What Did I Do Wrong?

“You are so selfish, so inconsiderate!”

“I would never do that to you.”

“You just don’t know how to love someone.”

“You never make time for us. It’s always YOU.”

“You don’t value our relationship.”

At one point or another, I have said these words to someone: in anger, out of frustration, out of disappointment, out of sadness. Out of a belief that, if I said these things enough times, and with the right inflection, things would change, that my partner would change. Not surprisingly, nothing ever changed and I’d once again set out to find the perfect partner and the perfect relationship.

It took me quite a few years to realize that people are not meant to change for us; we are supposed to accept them for who they are, and not for whom we want them to be. In theory, it sounds amazing. In reality, acceptance is usually a crap show, because we are all unique, we are flawed, we have expectations, we have parents who molded us this or that way, we have different cultures. We are indelibly human, and we struggle to understand that not everyone shares our unique perspective and beliefs.

My first marriage ended in disaster, because I focused 100 percent of my time on trying to mold a nice Englishman into the man of my dreams. Poor guy. Five years later, we were done, and I walked away thinking I would not make the same mistake again. That I would find someone who meets my needs. Who gives me what I want.

Relationship number two was even worse, because by then I had convinced myself that I was stronger smarter prettier more successful more deserving more wonderful more more more. And that I would not settle for less. But I hadn’t taken the time to figure out what, exactly, I thought I deserved or needed or wanted. I had this definition of “love” that was loosely based on 80s movies, my parents' relationship and Latino culture. I was all over the place, to put it bluntly.

We broke up not long after we got engaged, bought a home, made wonderful promises to each other under the influence of copious amounts of alcohol, and had even gotten pregnant. Two years later, I walked away with a miscarriage to my name, an alcohol abuse problem and severe depression.

What the hell? I remember thinking. Why does this keep happening? This can’t be my fault… or can it?

I decided to ask myself some really hard questions and be brave enough to answer them with honesty. Is there a slight possibility that I am somewhat responsible for the chaos in the last seven years? Was I wrong to think I deserved more? Shoot, am I too picky?

After a one year hiatus from dating, I finally understood that the most fundamental mistake I’d made was jumping into serious relationships with blinders on. It’s not that I should’ve gotten to know my partners better; there is no guarantee that you will absolutely 100% know someone after one year or five years. People reveal themselves to you constantly, day in and day out. The mistake I made was that I jumped in long before I had a firm grasp on what I stood for, what I believed, what was most important to me, not just in relationships, but in life.

I had not defined my value system, and without it I would continue to be in relationships that crushed my spirit rather than lifted it.

So I defined them: Truth. Respect. Trust.

Truth because only by discovering and accepting my own was I able to heal from so much suffering. Respect because I wholeheartedly believe every person who walks this earth has purpose and value. And Trust, because I need “North Korea” people in my corner; people I can trust to do whatever it takes to get me out of a horrible situation. People who’ve got my back.

Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t wake up one day with my core values lying right next to me in bed. My values and I had been “dating” for a long time, but I’d failed to make a commitment to them. They had revealed themselves to me through tough experiences, introspection and months of self-reflection, and after two horrifying relationships, it was time for me to live by them.

Defining your value system and living by it are two very different things. You can post MEME’s about Honesty and Strength and Trust all over your Facebook page and you can wear the t-shirt or buy the hat with a great quote on Perseverance, but if you’re not willing to pay the price for sticking to your values, they are not worth much to you in the first place. And paying the price means maybe you get comfortable with saying NO. With boundaries.

For example, before I defined and committed to my values, I’d be at work and think, I really need some time to myself, so I think I’ll go for a run. I’d call my partner on the way home to let him know.

Him: Are you on your way home?

Me: Uhm, well…

Him: I had such a tough day. Let’s go grab a few drinks. What do you think? You in the mood?

Me: Uhm, well… yeah, I guess we can do that.

Him: Great! See you in a bit. I’ll take a shower.

I did this… a lot. Until I’d reach boiling point, resulting in an explosive argument about how much I do for him, how he never goes out of his way for me, and you are such an inconsiderate, selfish person! Sound familiar?

Had I paused and asked myself, but what is the truth? I would have come clean and said, “No, I’m actually not in the mood for that. I’m going for a run instead so I’ll catch up with you later.”

If you’re stuck in an endless cycle of bad relationships and you’re scratching your head, trying to figure out what the hell is going on, sit down. Grab a pen and paper. Define your values and ask yourself if you’re living by them. Because when you live by a set of core values, you'll never walk away from a relationship wondering if you should have done something different. You'll never say, "What did I do wrong?"

Use your value system as a compass and you will never again feel lost.