Upon Losing Friends and Gaining Perspective

Life is like this train. This express train with no agenda that just stops and starts again with no explanation. That’s just it. That’s life. And there are lots of passengers on this train, passengers who know which stop they want to get off at, and passengers who are just there to let it all happen.

I’m really starting to believe that things happen for a reason. Not necessarily always; because I have seen so many bad things happen to good people. But I do feel like there is an element of karma hanging about all of us. It’s just a bit of a surprise as to when it’s going to present itself. And I definitely don’t think we are always driving our own trains. They don’t have drivers, they are just driver-less speed demons that seem to zip through life way too fast.

Basically what I’m getting at is that crap happens, passengers get off the train, and your world turns upside down when you aren’t expecting it. Because who ever thinks that one day you might lose a train travelling partner? And what if that train travelling friend chose to get off at one stop? And leave you behind, asking you not to follow? I guess the thing to remember is that collapses aren’t permanent. They hurt, and they are messy, but they can be fixed. Not to the way it may have been before the collapse, but remodelled. And I think that if you can work out how to see this change in a positive light, if you can learn from it and grow, and reflect on why it was just another stop on the train tracks, then that’s the best outcome you can get. And I think that’s pretty cool.

Okay so if you’re still with me, I’m going to tell you a story about how my heart was broken. By a girl that was my best friend. Because I think it’s something that isn’t always talked about so often. It’s usually boyfriends and girlfriends but best friends are different. They just are.

When you have known someone for the same amount of time as you have been on the Earth, things are comfortable. You understand each other, you have grown up together, experienced the start of life together. Made it through those shitty pre-teen and teen years, through high school and starting university. Maybe you’ve made it through family tragedies together, side-by-side, support unwavering. I know we had. When I got the news from the police about my father’s accident, she was the one that I called straight away whilst waiting for my mother to arrive home, tear studded breaths shooting down the receiver. So we trusted each other, we were there for each other, you know, the real girly best friend stuff. But something changed. Something in the friendship or sisterhood or whatever we were wasn’t quite right for her. After 21 years, it became apparent that we would part ways. The worst part is that there was no explanation; it just happened. We had plans for the next day, we were organising what we would do, the next day arrived, and she canceled. Okay, yeah, that’s cool, whatever. I was there for her. I let her know if she needed anything to let me know and we would hang out soon. Yep? Sounds normal, yes?

A week went by without hearing from her... Two weeks… no replies. I tried to contact her but nothing. By now I was thinking that something was up. I didn’t realise how much it hurt until I opened my Facebook page and saw that we were no longer "friends." Like how lame is that? To this day we still haven’t had a proper conversation about this. And that was six months ago. I don’t know if I will ever know what really changed, but over time, I have come to accept that. I mean shit, it hurt, but it’s taught me some stuff. Like how to deal with this by myself. It’s made me grow up for sure. I’m terrified, yes, because what if I never have another friend as close as that? What did I do wrong? What was so horribly bad about me that caused this whole thing to end? I thought we were going to be in rocking chairs at 90-years-old, honestly. The most important thing I realised is that I don’t regret one tiny bit of that friendship. 21 years of being each other’s support, partner in crime and all that. Those 21 years brought me to where I am today, and I brought her to where she is today. And to be honest, we are both doing pretty well with our lives. I just graduated from university and she has just started her Masters. So yeah, whether she likes it or not, I know I probably wouldn’t have gotten to where I am today without her, and likewise for her. And if that’s the end of it all, then that’s okay. I’m never going to get rid of the cherished memories we have together, and the photographs of us as young girls. Nope. They are an important part of my being and always will be. I have stopped reflecting on the whole situation with discontent. I am just going to let it be what it is. And the thing is, I’m okay now. And I really, really hope that she is too.