Void

Whoever said marriage is hard, should have described what that truly meant. Being a relationship coach has taught me many things and yet there are still some things that one can never be taught. You have to go through the experience(s) and hopefully stay afloat.

I've been through so much in my marriage and I still can't tell you why I've stayed in it. Maybe because I believe in my vows. Maybe because I just believe that love is supposed to conquer ALL. Maybe I base it all on hope. Maybe I just BELIEVE too much. I can't truly tell you why I've stayed in this mess of a marriage.

There have been many things that have changed me and crushed my soul. Broke my heart. Made me feel ... well, honestly, I can't tell you how it also makes me feel because there are no words to express to explain my feelings:

*I've been cheated on numerous times and in one of those side relationships he was having I was told that he needed us both. He wanted her one thing and I was supposed to just be more like the roomie while he got himself off with her on the side. The sad part about that was she didn't even live in the country. His old friend that became the fling for him over the internet was filling his head with lies while he thought what they had going on was a secret. She was sharing everything with others on ExperienceProject and he was too dumb to realize that. Or just to caught up in himself that he was blinded by what was going on. *I was lied on more times than I can count *I've had the in-laws become the outlaws and pretend they know EVERYTHING that has gone on in our marriage and have no clue as to what is going on. So much so, that they make up lies and rumors about me as well and tell everyone and their mama false stories.

After years of him having fun and doing what made HIM happy, then getting caught up too many times he stopped flirting with other women. At least for a while. He decided he wasn't up to putting in the same effort anymore in the relationship. I was just to settle and be content with NOTHING. He tried to explain to me that he was just tired now of putting work into a relationship. But the work he put into a long-distance fling had nothing to do with putting in ANY effort in his actual relationship. The relationship involving his wife, not an old friend, fling, or whatever Claire pretended to be to him to get what she wanted. I ended up befriending her. Pretending to be someone else and joined him and her on the secret website they shared. I wanted to get to know her. See where she was mentally. See what was her motive. If I couldn't get the truth from him, I'd do my best to get it from her. Like I lioness I hunted my prey and infiltrated her lair. I stroked her ego and played dumb and sent her a random pic I had so she would feel closer to me. It didn't take much for her to latch on and begin sharing IN GREAT DETAIL about her and the one I was with. She shared stories of how they planned and plotted to get together online and when to call each other. I couldn't say anything. Claire explained to me how she was using him as well and sharing with her MANY FANS on the secret website they shared about how she was just using him up. She got a kick out of it and said she hoped to eventually get money from him. One time she said he had sent her money and paid for a couple of things for her. I asked her if he was in a relationship? If not had he ever been married? If he was married had she ever met his wife? Does he have children?

Surprisingly, she answered the questions. I thought that might have given her a red flag and question me about why I was asking, but it only fed her ego and gave her a cheap thrill for some reason. She said that he was UNFORTUNATELY married but didn't love the crazy woman. She spoke about me as if she knew me and knew nothing about me. She said she loved his child (she was speaking of our child we had as if she also knew everything about her). Claire couldn't wait to be part of the child's life and become her new mother. She let me know over and over how ugly she thought his wife looked. Claire explained that he wanted someone taller and was just using his wife. She was "THAT GIRL" for him and could satisfy him at least for a while. If she found something better (and she was looking) then she would send him on his way and use someone else. She explained that in the end, he will never love his wife. He doesn't care about her and how she'll (his wife) will realize he feels about her when he stops being his everything because she used him up on purpose.

I was like a bystander watching a wreck about to happen and I didn't want to stop it since I saw where it was going.

Why am I sharing this? Because these things really do happen in relationships. Sometimes, you don't want to think you are the only one experiencing this in the darkness.

He stopped loving me as he used to when we first were together and my head is stuck in that place. A place where I used to smile. Where I used to go out of my way to make him the first in EVERYTHING. I wanted him to feel loved and special. Always.

I can walk in the bedroom and play over in a memory that still is ready to playback what was once recorded. The way he kissed me. The way he touched me. The way he made me feel. The way he could melt my soul underneath his fingertips. The way I could escape with him in fantasy and now there is nothing. There is no more loving making. Hasn't been for over 12 years. He stopped loving me after he stopped talking to Claire. Her words still echo all around me. The way she found humor in ruining a marriage because she gave him false promises. False hopes. False dreams. And I stay here hoping that he would see what he had before him but he was still blind to who has stood by his side all along. He excused all these lonesome years of longing, begging, and waiting as he just lost interest in completely loving me. He kept saying how it was too much work. He was tired and didn't want to do all that anymore. He explained how he couldn't physically please me anymore because nothing worked. He used himself all up on Claire (who no longer lived in the country) and left me with nothing.

He promised me the world and I fell for it. I loved him so much and I put him first in everything. I was always thinking of things to do for him, get for him to make him feel important. In the end, he let the walls burn around me and did nothing to stop it. He added to the fuel of the flames.

He involved others to add to the walls falling apart around me. He let others poke and prod because of his lies. Because of his deceit that no one knew about. No one tried to find out. He let them believe I was just unreasonable for no reason.

He involved others to add to the walls falling apart around me. He let others poke and prod because of his lies. Because of his deceit that no one knew about. No one tried to find out. He let them believe I was just unreasonable for no reason. He told his friend's delusional stories and they'd tell him they were there for him and would send him sympathy cards as if he was suffering some unimaginable fate that even I didn't know about.

I had started divorce paperwork and let him know. He PRETENDED to be in SHOCK. He didn't know where any of this was coming from. All of a sudden what he had no issue with all of a sudden he had an issue with. He let me know he all of a sudden had an issue with what I cooked (when it was NEVER an issue before and begged me to cook these certain foods). He had an issue with me asking him to love me. He told me I needed to settle with him not being able to do that anymore. I needed to be content, be happy, with NOTHING.

All the while he would call his mom and tell his sister stories of things he had done but would say I was doing these things so he wouldn't have his family mad at him. Near the end, before the divorce was finalized he said he wanted me to stop the process. He was willing to try. Everything was put on hold. Months later, he reverted back to his old habits. He stopped cheating but began to send friend requests to women online who dressed risque as cosplayers. He made up some excuse as to why it was okay for him to do that. He then sent a friend request to a woman who not only was a cosplayer but a Dominatrix. She posted almost topless pics of herself to have been drool over her. He was one of them. When I told him that his comments insinuating sexual innuendos weren't needed. He told me he could do it and I need to stop looking at who he was talking to. His comments were on social media for the world to see. His friends said nothing. His family said nothing. It's like they all pretended to see everything blindly.

A few friends I had would send me money here and there secretly to treat myself. They said nothing to him because they wanted to keep the peace. People noticed I wasn't the same perky, funny, talkative person I once was. I felt like I was drowning and had been drowning for years and no one seemed to care. Those few that stuck around to care would send me things here and there to just put a smile on my face.

Our relationship was like a dance that had no real rhythm or rhyme. It was always off-key. But someone, I always tried to make it work for him. I did everything for him... and at the end of the day, nothing was truly done for me.

The dance became too erratic even for me to want to be apart of. I gave my all and everyone knows it. I stayed in the darkness and watched those walk around in the light. I feel the only truth is where I am. I have learned to trust no one. I have learned that men love to break hearts and string you along.

Out of my experiences with loneliness and longing to know what TRUE LOVE is I still search for it. Cautiously. I see others find their soul mate while I have stood here and lost my soul trying to please someone who is ungrateful for what he has had over the years. The person who has remained by his side and even stood there when I was being attacked by others because of him. I wanted to be a united front and the joke was on me. There was no uniting of anything in the end.

He wore a mask for others to see when they were around. When others came around he became so attentive as to my needs and catered to me. Friends would say "what a great guy he is..." even though they knew the truth. He smiled and loved being told how wonderful he was. When his family would come over (depending on which family members) he would make it seem like he was this wonderful man who would do anything for his family. As if he was totally devoted and in tune with his family's needs. I stopped him from doing everything around his family for HIS FAMILY... I made comments in front of him that I thought it was funny that he was showing out in front of them but doesn't do that ANY of this when no one is around.

I wanted to chain him up in my head and bring back the person I once knew. The person who seemed to care and move me in ways I hadn't before. Where that person went, I'll never know. Between his affairs and his manipulation of his family, I missed out through the years.

So the more I felt deep down from within, I began to write a new story. A fiction/nonfiction story. Some scenarios left true in the book. It's almost complete. That's what helped me through my years writing my books of poetry, becoming a scriptwriter years ago, and being an avid writer.

I have found myself running in the darkness from one thing to another trying to fill the VOID that I can never seem to fill. While some say that you need to find yourself. Find what makes YOU happy. That's not always so easy.

I don't want to have to choose whether to stand in the darkness or in the light. I've been running what seems all my life to find TRUE LOVE which has always eluded me. Every relationship I've ever been in (only 3) has always ended the same. Being used. They always start out wonderfully, but their true intent comes out soon after I've become trusting.

I still find myself looking out the window and imagining someone out there looking back at me. Trying to escape to a place in my mind where I can envision a story. A relationship that was meant for me. Someone who loves me deeply. That is happy to see. Wants me. There is a 100/100 in the relationship, not 100/0.

Have you ever thirsted for something that you have never had but you knew if you could just taste IT you would know it?

I ache for what I used to have, but sadly have forgotten what those memories actually felt like. I have missed a simple kiss and the gentle stroke of a hand across my face and all I have is my own hand to replicate the touch on my cheek, my fingertips to trail across my lips while my eyes are closed. Wanting. Dreaming. Waiting. Breathing in the existence of memories that seem to never be found. Every inch of love evades me. It teeters across my lips teasingly as if to seduce me. It makes the hairs on my body stand on end. It tries to make my body sway to something I know that is out of reach. It's just a tease. It's a simple taunt.

I've learned to walk that fine line in the darkness as I see someone standing in the light. I've cried oceans and shed dreams for someone to notice me. To get to someone other than you. To be seduced in distraction and lies is a role I only know well. Satisfaction will never be guaranteed.

I replay over and over false promises of getting married once again and it never happening. He promised me, children. He promised me, love. I was never one for material things. I wanted something that was more priceless. Something more precious than gold or diamonds. Something that was endless. United. I wanted LOVE. True love at that. I wanted happiness. I wanted honesty. I wanted respect. I wanted to be admired from time to time or given a little praise.

All I ended up with was someone that always seems to be so tired to entertain the thought that all flowers need to be watered and set in the sun. You used to be Sun. Everything in my life revolved around you. I bent over backward and still, it ended up not being enough.

So now I create work. I create an existence of what should have been. I create a masterpiece of love from someone else in my head. I create a place for me. I imagine someone who loves to want me. Who adores me. Who wants to woo me and consume me. Help to quench that thirst that I thought I would have.

All the while, the few friends that stand there in the light while I still have hidden in my comfort zone in the darkness send me money here and there to support me and do something I want to do to put a smile on my face.

When I have stood in the light, the world just seems to go by fast while I stand still, and when I hear a heartbeat I've never heard before I run to it. I never find it. The world just keeps spinning and I stand there looking for that ONE that I seem to never find. Don't think I don't hear the rhythmic heartbeat, because I do. I just haven't been able to find you. As for my heart, I've given it up and put it on a shelf. I'm afraid to have it. For it keeps getting shattered and harder to piece back together.

I've always taken care of someone else and placed them above myself. Wanting them to feel special. Wanting them to feel loved. But apparently what I gave was never enough.

If I had someone come to my door with a magic lamp and I had 3 wishes, what would I wish for?

*TRUE LOVE *$40,000 to splurge on me (clothes, car, makeover) *A long loving happy relationship

"Whoever said marriage is hard, should have described what that truly meant."