What Is Love?

by Valerie Rose 2 years ago in love

Baby don't hurt me.

What Is Love?

So I was single for a whole year, having my "fun" doing whatever I wanted, living on my own terms, honestly I was really happy. I decided I didn't want or need a boyfriend to keep me occupied or happy or anything really. If it came to sex there was plenty to go around without the burden of having a boyfriend or man tell you how to live your life. Don't get me wrong I love men. Maybe not enough, that's why my relationships have always been such failures, can't seem to make them last past a couple months without breaking up.

In my previous dysfunctional relationship, we dated for a month then broke up for who knows how long and then got back together again for a month. It was as messed up as it sounds. He was egotistic, self-centred, and a bit crazy to be honest. I was no better, I don't think I ever gave him the attention and care that he needed from a significant other. But it was hard to love him, he drove me nuts but we had been friends for so long it was hard to let go as well. I would find my self getting bored without him. That is when I realized we don't love each other we're just used to each other. When I tried to explain that to him he just got pissed and was in complete denial but everyone around us saw it too and frankly were sick of us. The last break up resulted in me getting kidnapped from my friends party being forced to go home and pretty much almost broke my hand while I kicked and screamed in the car. When he stopped in front of my house I went inside and just threw everything of his out the door. He was an asshole. So no regret about that.

Cut to the present now, I recently started dating my now boyfriend and ex-supervisor from my old workplace. Why do I not work there anymore you ask? Well no shit something would go wrong. I first met him when I worked at a candy shop a couple of years ago, he was a regular customer and we made small talk every now and then. Then last Christmas I started working for "big blue box," that's where we bumped into each other again. He recognized me right away but it took me some time. This time around though he was my boss and I just saw him as a friendly face someone to turn to and nothing more. As days went by we grew closer, every sale I closed I got this giant hug from him. It was hella motivating. Hugs, high 5's, fist bumps flying all over the place and then one random day he kissed me on my forehead. That was it ladies and gentlemen, I no longer wanted to be single. I was infatuated, smitten, whatever else you want to call it. So I made my moves but didn't see much in return. Then I grew the balls to finally ask him out and he said "well I actually have a girlfriend."

I was so confused, how did I have no clue? So I told him I'm sorry and to forget about it and he said we can try but we won't be able to. Then one random day he asked me to meet him for drinks. We got drinks, we drank the drinks and the drinks drank us. He moved from across the table to the seat next to me and explained to me how tragic his life has been and how awful it is with this girl, and I fell. I fell hard, and we kissed. Drunk out of our minds we Uber'd home our separate ways. Next day at work was a little awkward. Stuff like this went on for months, I was in love, and maybe he was too, but he didn't leave her. I was lead on, broken apart, and fooled by him. But it wasn't easy for him either.

I continued to convince and persuade and I became this person I didn't and still don't recognize. I was so blinded I chose not to see how I was being done so wrong even with the world telling me so. Long story. Shorter version, he ended up leaving her "for me," and we started dating. We are basically twins, we like the same stuff, think the same way, just the same. Or so we thought. He's four years older than me and in our generation I think it's two completely different world views. I'm a millennial and to me living in the now and capturing memories for later is how I live. For him it's living for tomorrow, trying to build a better future for the both of us and saving so we don't go homeless.

At this point I don't know if I'm just forcing myself because I worked so hard to get this guy. And now everything is always wrong. I love him a lot but sometimes love isn't enough and it isn't everything. You can't sustain a relationship solely on love. Nothing's ever perfect and we were naive enough to get into this thinking it would be perfect. Now we constantly let each other down. We have our own dreams I feel like we're pushing to the side for the other person.

What is love?

love
Valerie Rose
Valerie Rose
Read next: 'Chocolate Kisses'
Valerie Rose

Journalist. Artist. Poet. 

See all posts by Valerie Rose