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What does the future hold for me?

bring it on universe, I'm ready for you

By Mallory JohnsonPublished 2 years ago 12 min read
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What does the future hold for me?
Photo by Benjamin Davies on Unsplash

What do I want my future to look like? Nothing super specific yet because things can change but in general what do i want?

What do I want my future to look like as of right now in broad strokes? When I close my eyes, what do I see?

I don't see my current humans and that makes me super sad. I don't know if it's just the way things are going right now and if that will change. I don't know if i need to change or if they do. I don't know if it will work out or if we are even meant to be together. I feel so lost and alone nowadays. I feel as though things are changing and I know in my soul they are changing for the better and moving in the right direction. I also know that this is going to hurt… a lot. I am going to get my heart broken by people I have come to love and I am going to break their hearts in return. But I don't know how to stop it. I don't know how to be happy and fulfilled in the way that I need without letting them go. I don't know how to be happy without letting myself go. I never thought I would come to this point. To arrive at the point where I feel so happy and so alone at the same time. To feel fulfilled and longing for something more at the same time.

I didn't realize what I needed until I had it or rather didn't have it. And maybe things will all change. Maybe I'll end up staying here for the rest of my life. Maybe what I have envisioned in my head isn't what is meant for me after all. Maybe what I'm picturing as being my future just doesn't exist. Maybe it's what I want but what I want can never be in reality. I'm not sure yet but the thought that I envision my future as not existing just makes me sad. I have a feeling I'm going to lose a lot along the way but I think/hope/pray that I'm going to gain a lot too.

I can't be with people who make me feel like I'm tiptoeing around them at all times. But honestly, I'm not really with them at all. We are touchy friends and nothing more. Even as I write that I feel like it's a lie. Even if it's one-sided, which it might be, I love them dearly. I'm just not sure it will be enough. Are the short moments where I feel loved and touched… are they enough? I don't think they are. I need more and I'm not sure they are able/willing to give me more. I will never be put first, i will always be on the edge of being pushed out, or at very least i will always be afraid that if i step out of line of being the perfect girlfriend that they will just decide they can go back to the way things were when it was just them. Because they survived for long enough without me and they can do it again.

I don't know how we got here. How we got to this point where I feel so alone. It wasn't like this in the beginning. And maybe it was just a matter of time but I just can't help but wonder where the passion and interest went. I know I have gone off on a tangent but I think this is important for what my future holds. Because if it doesn't hold them (as a large part anyway) as my partners then things will look very different. And as much as I love them I have a gut feeling they are never going to let me in the way I need them to.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm searching for something, yet again, and I don't know what it is. But I also feel like I do know what it is. I want to be happy, and that sounds so weird because I'm not unhappy. I have a job that pays me well, I have kona and pups to keep me company, I have a wonderful house to live in, and I have people who pay attention to me sometimes.

And therein lies the problem I think. I never thought I would say this or that it would come to this but I as a human need to feel desired. I need to feel wanted. I feel like the wife is trying to seduce her husband and failing because he just isn't interested in her anymore. These small, fleeting, moments where I get some semblance of what it could be like or what it should be like aren't enough. I need passion, i need empathy, i need attention, i need love and i need sex. Im kinda ironically pissed that my dad was right, sex and money are the two things that ruin relationships….. I really hoped he wasn't right. And it's not just about the actual act of sex its also about the sensuality. The want, the need, the desire. I don't like feeling like I'm pawning over somebody who doesn't want me. I need it, I need aggression, I need primal instincts, I need the look of hunger in somebody's eyes, I need somebody to act like and show me that they want me damnit. I shouldn't have to question whether or not the person I'm “dating” wants me. It should be obvious and they should want to spend time with me and cuddle me and love me and touch me. I shouldn't be the one initiating everything or even feeling hesitant about initiating even a kiss because I'm worried about what their friends will think or if they are going to push me off or not.

And for that, I am grateful that I learned what I need. And maybe things will get better. And i feel like i sound so stupid and naive saying that. I'm not some poor bored housewife whose husband won't pay attention to her. I'm just a human who fell in love with two people who are already in love with each other….. God that one hurt.

I both know what to do and don't know what to do. I told Natalie and myself that I would give them until July 22, a year of knowing them for things to drastically change and I am going to do that. Because I do love them. And regardless of whatever happens, I owe them that much and I owe myself that much to say I at least tried.

So when i close my eyes and think about what the future and next year holds i'm conflicted, and i'm going to go with what my gut instinct of when I don't think about it and first close my eyes… what happens? What do I see? How do I feel? Where am i? Who am I with? Am I alone?

My first initial thing I saw when I closed my eyes was me playing in the snow with a man who was my husband/boyfriend/lover. I was running away and looked back over my shoulder smiling and laughing to see him smiling and laughing too. He reaches around my waist to catch me and lift me up out of the snow which is still falling around us. We are outside clearly either in our backyard or in some park. I can't tell which and he spins me around and while I'm still lifted in the air kisses me with my little hat with a puffy ball and snow coat on for everybody to see. He is clearly taller and more muscular than I am and I can't tell what color his hair is but he has these amazing blue eyes and a great smile with full lips. And I feel happy. Really truly happy. He sets me down and we start walking again but I can't tell what we are walking to. I just know we are both bundled up and his hand is in mine and his hands are warm and big and he is warm and big and I feel safe and happy. And I never want to leave. We walk off to wherever we are going at the time.not sure where and the scene changes to him waking me up in the morning. We are laying in bed with our bed pressed up against the windows overlooking something. It keeps switching between the city and the grass. But I'm still half asleep and it's like I'm watching this all happen from above them but it's me in the bed. He wakes me up and turns me over so I can see his face as he is smiling down at me. I can't help but smile back. We have a few moments of peace before he gets up to let kona into the room where she hops onto the bed so for right now i am just enjoying the feel of his arms around me caging me in on either side of my head as he looks down at me with adoration in his eyes and i look at hm in the same way. We are very clearly in love and happy and it makes my heart soar. I finally feel like the main character in my own movie and I just can't help but think oh my god I've finally made it. This is what happiness is like. He leans down to kiss me good morning and snuggles up against me so we can just lay in bed and cuddle a little bit. I asked him where he scooted off to so early and he said he just got up to start the coffee and brush his teeth. Smiling, I just crawl back into his arms because there is nowhere else we would rather be than wrapped up in each other for a few small moments of peace before the dogs come in.

My future holds the man of my dreams, holding me in bed, loving me immensely and me loving him just as much in return with our dogs around us and joy in our hearts. We laugh and joke and fuck around with each other becasue on top of being lovers, husband and wife, and best friends, we are partners and we belong together. He is a professional and I own a successful online boutique. Neither of us tries to one up the other rather we celebrate each other for their success and lift each other up. We have two dogs, Kona and Charlie and they are precious. We make breakfast together most days and sometimes I even cook instead of watching him cook. He will come up behind me and lean down and kiss my neck while wrapping his hands around me and I will just smile and get butterflies. Sometimes it goes past innocence in the kitchen and the passion comes out but sometimes it's just sweet and wholesome. Our sex life is amazing and we are comffortable with each other enough to tell each other what we want. He loves my body and I love his. We are passionate, animalistic, and lovely. He is both tender and dominant at the same time, being rough but never with the intention to really cause me a bad sort of pain. We are active in the kink community and have a ton of friends who we spend time with on occasion when we want to. Our friends are our family. We will sit cuddled up with the dogs on the couch watching movies and drinking wine or apple cider depending on the day and time. He has an active sports career so he is gone sometimes but so am I with the boutique. He's possessive and growley and big and makes me feel little and wanted and needed. I calm him down and he riles me up in the best of ways. We fit in a way that people can't seem to describe but it just works. Things aren't always easy but they are good and we are happy.

This is what my future holds and everything else… every other little detail… will fall into place in time. The who, what, when, where, why, and how will all work themselves out because Hecate and the universe have my best interest at heart and they want me to be happy the way i deserve to be happy. All of the loss, heartache, and pain that has come into my life until this point will be worth it because it will lead me to my soulmate who will complete me and I will complete him. It will be destiny and it will be symbiotic.

I am open to love

I am open to finding new people

I am open to new experiences

I trust in the universe to protect me

I trust in the universe to guide me

I trust in the universe to lead me where i am meant to go

I relinquish control even though its hard

I relinquish the anguish that has lead me to this point

I am letting go of being scared to succeed

I am letting go of the fear of following my dreams and my heart

I am strong

I am powerful

I am magical

I will do great things in life

I am woman

I am fearless

I am sexy

I am born of the divine

I am ready for change

I am ready for my soulmate

I am ready to be appreciated

I am ready to be loved

I am scared but willing to take the leap

I am tired of running

I am standing here arms wide open ready to receive good blessings for my life and my business

I attract good vibes, people, energy, and great success

Everything happens for a reason and in its own perfect time and I cannot wait to see what the future holds for me.

Bring it on universe. I'm ready for you. Let's go.

humanity
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About the Creator

Mallory Johnson

My goal is to make mental health a little bit easier to deal with day to day. It is a life long struggle and something that we have to deal with but it doesn’t have to be debilitating.

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