongly to ensure resolution to a disagreement. I have gone without experiences to not leave someone who wasn’t ready behind. I have forfeited what would make me happy or feel most fulfilled in those moments to reach a level of understanding in which I only get a portion of what I was expecting; fifty-fifty.

If you google the word “compromise”, you will find so many warning synonyms that are surrounding it. You will hopefully question its integral bottom line in the assessment of human decency. Words like sell- out and cop out are placed into a recipe with half measure, and a bit of win-win is sprinkled on the top to make the piece of cake you are swallowing ambush you into a falsehood, but that is not the worst thing you are eating. A simple google search reminds you that a compromise is give and take, and that it very may well put into jeopardy something of value. I wish I knew how to give myself without allowing them to take everything, and place into jeopardy my self worth.

“If you set out to be liked, you would be prepared to compromise on anything at anytime, and you would achieve nothing.”--- Margaret Thatcher. I have had three failed relationships where there is not a circumstance in which I did not compromise, and I have achieved nothing. I did not set out to be liked, but to be loved, which is what I was taught would be assured if I only compromised. Despite the win- win that is sprinkled for decorative illusion, you are left with the reality that neither parties have truly triumphed within the compromise. I am left with a lesser version of myself, a portion that barely rings true the fifty- fifty promised, and they are left with a fantasy of who you pretended to be for them.

“Be careful not to compromise what you want most for what you want now.”--- Zig Ziglar. My intention, upon entering into any relationship, is to be loved for who I am at my very core. I believe in compromising to ensure your partner feels comfortable, respected, and valued, but never again will I compromise on my core beliefs, values, or opinions. Never again will I be guilted by a childhood lesson of humanity to continue to diminish my self worth, or feel as though I am not enough. Compromise is not a dirty word, but it should be taught as a full, in depth lesson, rather than a crash course. It should be explained as a child, and revisited as an adult, and it should be an open ended conversation, where you do not need to feel guilty for even discussing the absence of it. But these are all pretty words. These are self affirming comments you leave in post- it notes on your bathroom mirror and recite to yourself every morning. These are quotes from famous, influential people, that you feel enlightened for now knowing. I would like to think that if asked to rent out my own space for happiness to include room for someone else’s, I would say, “No vacancy.” I would like to think that if offered only a piece of the cake I am fully deserving of, I would say, “I’m still hungry.”

“If you compromise the things you love about yourself to have someone else love you, they actually fell in love someone else.”---- Jai D. Quinn