I hated shopping during the holiday season. I tried to avoid the hustle and bustle of people looking for the perfect dinner ideas. I especially hated this holiday season because I would be spending it alone. Looking at all the happy couples flooded my soul with a cocktail of emotions.
"Silver Bells" played in the background as I shopped in the grocery store. I was still healing from the wounds that AJ produced two months prior. I felt weighed down, and I couldn't shake the heaviness. With that heaviness, I trudged through the madness in the grocery store.
I began a pep talk in my mind. I said to myself, "Bitch, you are beautiful. You are loved. You are worthy of love. You are not AJ's trash."
That didn't even work. I stopped in the wine aisle and I saw a familiar face. There was no mistaking that I knew this person. It was if I had seen Satan himself. I quickly turned my head making sure my bob covered my face so that AJ could not see me. His muscular brown frame spurred hatred and anger that I did not want to escape in Safeway.
I saw that he was with another young lady. I had seen her at the club whenever I performed. Her name was Darshay. She was a part of one of the transgender organizations. She had nice long silky hair. Darshay wasn't too skinny, but just right. She was very passable according to societal standards. She was dressed as if she had just left a yoga class.
I quickly turned out of the aisle so they would not catch me looking at them in a lovers' embrace. My heart burned with hellfire. I began to question my own beauty.
I hadn't had any surgeries yet. I had only been on hormone replacement therapy for one year. I had been experimenting with hairstyles that made me look less masculine. I suddenly felt ugly.
I couldn't believe that AJ could not be an honest person and just state that I wasn't passable enough for him. I hurried to the nearest self check out and walked to my car in the cool December breeze.
I drove home, listening to Phyllis Hyman belt her sadness. I cried all the way to my house. AJ really just left me for another woman. I guess I had to get used to living all alone for the holidays.
Before I could pull in my driveway my phone rang. I quickly straightened out my emotions.
"Hey Diva," Denzel cheerfully greeted.
"Hey, Denzel. What's up?"
"Nothing, just checking on you girl."
"I'm well. No need to complain. Guess who I saw at the store just now."
I was about to spill out all the tea.
"Who, girl," Denzel quizzed.
"AJ and Darshay all up in each other's face. That's who I saw."
Denzel gasped with surprise.
"Girl! You are lying," he responded.
"I lie to you not. She and AJ were in the wine section acting like two turtle doves."
"Did they see you?"
"Hell no! I made myself scarce and hauled my brown booty out of the store."
Denzel screamed, "He has some nerve to say he couldn't be with a transwoman, but he's with Darshay."
"It boils down to her being more passable than me. I guess he's one of those 'must pass' types," I quipped in disgust.
Through all the game AJ spat for several months, I realized that I was just out of convenience.
"You know what, Denzel?"
"That is not my problem. That's his issue. I am beautiful and I deserve love like anybody else. No need in letting poop ruin my holiday season."
"Dang skippy. Girl, you need to come out to Jojo's and sing. Darshay is going to be hosting it."
"Denzel, are you suggesting some pettiness?"
I could hear mischief in his voice.
"Whatever do you mean, Lady Topaz?"
"Let me put my groceries up and refresh myself. There is no doubt that AJ will be there. Won't be a fight. Plus this will give me a chance to debut my newest single that AJ helped me write."
"Say what? When did he help you write a song?"
"The day he left me via text message."