To the one that left.

To whoever is reading this, I hope you either somehow relate, it applies to you or you feel something. Read it aloud if you can. This may just be the proof you needed that it does get better.

28/10/2019

You will never see this. you will never know how I truly did feel about you and I’ll make sure of that for as long as I live. Infatuated, it was like I could see my best qualities in you. I loved who I was around you. It was like even when the whole world didn’t understand me and couldn't interpret why I was the way I was, you did. The days I didn’t make sense at all, I felt like you somehow related. Even if you didn't know how to reply or what to say, I still ran to you. Because you were always here to simplify every problem I had. My overwhelming and overthinking almost disappeared when I spoke to you. In the least cliche way possible, everything around us just stopped, because in those moments we were just us, instead of you and me.

I loved you. You had a key to every shut door I had. And even on the days I couldn’t speak to anyone, I let you. After everything, I always found my way back to you. I made excuses for you because it didn’t feel right not to. Because losing you was never an option. Blind, I went against my morals for you without even realising. You never ever loved me the way that I loved you. I tried replacing you and moving on when I saw that you were bad for me. Forcefully trying to show myself that you made it all up. Almost like it was all a dream that will never be real life.

What scared me was that you knew what you were doing but you didn’t care enough. You evened out the disappointment you gave me with temporary pleasure. We literally grew up together. So, because you were treating me like this, I believed that that was what I deserved. Being given the bare minimum for so long I didn’t know how to act when someone showed me more affection than I could handle. It became foreign to me. I could no longer love anymore because I couldn't even fathom why someone would walk into my life and stay. I could no longer watch anything progress because I was taught that love didn’t exist the way I thought it did. I declared that one thing I could never do was lose myself, but what I didn’t realise was that I lost myself when I met you. I trusted that I didn’t need to be dependent on anyone because the void was filled. And I was so sure it was never going to leave.

Now I’m stranded because you were all I knew. Like I gave my all to you and you didn’t want it. I tried to move on, tried to meet someone new but when I did, I found myself comparing them to you. If they did make me happy or reminded me of myself it was because I saw you in them. And regardless, I knew deep down they wouldn't mean half what you meant to me.

I realised something wasn’t right when we kissed for the first time. There were no fireworks or sparks because the feeling wasn’t mutual. You never ever wanted me and I liked the idea of you. You did what you did out of satisfaction and I knew that. But because it was you, I convinced myself it was what I wanted too. Like because you weren't ready for love, neither was I. And so, this was the next best thing. Then we left, we left like nothing happened, and that was when I realised that this wasn’t what I wanted at all. I felt you become a stranger that very day. Truth is, I cared more about how you looked at me instead of how you kissed me. Because the way that you saw me meant much more to me than the grip you had on my waist. You taught me love and heartbreak. Like we were on a roller-coaster that I never wanted to get on but did anyways. And through it all, through all the ups and downs and every time I was petrified with what was to come, it was okay because you were right there next to me.

However, all good things do come to an end, and as much as the ride was exhilarating, I don’t know if I could do it again. I feel stupid, so so stupid and I hope for the sake of my sanity, I never see you again.

25/06/2020

Reading that back was shocking, the raw emotion of someone I used to know, and that someone just happens to be me. And to conclude, this is what I feel many months later.

I’m so happy you came into my life. Not because you were here to stay, but because the short time you were here taught me so much. We were passing souls. It was love! I can’t deny that reading what I wrote back no matter how I feel now. But it was only love for what I knew love to be like at the time.

My father was the blueprint of all the reasons why I didn't know what I wanted or needed. You came into my life showing me a little more than what my standards were. You felt like home. I didn't even like home, it was just all I was familiar with. I wanted someone who could joke around, be a little toxic, be more of a friend. Difference is, I love myself now. Now, I want everything I deserve.

Unconditional love, loyalty, respect. My soul yearns for what it once knew. Which just tells me my heart once knew those traits, I just haven't seen them in a person just yet.

I’m young, and so are you. I can’t blame you for not wanting us bad enough. I can’t blame you for giving up on us because if you didn’t I wouldn’t have found myself. Every lesson changed me and if it wasn't for those lonely nights full of despair and hopelessness I wouldn't have realised how badly I needed myself, before I needed anyone, let alone you.

In a way you shaped and reshaped my heart a thousand times over, what I didn't realise at the time was that it was still mine.

My life isn't even amazing right now, but finding serenity within myself shifted my mentality completely. Everything is now still. It just tells me you were a distraction. A distraction stopping me from doing the growing I needed to do. A beautiful distraction I must say. I learned that I lost nothing and I promise that you'll see me thrive in due time. Thank you for the years of friendship, and for making me see that I am worthy of a thousand times more.