To the One Who Loved Me First

I love you too… I did not tell you how much you actually meant to me, not verbally anyways as I wish I would have done. It was absolutely terrifying to feel so close to another, especially knowing that everyday we grew together made me feel unwilling to grow without you. In the moment, the possibility of you moving away became evident, the pain of the fact that I had never imagined losing you did too. Suddenly, every moment became another reason I couldn't imagine life any different than with you in it. Little by little, I found myself enthralled by your laughter, curious about your positivity, and absolutely fascinated with the fact that someone so beautiful looked at me like I was, too. The outstanding part is the joy that I found within your smile; burned inside my memory like a picture that smile. You showed me what it felt like to be openly admired, you felt proud to acknowledge me publicly. You took my breath away, never asked for anything. You made a way for my heart to consider itself as worthy… in every way, I trusted you. I was so blown away by all the amazing ways you expressed your affection and love for me... I was not sure how I could express the gratitude that overflowed from my soul in a way that would capture, entirely, the fullness of joy I felt. So although time has gone, our lives have changed, the little I have to offer you is to let you know you saved my life. It was difficult to understand or express the parts of my life that I tried to conceal, the problems I faced everyday at home, Although I prayed it all would disappear, it became entirely present. I became the one in 10 that experience a rare but serious side effect; I was given medicine to help with the situation, I took it because I was truly trying to be well and stay together while my world painfully fell apart. The side effect was an experience I had no control over… I told you first, because over all of the assaulting, hateful thoughts and emotions that had me alone, ashamed, and suffering silently, I heard, felt, and trusted the one that said I am lovely. The most pain I ever felt was having to show you my shame, I didn't know who else to ask for help… I felt so much disappointment in myself, the moment I bared my arm, I saw how foolish I had been… I forgot how much I meant to someone…. You loved me. You said I was amazing. I trusted you; over any doubt, I believed you… But for a short while, I fell victim and considered maybe I was fooling myself. To this day, you inspired me to remember and to trust that I matter, I healed from that moment on and although I was broken by my actions and the effects they had on others, I never allowed myself to try to escape the madness… I somehow developed the ability to carry on in the midst of it. Over a decade later and I still keep the love you showed for me as a guiding light, showing the way to better loving others, and to better love myself.

Although this is way overdue…

I love you, too.

Thank you.

—Teresa Lee Landreth