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What I Need You To Know

And Believe: I Choose Me...not us!

By Shirley BelkPublished about a year ago Updated about a year ago 5 min read
4
Truly

Over the course of a twenty year marriage you gave me many things. Things like financial security, an occasional shoulder to cry on, a sounding board in the times I was perplexed at the world, a laugh or two, another ticket at the movies, flowers on special occasions, a shared political view, and help with the animals in our lives.

But I need you to know that I didn't need you for any of those things. I was an educated, fully mature woman who had an anchor in her spiritual belief and the love and support of her adult children, not to mention strong female friends and peers. I would have been just fine without you. I just trusted you to make good on your promise to make my life better and easier.

There were times that I believed in my heart you would make good on those vows. But there were other times...the times you left me perplexed and confused and angry and resentful.

I want you to know that through all the ups and downs, I stayed. Not because I had to, but because I chose to. I chose to honor the covenant we made to the Creator. I chose to honor the man I thought you were and could be. I chose us. And I chose to believe.

You didn't believe. Because you came home and left four times prior to your final departure. At first, I tried harder, and then, on the second departure, I was pretty sure you were bipolar. You agreed to take Prozac finally, at least. But you were never consistent with it. The third time, you blamed my family. My mother had lived with us, and my son came to our home for a short while to get some help while getting on his feet. Life's circumstances were too much for you. And on the fourth time, your physical health caught up with your emotional/mental health. You had full blown diabetes. You had vertigo. You had pneumonia. You had a blood clot. And then you got Covid which led to dehydration, severe fatigue, and heart irregularities. Then you called me for help. It took you fifteen months. We were separated but not divorced.

By that time, I had retired from a career in Nursing and moved out of state. I had a meager retirement, but lived well. I was making adjustments in my life. It wasn't easy. But I woke up every morning and I was very grateful.

I left my new home and state to take care of you. You had to get on long term disability. I set up and coordinated all your doctors for your optimum health. We finally got your vital signs and blood sugar stable again.

One day, while I was still there, you surprised me with a bended knee and a new wedding band. In my heart, I knew I should probably say no and run, but I didn't. I told you I needed you to be all in with our marriage. You agreed to that.

Because you could no longer afford the apartment you were living in, I helped to pack you up and we moved to my place.

That lasted nine months. Each day you became more and more restless and dissatisfied in your new environment. I tried to be understanding and give you the grace for adjustments. But it wore me down. And there were gambling losses you accrued that enraged me. By Thanksgiving, you were awful and belligerent in front of my visiting family and I asked you to spend the holiday away from us. You went back to the casino.

After the company left, you came home. You brought the gift of Covid from the crowds in the casino to me. I became very, very ill with it and dehydrated within a week of taking the anti-virals. I asked you to take me to the clinic which was about twenty miles away. You did, but the trip back home was pure hell. You told me you were leaving and we got into a huge argument. You used the car as a weapon by driving fast and erratically to frighten me.

Then you gave me a few more gifts. As we exited the highway to our town, you did something you have never done in our entire marriage: you hit me with your fist to my forehead and poured a full cup of iced soda on me, then pushed me out into the 39 degree winter's air and left me on the side of the road while you drove off. While I was left in the cold, you hurriedly got to my house and picked up your dog then headed out. You left your medicines and insulin...so smart.

I say those were gifts because I totally quit caring about you that day. I don't care why you did what you did. I have not shed one tear over you. I have not made one excuse for your complete lack of empathy or respect for me. There is a warrant out for your violence towards me. And I plan on selling the expensive ring you put on my finger. I need you to know I don't need or desire anymore roses or gifts from you ever again in my life. Don't call me. I don't want to hear your voice. I am no longer your nurse or your wife. Thank you for your final parting gifts. Believe that when I tell you! I'm going to be just fine and dandy without you. I no longer believe in us. From now on, I choose "me."

divorce
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About the Creator

Shirley Belk

Mother, Nana, Sister, Cousin, & Aunt who recently retired. RN (Nursing Instructor) who loves to write stories to heal herself and reflect on all the silver linings she has been blessed with

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Comments (4)

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  • Kelli Sheckler-Amsdenabout a month ago

    ugh, I am so sorry you had to experience that. It is amazing how much stronger we really are. Yay for you for taking it all back, such an inspiration

  • Hope Martin3 months ago

    Wow. I'm so proud of you. I'm so glad that you are a phoenix, and being left in the cold wasn't where your fire sputtered. I am SO glad that is where you began to burn your hottest. I'm so proud of you,

  • L.C. Schäfer6 months ago

    I hope you're OK now, and he's still staying away!

  • Lovely writing ✨💖😊

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