What is Negging? And Why it Bothers Me so Much

This article about a women who bailed on a first date really hit home for me. She had really looked forward to the evening. He told her to dress comfortably, so she wore cute sweats. Then for the shocking truth: He showed up dressed to the nines and took her to a fancy restaurant.

Did she miss hear him? No. Did she misinterpret his suggestion to wear something comfortable? No, absolutely not. I am proud of her (even though I don’t even know this woman) for ditching him the moment she realized the ruse…and it was a ruse. A con, if you will.

You see, the same thing happened to me decades ago…A couple years before I met my wonderful husband. I had been on a lot of bad dates, but I didn’t realize, this was the worst one ever. Only you would think, “What’s wrong?” A lot was wrong, only I missed the red flags.

This was way before the internet and cell phones. The guy told me he would call at 4 p.m. and tell me the actual time for our date. (Red flag number 1. Why didn’t he simply say, “I’ll pick you up at 6,” Or whatever.

Anyway, 4 p.m. came and went. He called hours later and said I’m coming by now to pick you up. What?!! Why didn’t I hang up the phone or let the answering machine get it?

I started second-guessing myself. Maybe I mis-heard the time. Maybe it was my fault that I waited by the phone for hours. Turned out his behavior was deliberate because it got worse…a lot worse.

There were more red flags that night. He made a derogatory comment about his mother. I remember that particularly because I had recently lost my mother and was in a new job in a new city where I didn’t know anyone…So, yes I was vulnerable.

Anyway, normal people don’t speak negatively about their mothers on a first date. My husband has never said one bad word about his, and my son has never and would never say anything negative about me.

Needless to say, I dated this toxic person for two months and things went down hill fast. I stupidly took him to a work Christmas party where he tried to embarrass me.

I had never heard of the word “negging” but I so wish I had then. Because it is so easy to doubt yourself. Now, I listen to my gut. I have been very happily married to the man of my dreams for the past 30 years. But I think negging can apply to all sorts of relationships, and is often displayed through back-handed compliments.

In this article, Psychologist, Gill Harrop says to call these types out:

“Identify what was said as negging (e.g., ‘That sounds like you’re trying to use negging, and I don’t like it.’). This makes it clear that you have spotted the behaviour for what it is and don’t accept it.”

I agree. Embarrass them like they are trying to embarrass you. Remember, what they say/do could “seem” harmless at first. You could question yourself instead of kicking them to the curb.

Look for red flags. Trust your instincts. Even if people tell you to give this person a second chance, don’t. You are not overreacting. You don’t need to come across as a “nice” person, because you do not and should not care what this toxic person thinks. All you should do is run, fast.

The behavior won’t get better, it will get worse. Way worse. My toxic date had four brothers and worked in a male dominated field. So that is probably where he learned the behavior. Now people find the information in online communities.

When you are dating, know the red flags and head the warnings.