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Treasure or Terror?

by Mary Driver about a year ago in humor
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Either way, I love this lamp(y)


Hi, my name is Mary, and I am a thrift-shop-aholic.

This was not supposed to happen today. This lamp was not supposed to be sitting in my room, but it is. These little creepy lamp kids were not supposed to be staring at me, but they are. Am I mad about it? Not at all. Will I regret it if they stab me with their whittled little arms in the middle of the night? Most likely, yes, but that's ok!

Without further ado, let me bring you on the journey of why I purchased the lamp that makes these lovely little lullaby screams...

My Mother and I go to our local thrift store pretty much every day because I consider it "going out" for me now that I am in my mid-thirties. I also moved 300 miles away from my hometown to live with my Mother after I got laid off due to COVID, which was heartbreaking. Shortly after the layoff, I found that I could no longer afford my ridiculously priced studio apartment, so I now just spend a ridiculous amount of money on thrift shop junk instead, **sigh**

There was, in fact, a legitimate reason that I needed to go to the thrift shop today, though. I wanted to return a cute little sun dress that I purchased the day before, but unfortunately, it turned out to have a huge hole in it. The dress was worth a whopping $1.99, so the cashier told me that I could just exchange the dress for something that was marked the same price. I gladly accepted her offer and went on my "Mary" little way through the dusty aisles.

Not even 2-minutes later, Lampy appeared. It was a treasure that I never knew I wanted, (or needed). Lampy - as I like to call it - was not just any old lamp, this thing looked like it was - excuse my generalizations here - made in Germany 50+ years ago in a little shop owned by Klaus Von Hausel and the Hausel Brothers, (a completely made-up name for comedic effect). This lamp looked like it also could have been on every Grandmother and Grandfather's end table next to a stack of old National Geographic's from 2001. Furthermore, this lamp looked like it could have starred in the sequel to the horror movie, "Annabelle". See, I consider myself very eclectic and random when it comes to decorating and style, so I love this kind of stuff. Lampy was my perfect, useless find!

Now I bet you're asking yourself, "what did she do next?" Well...

I picked the lamp up and ran over to my Mother, of course! I could tell it was old, and I was doubtful it would still work when plugged in. I was also disappointed that it was marked at $3.99, because my cheap a** wasn't going to pull out my debit card to charge the $2.00 difference. My Mother looked at me and immediately said, "what the hell, Mary". I looked at her and said my usual line of, "this is everything to me", in an extremely high pitched, valley girl wanna be, dramatic way. It was obvious I said it too loud because the cashier walked up to me shortly after and said that I could have it for the trade offer of $1.99. I responded with, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! THANK YOU"! You would have guessed she saved my first-born son from a fire just by the reaction that I gave her. I thought to myself that this was starting to be a good day, but in an instant, it switched to the thought of, "why would she do that for me"?

Overthinking kicked in at full speed as I started saying to myself:

Was there something wrong with the lamp? Was there some bad vibe to it? Bad Juju? Why so quick to give it away, lady? I mean, it worked after I plugged it in. The music played just fine. The little "Annabelle" freak rocked in her rocker like a pro. The lamp was bright. IT EVEN MADE ME FEEL BRIGHT! I quickly shook my head, cleansed away the overthinking with a deep breath, snapped out of it, and decided that if anything happened to me while I was sleeping, it was just meant to be, right? I said my final goodbye to the nice, (but suspect), cashier lady, and walked out.

Fast forward. Now I am sitting here writing this, hoping that my share of this thrift store lamp experience empowers and inspires you to go out and find a treasure of your own! I even hope you decide to call up an old friend or relative and ask them to you join you for some shopping. Finally, I hope that you can see th...hel...hello? What was that?

**lullaby music start playing**

"Who's there? Mom, is that you?

**sound of little wooden feet running**

"This isn't funny! Stop playing! Show your...NO! AHHHHHHH"

**loud crash, then silence**


Moral of the story: I should have paid the extra $2.00 dollars!

The End

Thanks to our special guests:

Lampy Kid 1

Lampy Kid 2

Lampy Kat

Written by: Mary Driver - April 13th, 2021


About the author

Mary Driver

Passionate, empathetic, quirky. I write and sing music inspired by surviving addiction. I love Bob Seger & Tupac. I appreciate authenticity & kindness. I am intense. My Dad died from Alzheimer's, and it changed my heart.

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