To The Month of May

To my dear and sweet May.

I kind of feel like Vanessa Ives writing her best friend Mina on Penny Dreadful. Luckily the situation is much better than theirs. Lol.

But I just wanted to say I am sorry for being such a Taurus (and yes I'm putting it gently). I haven't been much of a friend to you these past few years and I don't really have an excuse for it.

You watched me go through something that broke my spirit for a while and changed me into this new different me. Actually you've watched me go through more than a couple of things that broke me piece by piece.

I remember the day you held me together as I shattered on the floor when they told me my baby was officially miscarried and my hormones were finally going down to normal. Thank Goodness you were there for me girl. And I do, I thank the universe and Whatever and whoever is listening to me daily for you being there that day.

I honestly wouldn't have made it through if you hadn't of been. Mom knows that too, and I know she thanks God that you were there for me too, that I wasn't alone. That you swooped in just in the nick of time when she couldn't - She was on the opposite side of the country, trying to keep things together during another family crisis.

You never once said anything though when I turned into this new person. One whose guarded, unkind, not understanding, defensive, skittish, mean, and distant. But you never once said an unkind word about this new ugly me. You tried to help, and I was toxic about it.

Compared to me, you are kind, tolerant, understanding, loving, patient, and dedicated. I'm literally a psycho when put next to you. Literally you're the only flaw is you really have when it comes to being a friend is you are a little bit needy. And that is not actually a flaw, it's a sign that you also are searching for validation. And I have not been a good friend.

But by a blessing, I still have you as a friend. You're literally still there. Again - you're a way better person than me.

And I am sorry for being awful, and pushing you away when you were just desperately trying to save me from myself, my anger, and my pain. I am ashamed of myself because I never imagined myself to be an abusive person.

At the end of the day, the abuse from others, and the trauma from that event did change me. And for a long time, it's not been for the better. But I think I have found a new direction. I just hope that it's not too late to redeem myself and be a good person again.

But you and I have the same problem. We allow outside forces to trigger our inner demons. And the combination sends us both in spiraling downward manias. Working on ourselves, loving ourselves, its the hardest thing to learn after you've been taught to hate yourself...

But my dear May, if you take one thing out of this letter I hope it is this: Don't let anyone, including yourself, ever make you feel like you are less than you are. I hope you open your eyes to see what a gift you are, and I'm gonna try to reach you more often.

I've been trying to do some self-healing and been doing some counseling, after waking up realizing that the problem actually is me for allowing others and the past keep me from being the best me, and the happiest me.

I hope it's not too late to rebuild this bridge. And even if it is, just know that I hold a lot of love for you - and you will always be the girl who held me together in that darkest moment.

Most humbly and with more love than you know,

Me.