Vulnerability: It’s a Beautiful Thing
How Being Vulnerable Brought Me Self-Awareness and Intimacy with My Boyfriend
I met him when we were in our mid-20s. When I first met him I couldn't believe how full of life he was and the love he had for everything. I quickly found myself constantly asking, “Where has this man been all my life?” He was that person that could turn the most horrible situation to one that was pleasant in an instant. He had this charisma about him that lit up the room. Everyone loved being around him because of his contagious and electric personality. Not to mention the most beautiful eyes that could swallow you whole. I continuously found myself getting lost in them and his smile—a half grin short and sweet so that he wouldn’t give me his all—so I’d keep yearning for more and more of him.
I had just come out of an abusive relationship that totally wore me down, and I was questioning a lot when I first met him. I was trying not to seem so damaged and lost so it wasn’t so easy to take advantage of me as the previous one did. I was scared and worried that I would bring too much baggage and eventually be too much for him. However, weeks turned to months and to my surprise we were still together. In this short time, he opened my eyes to so much that I wouldn’t be able to see myself if it wasn't for meeting him. It’s funny how true the saying is about the people in your inner circle. The people you surround yourself with dictate how you feel and how you project yourself to the world. Thanks to him, I was a lot more confident and positive and starting to let people in my life, whereas before it was strict "hi and bye" conversations. No one knew me outside of my work. My personal life was a part of me that I didn’t like to share with the world. I didn’t think it was professional and I also didn’t want to let anyone into my personal life because of how fucked up it was. I didn’t want anyone thinking less of me. I was viewed as someone who was smart, knew how to fix problems and the go-to for answers. Whereas in my personal life, I was a broken girl who had no clue about anything anymore... who was constantly questioning everything and herself.
He taught me about being vulnerable. Something I would never allow myself to feel for fear of someone taking advantage of me (due to past trauma). But what I learned was the complete opposite. It made me more aware of myself, my likes/dislikes, and how far I could push myself mentally and physically. This also helped us in our relationship. I was able to be absolutely 100 percent myself and see if someone else was able to accept me for who I really was (all my flaws, insecurities, hopes, dreams, past, future plans, etc...). It also made me see for myself if this was the man for me and if this relationship was worth pursuing. I can tell you that being vulnerable together has brought us so much closer and has brought a level of intimacy I've never had before. Sometimes too close, as we're almost in-sync it's scary—but not the bad scary, the good kind. I've always wanted my boyfriend/partner to know me better than myself so that they can provide the grounding I need when my head starts to float in the clouds. We're taking it each day at a time, and seeing where this leads us. I have no regrets about being vulnerable with him, as he is respectful about my boundaries. However, if this doesn't work out, I still will have no regrets. I have so much to take away from this relationship, and I’m so thankful for meeting someone who has opened my eyes up to so much more that I could ever imagine.
Prior to meeting him, vulnerability was something I associated with a negative light. I was too scared of being abused again because I thought it was the result of being too open with my ex (which later I found out had too many insecurities which started the abuse), but what I learned was that being open and being vulnerable is NOT the same thing.
Being open is being transparent, being vulnerable is allowing yourself to be seen for who you truly are.Time has no impact when it comes to being your raw true self.
I owe this all to him for teaching me vulnerability, as it has taught me how to heal the past, how to grow into the woman I want to be, and how to be at peace with things that I can’t attain. Not because I can’t, but because they’re truly not who I am.
I’ve learned so much in this short time being with him. I can only imagine what a few years will be like.
Here’s to the future, and I hope that this inspires you to be vulnerable. You never know what you’ll discover about yourself in this life.