What Lesbianism Means to Me

I’m a lesbian. I’m 21 and I can say that with a fact I am gay. At 14 I learned what the words "gay" and "lesbian" meant. I guess I was just really naive as a child. At 15 I got my first girlfriend and told my family (before my friends). But for a long time I struggled with how to express myself. I didn’t know of any other lesbians and the one girl I did know I was dating. I had all these preconceived ideas that I had to be ‘butch’ and dress masculine to be a ‘real lesbian’. So that’s what I did.

At 15, I cut off my hair and dyed it red. I then started wearing boy's clothes and tried to be interested in more typically "masculine" things. It took me until the age of 19 to realize that wasn’t who I was. I wasn’t happy being like that and if it meant I wasn’t a "real lesbian" then I didn’t care. I missed wearing dresses, having my hair done, and makeup.

So I went and bought all my old brands of makeup and slowly put more and more on. I now feel comfortable with myself. I’m happy. I wear dresses most days, I wear makeup, and I do my hair. I’ve grown my hair long again (thank god for that!) and I’ve managed to develop my own identity. I struggled for so long thinking I can’t be gay and femme, but you know what, just because we aren’t recognized as often or aren't what a stereotypical lesbian is, we’re still gay.

As a femme lesbian, I face so many problems, the main one being people telling me, "You don’t look gay." Another one I get quite often is, "You’re too pretty to be gay." I didn’t realize you had to be ugly to be a lesbian, or wear a constant pride flag on my back, but, apparently, all gays do. These preconceived stereotypes are hard to break and make it confusing for young LGBTQ+ people to express themselves. People need to realize that my identity as a lesbian is just as valid as a "butch" lesbian's identity. It’s not that I haven’t met the right boy yet, because my Mr. Right is a girl. All these fantasies I had growing up, getting married, having babies, buying a house, I still want that, just with a woman.

I think as a femme lesbian I have the issue of having to "come out" daily. I hate that everyone assumes straight until otherwise. I'm not under any false pretenses. I know it won’t change any time soon, but I can hope.

For all those people out there who don’t understand why gay people have pride and why can’t they have straight pride, I’ll tell you why. So these are phrases I hear often being in the LGBTQ+ community and I can tell you from firsthand experience discrimination still happens and always will. I currently have a job where I pretend I’m straight because it’s easier. I daren’t tell my co-workers I’m gay, and that’s scary. I’ve had jobs in the past where I had been discriminated against for being gay. Yes, it’s illegal. But what am I going to do? I can’t objectively prove that it is because of my sexuality (most of the time). I’m at the point where I’m scared to kiss a girl while I’m out because I might see someone I work with. I’m still working on my confidence at expressing my feelings in public. I will get there, just as I have with expressing my own identity.

I am part of the LGBTQ+ community. I am femme. I constantly get mistaken for being straight. But I’m happy with who I am. It has taken me until 21 to figure out my identity, but now I will show it off proudly, lipstick and all.