Two separate lives lost...

Why did it happen again? But my hero of all people. He tells me things and does the opposite. I hate feeling like this I just want my boo. Why doesn't he want me? Lord, I want him please bring him back to me or make me strong enough to forget and still live. I want him I want to be with him, I don't understand I can't handle it give me the strength to not call or worry or continue my wishful thinking. God help me move on if we are supposed to be let him call me and say those things that will heal my heart let him be the one.

How do I start over? I ask myself over and over again throughout the day. It's an emotional roller coaster. I feel quad polar. One minute mad, one sad one happy as all get out. Maybe it's an age thing or maybe it's because I have lost my mind and life twice this year. I'm older set in my ways and stubborn,

WHY NOW DO YOU HAVE TO BE THIS WAY? WHEN I NEED U THE MOST AND MY WORLD IS CRUMBLING AND EVERYTHING IS STACKING SO HIGH ON TOP OF ME I CAN'T BREATHE. I NEED YOU NOW MORE THAN EVER, EVEN THOUGH A BIG PART OF THIS IS BECAUSE OF YOU. I'M SO SCARED AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN. THERE'S SO MANY DEADLINES APPROACHING. I WANT TO SCREAM OR AT LEAST HAVE SOME PRIVACY. OR JUST SOME TIME TO HOLD YOU OR WATCH YOU SLEEP. I MISS YOU SO MUCH AND JUST WANT MY FRIEND TO KNOW THAT I'm GENUINELY SORRY FOR EVER HURTING HIM. I APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT I DID TO MAKE HIM HATE ME SO MUCH. IT DESTROYED ME WHEN U ABANDONED ME AND THEN YOUR RESPONSE WHEN I ASK WHY IS WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH YOU. YOU FORCED ME TO BE HOMELESS, TO BE A BUM, HAD TO LEAVE EVERYTHING I HAD LEFT BEHIND, AND THEN STILL TO LOVE YOU SO UNCONDITIONALLY WITHOUT SKIPPING A BEAT. THAT IS SOMETHING I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND. I THOUGHT WE UNDERSTOOD EACH OTHER. THE TORTURE DIDN'T STOP THERE. WHEN I TRIED TO REACH YOU, YOU CONTINUED TO COME FOR ME WITH ANGER AND RAGE. NOW THAT RIGHT THERE TORE MY SOUL. THESE THINGS ARE SO DISRESPECTFUL AND COLD THAT THEY ARE UNFORGIVABLE. DEEP DOWN I KNOW THE MAN I GREW TO BE SO FOND OF IS STILL THERE. I JUST HOPE IT'S NOT TOO LATE BEFORE HE RESURFACES. BUT AS FOR NOW, I HAVE TO GUARD MY HEART AND PROTECT IT. IT'S TIME. I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW. MY HEART HURTS WITH EVERY BREATH I TAKE, EVERY THOUGHT, AND EVERY MOMENT I'm AWAY FROM YOU. I TRY SO HARD TO FIGHT THAT YEARNING I HAVE TO HEAR YOUR VOICE AND YOU TO TELL ME YOU LOVE ME ONE MORE TIME. I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS WITHOUT YOU BUT I HAVE NO CHOICE. I JUST WISH MY FRIEND WAS STILL THERE. I STILL WANT THE BEST FOR HIM. NO MATTER WHAT HE BELIEVES. I WOULD STILL RIDE FOR HIM. I GUESS HE WILL NEVER REALLY KNOW JUST HOW MUCH I ADORE HIM.