Toxic Relationships

Mental abuse is much more painful than physical abuse because you are consumed by your own thoughts.

Author Unknown

It’s no lie that I am easily addicted to things which are not good for me. There are many things I have learned as I grow older:

1. Teenager + Wise Soul = Not Invincible or Mature (Saving that story for another time).
2. It’s easy to jump in and be angry (when you really should just walk away to calm down).
3. What in the 80’s was called temperamental is now considered “anxiety” (I get it, society needs to label everything).
4. Some people have a bunch of friends, some have a close group, and some have those friendships that should have been only a chapter, not a dedicated story.

I’m addicted to a lot of things, but toxic relationships are at the top of the list. My husband always questions my “eclectic” friendships. The ones he doesn’t understand and why I value them so much. My friendships (the true ones) are like putting a 50/50 ticket in an auction basket. We know the prizes are well worth it if we win. Kind of like my true friendships; which can be viewed as toxic. I have gambled many times; sometimes won, sometimes lost. The relationships which remain in my life (even today), are often challenged by distance, each of our rhythms of life, and why I still guard them with my life. An outsider may look these friendships and agree to cut the line. It's the toxic ones which built me and made me stronger.

My true friendships I will always fight for. Even if our bridge is set on fire and the only way to save myself is to jump away from the structure; I will stand my ground and go down in flames. You see, I remain protected and united; even when the other side may have lost the same faith as myself.

With every story, there needs to be a beginning of why some people attract toxic behaviors and why some people are able to walk away once they realize they are apart of them.

Whether you classify the relationship as toxic or frenemies, these types of relationships are more constant then we know. If you research (and I did a lot of research), there are many articles on how to identify you are in a toxic relationship; how to leave a toxic relationship; how to move on from a toxic relationship.

There are no articles on how one chooses to accept and move forward remaining in that relationship. It’s crazy how many articles there are in the world regarding how to “wake up” and get out of these situations; but there is nothing with the understanding of growing through the one-sided nature of some of these relationships.

I will fully admit, I’ve been in both: the toxic individual in some of my past friendships; but I have also been the one used by others. In the past 30+ years, we have developed into a society of labialization of everything (our feelings, our distractions, our dreams, etc.). Prior to the understanding and acceptance of empaths, people were considered witches/sadist/over-sensitive. In today’s world, we are completely aware of everything. Often, toxic relationships are compromised of empath’s and narcissist (the good vs. the bad).

But let this sink in…not all toxic individuals are bad. They are just bad for specific temperaments in agreeing people. Do not get me wrong, yes, there are toxic people who are bad. Yes, there are some victims which allow this behavior to go on. What I am trying to say is that walking away is not always the right answer.

My Story

I’m very secluded, but lately, have also become a very open person. I know, very contradicting. How can one be outgoing yet secluded? I learned from a very young age, friendships and relationships come and go. For those who have decades upon decades with the same inner circle, I commend you. That’s amazing…it truly is. The friendships I have been involved in didn’t with hold the same staying ground. I had close friendships growing up, but I bounced from group to group because I never quite fit in. Either I was the third wheel in the group, or I was the last one picked to stay within the group. In my eyes, I’ve always been a supporting act instead of one of the main characters.

So, how does one find strong enough relationships? How do you find the right people to not let you down? How can you not put your eggs in the wrong basket? The answer is you can’t. Truth is, everyone lets you down. I’ve had many best friends, but I rarely had true friends.

I’m a magnet for toxic relationships. My all-time favorite Disney movie is “Lady and the Tramp.” The one thing great about Disney and their movies, they always have a core value. It’s whether you understand them or not is where we are all challenged.

Need an example? Are you calling my bluff?

“Fox and the Hound” taught the value of true friendship in a diverse world. "Snow White" taught the value of not trusting strangers. "Beauty and the Beast" taught never judge those who look different from us. "Dumbo" taught beauty in differences. "Pinocchio" taught a lie will always get you in trouble. "Fantasia" taught it's fun to drink the Kool-Aid!

“Lady and the Tramp” provided me the insight which dictated how I approached each relationship and friendship. The Tramp was toxic for Lady; but Lady seen the greater good in the Tramp. I can’t help but to see others' values; even when the other person can barely see that same value.

Now, this is where I can contradict myself. There have been times where I have had low faith in some of those friendships I have met in my lifetime. But understand, those diamonds in the rough who are not good for me, I will always cling to. It's scary coming to the realization every strong connection I have made has inevitable been toxic for me at one point.

My sisters know me best; they know when my Aura changes. Tim gets it too; when I just shutdown. I've only had one other person who could read me that fast and brought me to the light. We were both toxic for each other, but that friendship and relationship will be forever be guarded and protected by myself. Because I was taught understanding; differences and how to grow.

You've already gone down this rabbit hole, might as well see how this one ends, right?

Maintaining vs. Walking Away

It's always going to be easy (or hard) to walk away.

**DISCLAIMER** If your life (or mentality) is ever in challenge...please walk away! This article is not for you. You've met one of the darkest souls which will lead to your destruction. Please ask for help whether it's on an anonymous forum or even a confidential colleague.

This article is for those of like minds where the toxicity of the relationship is survivable and a growing lesson for both. I give you the 5 steps to survive and maintain the relationship/friendship.

Step 1: Be aware and be able to share. (I'm now having nightmares of the 'I feel' conversations from interventions.) All jokes aside, be prepared to stand up for yourself and let the other person know. Unspoken words do more damage then leaving them left in the wind. **WARNING** Be prepared for retaliation, misunderstanding and redirection...it's hard being told you are of toxic nature.

Step 2: Begin to compromise. You only change if you can change together.

Step 3: Learn to be able to agree to disagree. We are lucky to have our own thoughts, minds and actions. Understand, you need to both be held accountable for disagreements; but that doesn't mean you can't work past it.

Step 4: You can take a break; everyone needs space. Female best friends are often in need of breaks (damn competition). One of my closest best friends and I had a falling out a couple years ago. She felt threatened in our friendship, distrusted me and lashed out against my own insecurities. I stepped back, took a break from her until she owned her issues. We are stronger today because of it. She often asks why I forgave her. I told her it was simple: I stepped back, formulated the situation and realized; her friendship, in our differences, was irreplaceable to me.

Which inevitably leads to...

Step 5: Accept that all faults can always come to head. No one can walk through life without understanding we all have our own demons. No matter how one-sided a friendship can become, learn to steer it back to a dual friendship. That's the challenge you face by staying. It's challenging and rewarding.

Never regret a relationship if it's termed 'toxic'. Never stop a friendship, which in the end, can save a life. Be prepared when you are challenged on why you didn't walk away; why would one put so much value into a friendship which is destructive. In all honesty, those friendships will show you both life and how to live. It's okay to be guarded, especially if you get burned. But remember, the friendships you allowed to survive will allow you to grow and heal.

Moral

Everyone needs a moral to the story and I apologize for this confusing message. What I want to convey is the lessons which I learned; even though I'm fully aware I have some 'questionable' and damaging friendships, I'm not going to cut them off and use that as an excuse to walk away. Each toxic relationship has built me; each toxic relationship has made me stronger (sometimes harder); each toxic relationship has challenged me. It's within those toxic relationships I have learned to be a little more open about myself and not just a temporary character. Not each friendship gets my full self, but they get the closest finished product.

In this light, the main point of this article is knowing that it is okay to chose to selvage and remain, with the understanding to stand up for yourself when your being mistreated. I will always chose the friendships and relationships I see value in. I may not always agree with the way I am treated; but I do understand my strength to overcome any disconnects because I am not afraid to speak up.

"Don't ever overlook the Woman with a guarded Heart. Once she lets you in, you'll feel a lover that's more intense than taking a nap on the sun. She is that powerful."

S. McNutt