What Is a Narcissist?

I have a mom-friend who is going through a nasty divorce. Unfortunately, it is taking a long time, so neither her, her husband, nor her children can move on.

We always did things as a group, all of the parents and children, so I got to know both of them well. I am friends with both of them on Facebook. The only difference between them is how much dirty laundry they are willing to post about. The answer: She doesn't say anything. He isn't afraid to tell everyone his side of the story and how horrible she is. He doesn't mention how hard the last few years were on her, so most people (who aren't her friend) only see the bad side of things.

One of the latest things he posted about was how she was a narcissist. I can't see my sweet and overwhelmed friend as anything as kind and willing to go above and beyond to try to save her marriage. But in his mind, she is a narcissist.

I think this word is thrown around, without clear understanding. Anytime anyone is hurt, they need to blame someone.

So, what is a narcissist?

The exact definition of narcissism is excessive interest in or admiration of oneself.

There is also narcissistic personality disorder, which is "a pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy."

That being said, people can have some traits that can be considered narcissistic, without having narcissistic personality disorder.

In fact, many successful people may have qualities that can be considered narcissistic. They can be focused and willing to put in the work to make themselves better, without bothering other people. Only when people are highly inflexible and unable to adapt, they may be considered to have a narcissistic personality disorder.

This word shouldn't be thrown around as a bad personality trait or to describe someone who is self-absorbed. This can actually harm your relationship, if you simply call him or her a narcissist just because you are upset.

So, how can you tell the difference between someone who is self-obsessed and a narcissist?

Here are some traits that narcissists have.

Narcissists have a lack of empathy. People who are narcissists aren't able to fully understand how others feel. They think everyone should think and act exactly like them, and can't relate to those who don't.

Those with narcissistic tendencies can realize that their actions hurt others and may try to change. Narcissists won't.

They are also full of grandiosity. Narcissists and self-absorbed people are happy to talk about themselves a lot. They crave the attention that they can get, and aren't afraid to exaggerate to get others to like them even more!

The difference, when it comes to grandiosity, is that self-absorbed people don't think that they need special treatment to the extent that narcissists do. True narcissists think they are special and must be treated that way.

They are preoccupied with fame, looks, money, and power. They will do anything (and I mean anything) to get ahead in life. Their entire goal in life is to look as good as possible. They also need to work as hard as possible to get the power, fame, and money that they know they deserve. 

This also means they are unafraid to take advantage of people to get what they want. They don't mind taking advantage of someone who is vulnerable or using them if they need to, so they can get ahead. They aren't afraid to profit at the expense of someone else.

They are also quick to inform others how much they truly deserve. They aren't afraid to start a job and hint at what needs to be changed. In a new relationship, it won't take them long to point out all the other person's faults. They will expect change, instead of compromising and working with their loved ones. 

They believe that they are special (and want to be surrounded by other people who are special too)! They truly believe that they are better than most other people. It is also easier to be friends who are also superior to most people. These people probably also have the looks, power, and money that narcissists want (and possibly have).

You may not believe it, but narcissists are often jealous of others. They believe they should have what others have, without putting in the work. On the flip side, they may feel like others are jealous of them, for having fame, looks, money, and power. 

Narcissists need love and attention. They need this extra attention to feel as special as possible. When this doesn't happen, they get really hurt. They can lash out, make threats, and even gaslight their victims.

They don't take criticism well. Instead of being emotionally fragile, they will lash out or get angry when things don't go their way. Someone who is self-absorbed will be able to listen to constructive criticism and make changes, while a narcissist will likely blow up at the criticism. In fact, narcissists often have low-self esteem.

The term narcissist is thrown around very quickly nowadays. Whenever anyone is hurt, they assume that the person who hurt them is one. However, while some people may have narcissistic traits, it doesn't always make them a narcissist. 

So, how do you know if you know a narcissist? He or she feels entitled and is always right. They know that they are special, and they need the love and attention to help them feel that way! Fame, looks, and power are super important to them, and they like to be around others who are also blessed with these.

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Previously published on Medium and/or Newsbreak.