What I Wish You Knew

I was blessed and cursed with a good memory.

Here's my inventory of all the things I kept from the days I spent time with you from the moment we met, through our friendship, and through our relationship.

The purple ribbon from the day we met and got put into the same team at youth camp

103 Happy Meal toys

57 Movie tickets

2 Concert tickets

17 Photo booth prints

3 key-chains

12 letters

I didn't keep these things to be a hoarder. I kept them because each item tells a story. I remember all 103 events that lead up to you buying me a Happy Meal to make me smile. I remember every movie we watched together, and I remember what each letter says just by looking at the wrinkles on each paper.

I remember every hug we've shared and where they all were. I remember all the times you asked me not to let go. I remember our dynamic even before we truly met. I remember observing you talk to my friends from a distance and I remember you thinking of me as just "that quiet girl who just does her homework any chance she gets."

The day we met, that weekend at church youth camp, I was 16. I was depressed, bordering on suicidal, and not sure I even believed in God. Nobody knew that about me, but from the moment we got grouped into the Purple team, you saw right through me.

"Why are you so emo?" you'd ask loudly enough for everyone to hear. Even though it made me laugh I always hated that about you. You didn't have a filter. You always say things out loud no matter how personal they are.

It was winter, so I was able to cover my scars easily with sweaters and long sleeved shirts.

When we got to the time for worship, you and I stood in the pews next to each other, and forgetting my scars, I rolled my sleeves up. I noticed you looking with your side eye and quickly covered up and we both pretended you saw nothing. I saw your eyes tear up and I was appalled.

From that moment, I realized I never wanted to see you cry ever again. That was the first time I asked for help. As soon as the group split into individual groups I walked up to one of the elders and asked for help for my mental health. I was so thankful that I met you that weekend because it made me seek aid and just that drew me closer to God. I got baptized shortly after.

We grew closer and closer in the months following and just as I prepared to tell you I liked you, a new girl showed up at church and you two quickly fell for each other. You and I remained friends and you knew I didn't like her, but I tried to be her friend for your sake. It was hard because I knew she wasn't one hundred percent honest with you about her past, and she told me some things that I knew would be deal breakers for you. Your relationship with her was toxic, but I'm glad that I witnessed it.

Your relationship with her put you in a bad spot. You became a different person. You were drifting away from your religion, you were neglecting school, and lashing out at your parents. You don't remember the amount of times you tried to cut me out but you did, and I'm glad that I was annoying enough to not let you. I'm glad I helped you get through that spot... but that's also when things between us changed.

I guess when someone helps you out of a state of depression, it's natural to catch feelings, and you did. You and I had opposite personalities that complimented each other throughout our friendship. We made each other better in different ways. I made you more mature, while you made me more outgoing. However, our opposing characters didn't make for a good relationship. We were always at odds about our priorities. I prioritized school and my education, while you prioritized the concept of "YOLO," and lived your life slacking off and partying. But there was never any doubt that we loved each other.

I had graduated from youth camp and because you are a year younger, you got to go the next year. You caught feelings for another girl during that time and upon your return you dumped me claiming, "I just want to focus on God, and fix my relationship with my parents."

I wanted to believe it was true. I only wished the best for you. I told you if it takes us breaking up for you to do that, then that's what needs to be done and I wanted to support you. But deep down, I knew that wasn't the truth. I knew you caught feelings for the girl you were texting for months, claiming she wasn't anyone to worry about. I believed you thinking that she's younger than us by so many years. She's like my little sister. To put things into perspective I used to babysit her. I had to pry you in the coming days for the truth and the way you told me was so hurtful. It was like you didn't even respect me enough to be honest with me.

I thank God for her life each and everyday because she is one of the only few people I can count on. Yes, she may have caught feelings for someone who was in a relationship, but she never told you to end it. She saw the way that you dealt with the situation, and she saw the way you treated me, and told you that she wanted nothing to do with you.

The thing is, I had other friends from church. There was someone who I thought could help me in my time of hurting. He told me that he was sorry you did that, and that he had no idea that you had feelings for that girl. I later came to find out that he encouraged you to dump me.

You realized you made a mistake and I took you back. I could tell you were sorry, but I knew I wouldn't be the same pushover who would've done anything for you anymore. I knew a part of me would always doubt you.

We fought countless amounts of time about how you wanted the old me back, who would've scavenged couches and purses to find change to buy you food. I had to be stingy with my money as a college student. There was only so much money I could spend miscellaneously, and I used to spend most of it on you.

I told you you'd have to gain my trust again. You tried, and I wanted so badly to trust you again but you slipped up a lot. There were times I caught you secretly hanging out as friends with your ex who I wasn't comfortable with, as she blamed me for that relationship falling apart. I caught her trying to Facetime with you at 4am, intentionally trying to put a wedge between us. You, being oblivious, answered her calls. You refused to cut ties with her when you made me cut ties with everyone in my life who you were uncomfortable with.

You disappointed me a lot, but that doesn't mean I loved you any less. Yes, you did all these bad things, but that's not to say I didn't have my share of mistakes. I stopped prioritizing you. I stopped giving you any attention. I tried so hard not to let you take advantage of me that I stopped treating you with any respect at all. But I do. I respect you more than you respect yourself.

I know you always felt inferior to me because I was a college girl and you were figuring out your life. What I wish you knew was that I was jealous of you. I was never sure about college. I was there because I was obligated to be and I didn't want to disappoint my family. You on the other hand, you lived your life without taking obligations from anyone. You made your own rules and you went about your life at your own pace.

Your friends are in college, and I know you don't think you are smart, but I've always told you that you are. I've never told you that you're dumb, and I've never told you that you won't succeed by not going to college.

It's been 6 months since you broke up with me without giving me any proper reason and I'm still trying to make sense of it. I miss you. I miss seeing you. I miss spending time with you. I wish you were easy to get over but you were heavily involved in my life for the past 4 years and it's hard to let that go.

You don't talk to me much anymore, but I wish we did. I love hearing about what goes on in your life. I still pray for you. I see thunderstorms and the first thing I do is pray that you'll get to work safely. I see you listening to sad music on our shared Spotify account and I pray that you're alright. I can't bring myself to start a conversation with you though, because I know you'll shut me out and I'm never mentally prepared for it. I just let you start the conversations now.

You are special, my love. You are intelligent, perhaps not in the traditional ways, but you have knowledge in things others don't know much about. I've been inspired by you from the moment that we met and babe, I'll always be rooting for you. Remember that the next time you feel that no one's on your side.