Using the Art of Meditation to Improve Your Romantic Relationship

I’ll never forget the breakup from my first love. It was crushing. I didn’t think it possible for anyone to ever love me again. We were together for 10 years and he simply moved on.

That period of time was a blur. Pretty much the only memory of the breakup was my best friend bringing a potted tree to my apartment. It was an offering to take me out that night, knowing I wouldn’t be able to say no after being given a tree.

I wish at that time I had the knowledge of meditation. Even though this ancient form of emotional healing has been around for over 1000 years, it wasn’t popularly practised where I lived.

These days meditation is often used to improve wellbeing and the relationship we have with ourselves. It helps us with self-love, compassion, forgiveness and unconditional love. Why not practice meditation to improve our romantic relationships as well?

Meditation has been used for centuries to heal psychological wounds dating back to the 7th century. Although it’s difficult to know for sure who was the founder of meditation, one theory is a Japanese monk named Dosho discovered it in China and brought it back to Japan.

It’s a powerful tool used to balance emotions.

Practicing this art form teaches us to respond to a situation rather than react. And oftentimes in a relationship, this can be a useful tool.

One of the greatest problems in relationships can be jealousy. This toxic emotion can plague even the strongest relationship. Such unresolved issues can sneak into a relationship potentially causing irreparable problems.

Meditation can be used to battle that green-eyed monster known as jealousy.

Imagine a time when you felt so angry, or upset over a disagreement with your partner that you felt ill. This is where meditation can help.

Fast forward to another breakup with my ex-husband, the anxiety and dread I felt were relentless. I couldn’t function.

One day I experienced the worst anxiety and decided to try meditation for the first time.

Within minutes, those physical symptoms caused by my anxiety faded. The stomach pain and those feelings of dread faded away with each visual and each breath. I became a true believer from that day forward.

Although meditation may not be for everyone, it can help you through relationship problems so you can focus more clearly and critically.

Noteworthy meditation techniques for stronger relationships

Tonglen

This form of meditation is practiced with the goal of acknowledging our own personal difficulties. It also teaches self-compassion and helps one develop a passion for others, specifically for a romantic partner. Tonglen helps transform relationships by teaching how to work on generosity for others and how to work on a healthy non-clingy and confident relationship.

To practice tonglen for a stronger unconditional love:

• Find your meditation posture.
• Focus on your breathing for approximately two minutes.
• Think of your romantic partner (or any loved one).
• Think of something that may conflict with your love for them.
• Consider the conflict, is it logical? Is it simply something minor?
• Visualize them and how much they love you, imagine a soothing warmth within you in place of the pain, allow the warmth to take over.
• Imagine this warmth as contentment and peace.
• Stay in this healing warmth until the pain has subsided.
• Imagine your love for this person and think about how minor the condition that is holding you back really is.
• Focus on breathing and warmth within you.
• Feel the love and unconditional acceptance of them.

Unconditional love is what most couples strive for. Sure, there are many factors that go into reaching that level such as trust, compassion, understanding and communication, however, tonglen meditation is an added tool.

Tonglen is also used for learning forgiveness. It helps keep the ego in check and to minimize hurt feelings.

Tonglen for forgiveness

• Light a candle with a display of flowers and fruit as a peace offering to your partner.
• Find your meditation posture.
• Focus on your breathing for approximately two minutes.
• Think about your partner and what they had done to upset you.
• Acknowledge your emotions as you think of this action and your partner.
• It’s important to feel these emotions before you can let them go.
• Focus on your partner once again as a whole person, and not just the action.
• Consider what happened and how they hurt you, realize and tell yourself that they did not mean harm.
• Focus on their good qualities, and allow the warmth to take over the pain.
• As the warmth is soothing the anger or pain, tell yourself that you forgive them, repeat this step until you feel ready to let go of the anger.
• Open your heart and allow the soothing warmth to flow through your body with each inhale and exhale.
• Breathe in the good positive energy and exhale the negative.
• If you are able to forgive then send positive thoughts their way.
• If you are still unable to forgive, place those negative feelings into an imaginary vault, and still send positive thoughts their way.
• Breathe as you imagine the vault while holding onto the soothing warm feeling.
• Lock the vault and put it away until you’re ready to try again.
• Keep the pain in that vault.
• Think of your loved one and try again the next day if possible.

The Heart Chakra

As the name suggests, this meditative practise helps to open the heart to healing and love.

This would be beneficial for long-term relationships if we get to that point when we wonder if there’s too much negativity, and less positivity left in the relationship. This mantra could help bring back the part of the relationship that originally drew us to that person.

The heart chakra will help you feel love, and to remember love as it once was:

• The heart chakra is considered your love centre, it opens your heart and releases sadness.
• Sit in a meditative position, shoulders back, spine straight.
• Place you’re right palm over the centre of your chest and your left palm over it, place both thumbs on either side of the sternum.
• Feel your heartbeat and focus on it.
• Visualize emerald green energy flowing through your body.
• Place your palms outward, with arms stretched out.
• Send the good energy out and then bring it back in with love and positivity from the earth and universe.

Affection Meditation

One of my personal favorites, it’s like a comforting hug

• Find a comfortable meditative position.
• Focus on your breathing for a few minutes.
• Breathe deeply while bringing in receptivity and openness to love.
• Repeat breathing deeply bringing in receptivity.
• Exhale inhibitions or fear of rejection.
• Focus on your partner, or a loved one.
• Focus on embracing them.
• Keep breathing and hold the warmth from the embrace.

Presently I am in the strongest relationship I have ever known. Through meditation, I feel more able to trust. It has provided me with my own self-confidence which was sorely lacking. This self-confidence in turn has improved my capability of accepting and receiving love.

Meditation has taught me that forgiveness is actually a thing. The very word ‘forgiveness’ is meant to be used. The chakras listed above helped me to look at the person I love as a whole person, and not just the action.

Complexity exists in all relationships. Using meditation can help eliminate some of that negative energy and bring in positivity, light and love.

Why not focus on all those good things that made you fall in love with your partner? A lot of time we struggle with our own issues and pass them onto the person closest to us. Meditation can help keep your relationship balanced.

Presently, I still suffer from anxiety. Although it isn’t every day, it can be debilitating. Meditation is now a large part of my life, it’s not only a form of self-love and self-appreciation, but it has also helped me to appreciate my relationships as well.

After all our relationships are worth holding onto, and definitely worth meditating for. Perhaps even try meditation with your loved one!

Find more of my work at Medium.com and The Casual Bohemian!