Turns out I sucked at it, and now I'm getting divorced at the age of 27. Which kind of feels embarrassing to say, even though I knew the marriage was doomed from the beginning.. So why am I shocked now?
I thought I wanted to be a trophy wife.. to be a pretty thing on his arm, to not have to work, to be taken care of.. I thought that was the ticket to a happily ever after. For some that would have been the case, it happened to land me in the psych ward.
We had just moved to a new state, bought a nice house, had a great yard for our dog, beautiful views from the back deck.. then BAM! I was thinking about jumping in front of cars...I was looking in the medicine cabinet wondering what and how much would it take for me to not wake up... I wanted to rip off my skin and disappear from the Earth. I checked myself into the psych ward, hoping to get some medicine to make these feelings go away. "Why am I feeling like this? Shouldn't I be happy? I made it....I have a beautiful home, a handsome husband, a dog, we're gonna start a family soon.. I don't have to work if I don't want too.. isn't this what I wanted?"
Try explaining depression....where your soul aches with sadness, when you feel that this life is pointless and you're being made to play this game against your will.......how you don't want to kill yourself but at the same time you can't keep existing like this.
After a few weeks on meds I was feeling pretty good, back to normal.. normal being numb. Numbing very intense emotions that were actually screaming at me that something was truly wrong. Turns out, I hated my life. Actually LOATHED it, I hated owning a house, I hated the 9-5 routine, I hated thinking about starting a family, I just could not believe I had let my life get this far away from my ACTUAL dreams. Not the ones that would keep me safe... the dreams that took my breath away: the risk taking, poor living, experience building, memory making life that I actually wanted!!
I told my husband and he just looked at me with tears in his eyes and said " I have always known you are a free spirit, I don't know why I thought that would change.."
This is the scariest thing I have ever done....doing life by myself. It is the most exciting and terrifying thing at the same time.... I just know I have to be doing something right because I am uncomfortable all the time lol.
So cheers, to not knowing what the hell I'm doing but I have to go out in the world and figure it out.
Stay radical my doodes.