Walking on Broken Glass

I drove my rickety red Ford Taurus around the hot and dusty college town in Eastern Washington with tears streaming down my face. I drove and I cried. I didn’t know where to go, who to turn to, or what to do. I did my best to wipe my eyes and face, choking back sobs. My mind was racing from one potential scenario to the next. I was completely distraught. I wanted so badly to run. I fought the urge to pick up my foster son from school, pack a few bags and just drive. Maybe we’d go to the Oregon coast. Or we could go stay with my brother in California. The urge to flee was palpable. Wouldn’t it be nice to run away and leave all the complications and terror behind!?

The song by Annie Lennox was playing on the radio at that very moment.

“Walking on, walking on broken glass…And if you’re trying to cut me down, you know that I might bleed. Cause if you’re trying to cut me down, I know that you’ll succeed…”

Through my tears, the words of the song invaded my consciousness. I could feel the sharp glass crunching beneath my feet and piercing my skin. I was bleeding, metaphorically. And I certainly was walking on broken glass, every single day.

My husband of 12 years had gone away, 1 week earlier, to work on a fishing boat in Alaska. When I had dropped him off in Seattle, the tension drained out of my face and shoulders. My heartbeat slowed and I felt happy. No, I felt ecstatic. In fact I sang to the radio at the top of my lungs as I left to drive home. He was gone. I had time to provide a peaceful, loving environment for my son. And time to plan my escape, if I could just figure out how to make it on my own. I was making only $700 a month. How would I survive? How could I provide for my son?

Kyle was supposed to be gone for 3 to 6 months. That is until he called me to say he didn’t like the job. He never liked the job! He had seldom held a steady job for more than a few weeks at a time. He had already boarded a bus and was on his way home. I had about 3 hours to react and all I could do was drive and cry!

Before Kyle left for Seattle he had thrown a ceramic dinner plate at me after I asked if he’d had a chance to get the tires checked on the car. He had also put his large college-football-player hands around my son’s throat when he hadn’t finished his homework. Johnny had a history of severe trauma and he struggled with learning. As a baby, his birth father had thrown him against a wall, bruising his tender, developing frontal lobe. This rendered Johnny with extreme impulsivity. Kyle had no patience for any of Johnny’s challenges. I had no doubt that I needed to find a way to relieve my son and myself from the grips of verbal and physical abuse. He had been abused for most of his life. I wasn’t about to subject him to more abuse. At the age of 13, he’d already had enough pain and sorrow to last a lifetime.

“Walking on, walking on, broken glass…”. I pulled the car over and stopped crying. I was terrified but I knew, with all of my being, that now was the time to change my life for the better. As I listened to Annie Lennox, I realized I had strength within and I could no longer live in fear. I could no longer subject myself or my son to violence and anger. I had to find a way to get Kyle out of our lives! It was now or never! I had lived on very little money since I’d married Kyle, so I could definitely continue to do just that. I had to find a way to create a new life for us!

Soon he would arrive home, expecting me to be excited to see him. But au contraire. I had grown weary of being an actress and putting on a happy face to deflect his wrath. I had mastered the art of donning my proverbial makeup, learning my lines and playing the part. He could go from smiling and giggling to complete rage in a matter of seconds. Our marriage had taught me to be hyper vigilant. I knew the signs to watch for. The veins in his massive neck bulged, his dark eyes turned black, and his face contorted into a wicked sneer. I had perfected walking on “glass eggshells” and changing my actions and words to match his erratic moods. Ever the peacemaker, I was exhausted. I knew I had to get through this day by “playing along”. I summoned the strength to do that with the knowledge that soon, very soon, I would be liberated.

Relief washed over me. This was the turning point I had longed for. My hand was being forced and that’s exactly what I needed. It’s interesting how fate can intervene on our behalf. I’ve always possessed a knowing and belief in serendipity. Now it was happening for me and I refused to let the opportunity slip through my fingers.

I didn’t yet have a specific plan in place but I knew I would no longer be the victim who cried desperately, wishing and hoping for a better life. I would no longer rage and thrash around in deep water. I was prepared to swim to shore to claim safety for myself and my son. I would not allow a lack of money to stand in my way. I would seek guidance and support and I would find it! He would no longer reign over us with his iron fists and venomous words.

I was shaken from my reverie as I listened to Annie Lennox sing about wanting him back. That used to be me, but no longer!

“Now everyone of us was made to suffer

Everyone of us was made to weep

We've been hurting one another

Now the pain has cut too deep

So take me from the wreckage

Save me from the blast

Lift me up and take me back

Don't let me keep on walking

I can't keep on walking, keep on walking on broken glass ...”

Although her song was urging me to stay, it had actually made me realize that I was no longer willing to live in a toxic situation. I had hung in there with Kyle through infidelity and resultant infertility, lies, explosive outbursts, compulsive stealing and verbal abuse. I took my wedding vows very seriously so I had done everything I could think of to make our marriage work. I had tried desperately to get him to go to counseling or to read a book together about building a relationship built on mutual respect and communication. I could not get him to engage with me in anything that would improve our marriage.

Making a huge change in your life can be terrifying. The fear of leaping into the unknown is what causes many women to stay in toxic relationships. But I had reached my limit and fear no longer had a grip on me.

I drove home, grabbed a notebook and began to write out my plan of action:

1. Leave a note telling Kyle he needs to move out.

2. Ask to stay with a friend while Kyle moves out.

3. File a restraining order if he refuses to leave.

4. Look for an inexpensive divorce lawyer or service.

5. Change the locks on the apartment.

6. Return to college…YES!

I had completed two years of college before marrying Kyle. I had spent the subsequent 12 years supporting him as he spent thousands of dollars to attend Baseball Umpire school in Florida. Then he joined the Navy but only stayed in for 2 years. He attended college for 8 years to complete his Bachelor’s degree. I thought he’d never graduate! It was high time I did something for myself and my future. Although I wasn’t sure what I would study yet, when the thought occurred to me, I got goosebumps. We were already living in school housing, so when Kyle moved out, I could stay in the apartment as a student. I would need to apply for school loans, but with my low income I knew I wouldn’t have any difficulty qualifying.

One new idea led to another. My entire body tingled with excitement! This was right. I knew exactly what I needed to do and I also knew I had to trust that I would receive help along the way. I just needed to take one step at a time. Yes I was scared and apprehensive. There were many details I hadn’t figured out and many things could go wrong. But I had to step off the cliff. I had to pry my feet out of the muck and leap into the unknown. I could crash, or I could soar. I made a commitment to myself, and to Johnny, that we would soar to safety, freedom and peace.

“The sun's still shining in the big blue sky

But it don't mean nothing to me

Oh, let the rain come down

Let the wind blow through me

I'm living in an empty room

With all the windows smashed

And I've got so little left to lose

That it feels just like I'm walking on broken glass”

Kyle did move out, after making some threats and breaking a few things. I claimed the apartment as my own by decorating it with inspirational artwork from Goodwill and soft pastel fabrics. I enrolled in college and went on to receive my Bachelor’s degree in Psychology in 2 years. I then went on to graduate school to become a school counselor.

Johnny was finally able to have friends over, since the “raging one” was gone. They played video games and played basketball while I did homework. When things became challenging, as a single Mom, Johnny and I would take drives and sing to the radio. One of our favorite songs at the time was “Life is a Highway” by Tom Cochrane. In fact, whenever Johnny got upset because I didn’t have the money to buy him the latest video game or Nike tennis shoes, I’d say, “Hey, life’s a highway”. That usually made him laugh and lightened up the conversation.

I absolutely loved being Johnny’s mother but as he grew older, he challenged me more and became threatening and violent at times. I received support from the foster care agency and Johnny’s case worker. When I look back on the stress I was under during that time in my life, it’s difficult to fathom how I actually got through it. I was raising Johnny, attending frequent meetings at the junior high regarding his behavior, attending graduate school, often from morning ‘til evening, and working part-time. It’s amazing what a person is capable of once your mind is made up to pursue a particular path.

I found my voice that summer and I gained a great deal of confidence in myself when I returned to college. I had been through the fire and thought of myself as a phoenix rising from the ashes. I am grateful for that turning point in my life when Annie Lennox’s song collided with my desperation and gave me the courage to transform my life. I made a commitment to myself that day. I vowed that I would never again put myself in a situation in which I felt desperate and powerless. I would never again allow someone to victimize me!

Music has always been my saving grace. So after that defining moment, I created a playlist that I listened to whenever my confidence began to wane or life’s challenges seemed insurmountable. That playlist strengthened me through many difficult circumstances, and continues to lift me up to this day, as I continue to add powerful, inspirational songs. It contains music by Aerosmith, Rachel Platten, Electric Light Orchestra, Gloria Gaynor, Prince, Bon Jovi, Justin Timberlake, Lady Gaga, Dar Williams, Amos Lee, and of course Annie Lennox.

I still face challenges like anyone, but life overall is peaceful and wonderful. I remain the author of my life and I live each day in gratitude. I rarely recall the years that I was married to Kyle, and the constant feelings of betrayal, sadness, conflict, and desperation. In fact it seems like I’m recalling a movie I once watched. But there is no question that those trying years made me stronger and helped shape me into the person I am today.

Of course my life has taken many twists and turns, because that’s how life is. I recently started my life over completely, again, in my mid 50’s. I had worked as a school counselor, in the high desert of Eastern Washington, for 20 years. I had always wanted to live near the ocean, surrounded by pine trees. So when I turned 55, I made some major life changes and moved to the Olympic Peninsula. I am surrounded by the beauty of nature. I can visit the beach anytime I want to and I take long soul-soothing walks in the woods.

Now when broken glass shows up in my life, it’s sea glass on the beach, in beautiful soft colors with smooth edges. Never again will I “walk on broken glass”.