What Happened to Forever?

What happened to forever?

All those late nights we’d stay up talking on the phone in soft, melodic whispers.

Those rare nights we actually got along and promised that nothing could ever break us apart because it was you and I forever, through and through.

You were supposed to save me, at least you swore you’d always save me.

In the end, I had to save myself from the brute who replaced the boy I loved with my entire being.

I tried so hard to fight, it took everything I had and yet I still lost it all. I had lost it all, long before I had even known what was happening. The worst part of it all, I forgot who I was.

I forgot who I was before you stole my innocence and destroyed everything I believed would stand long after I was gone.

I see pictures of me, the old me, and I can never recognize her because she looks nothing like the girl in the mirror.

The one with dark shadows across her face and lifeless eyes.

Honestly, I am not sure who I am because as far as I can tell I am lost wandering the streets late at night, doing things I never would’ve done and for a short time it is a bright thrill.

When it fades and I am back in my bed, buried beneath pile of blankets I remember that I am broken, that you broke me and stole my smile.

The chill in the room bites at my cheeks and I reach to try and warm them only to find tears cascading down them like the rainstorm brewing outside. I scream and toss the blankets off as I angrily brush at my face because I should not be crying over the boy who destroyed me.

Yet on so many cold nights, in the dead hours of the morning I find myself crying because you forced me to become something in your presence which has left me desolate in your absence.

I loathe you for that, for everything you have done to me.

I loathe you.

I loathe you because I can’t get you out of my head.

Your laugh echoes through every crack in my walls and your smile breaks through the darkness I shroud my room in.

I loathe you.

Because when my world is spinning out of control, my chest burning, heaving, begging for a release from the pain my heart wrenches in, yet I still want you to be the one to comfort me. Even though it’s all because I can hear your angry words seeping through every locked door and broken window.

I loathe you because even though you ruined me.

I still love you.

I loathe you because even after I had given you up.

I still fought to keep you in my life somehow and you threw it in my face. You told people, I was a bitch. A cold and heartless bitch, but I never did a damn thing to you!

I have never been cold or heartless.

Even when you walked into that room and I waited until after my friends had left to come do damage control. Even when every fiber in my body screamed at me to run, run far away and never learn your name. Even in the moment you kissed me and I felt a coldness seeping into my bones never to be erased or forgotten. That coldness is a constant reminder that I too trusting of even the worst people.

I have never been cold or heartless.

Even in the moment my name crossed your lips the first time and caused these crazy palpations of my heart.

You have ruined me.

I am ruined.

Because I let you in and you took over every inch of me being; I have yet to recover all the pieces you stole.

I am ruined.

Because I break at the slightest mention or sight of anything similar to you.

My chest heaves and burns, nausea takes over my body, my hands shake, my head spins and my eyes fill with tears I swear will never be spilled.

Though it’s not true.

The minute I am behind a locked door and no one else is around. I break into a million pieces, I desperately try to hold all the pieces together. It is a futile attempt because not even I can save myself from the atrocities you have done to me.

I am ruined because you dug yourself into every deep and dark corner of my mind.

I can’t open a closed door without the fear that you will be there, ready and waiting to tear me a new one.

I swear the bruises you left across my arms and abdomen are still there. They are like a tattoo of what you have done to me.

Our story is written across my entire body, from day one to the very last day. The day I walked away from you a shaking, shattered mess.

I can’t even hold myself up without the dread of breaking.

The mention of a relationship makes me recoil in fear because you have ruined me forever.

You ruined me and sometimes I can’t help to believe that it was your intention all along. I’ll never know for sure because I know I can’t face you, again.