To the love of my life...
You came into my life unexpectedly. I was not looking for you, I was not craving for you, to be honest, I was not ready for you.
I had nicely settled into my routine life after giving up dating. Bad experience after bad experience had put me in a dark place with love. Years of getting lied to, cheated on, used, criticized and abused verbally, emotionally, physically and sexually took its toll on me. Love was no longer a happy thing, being in a relationship was no longer enjoyable. Instead, it was hurtful, scary, and depressing.
After my last relationship ended, I decided that was it for dating. I had enough of the hurt, the abuse, the pain everyday of giving my all to someone who did nothing but bring me down, most of the time intentionally. I had no interest in setting myself up for heart break again. I decided it was time to love myself.
For two years I stayed single. Two years without a loving touch, a gentle kiss, a warm hug, an "I miss you," or an "I love you". And though sometimes I got lonely, I was better off alone than with someone who did nothing but bring me down. Sure I went on the odd supper date, but those ended terribly. I had completely forgotten how to date, how to love. And I was okay with that.
I was too busy building a life for myself to let it bother me. Too busy learning who I really was, and too busy loving who I was and living my life. I did all the things I enjoyed; simply reading a book or going for a hike. I had no one to stop me, no one to get angry at me, no one to demand all my time and attention. No one to call me names, no one to put me down, no one to use and abuse me. I was free, I had never been happier and healthier.
And then one day, you came into my life. A random message from a random person. And all it was was a simple "Hey."
Normally I would roll my eyes at a message like that and continue on. I wasn't interested in talking with randoms, getting asked out, going on dates. Normally I would never respond to messages like that. But yours, for some reason, intrigued me. I stared at it for quite a while, unsure if I should respond or not. Then, surprising myself, I did respond. And all it was was a simple "Hello."
You responded right away and asked what's up. And when I heard my phone go off, I got butterflies. I hadn't gotten butterflies in years, and a random person through message was giving them to me? I'm not going to lie, I was very intrigued by this.
We continued to talk, asking each other questions, getting to know each other. Days passed, and I found myself constantly checking my phone to see if you'd replied, and when you hadn't I felt a wave of sadness through my whole body. But you always did reply, and when I heard the ding from my phone, there were those damn butterflies again.
We talked for weeks, and as silly as it sounds, I felt like I was falling in love with you. I loved our conversations, I loved the sweet things you said. I loved how caring you were when I told you I had a bad day and you wanted to hear all about it and try and make me feel better. All of a sudden everything was about you. You consumed my mind, my thoughts. I often caught myself day dreaming about you. And it made me feel so happy.
Finally, after weeks of talking, you asked me on a date. My heart stopped beating. I was dreading the day you would do that, because I knew my answer would be no. But I didn't want to stop talking to you. The thought of meeting you was terrifying though. After years of not dating, I didn't know how to do it anymore. I didn't even remember what a kiss felt like; I didn't even know if I remembered how to kiss. There's no way I could go on a date with you. You wouldn't like me; I was awkward and quiet and uncomfortable. You would think I was weird, and would never talk to me again. I didn't want to ruin what we had, and the happiness you were already giving me.
So I came up with an excuse. And the next time you asked, I came up with another excuse. And the next time and the next.
Now a couple months had passed. And we still talked everyday, and you still gave me those butterflies. You called me beautiful and told me you couldn't wait for the day you got to meet me. But I knew that day wasn't going to happen, and then I started to feel bad. I was leading you on with no intention of it going anywhere passed texting. I was too scared for it to go anywhere. And I knew one day you would give up, lose interest, stop talking to me.
But you didn't do any of those things. You continued to text me all day everyday. You continued to ask me out, and continued to get an excuse. But you never gave up, you never got frustrated.
My feelings for you were getting overwhelming, and I thought "this is crazy". How could I be falling for someone over text? Someone who's voice I'd never heard, smile I'd never seen, hand I'd never held. Was I desperate for love and not realizing it? Was I actually that lonely and didn't know? I was confused. I was scared. But suddenly, the thought of you giving up and not talking to me anymore was the most scary thought of all. You had become my biggest routine, though I vowed to never let that happen again. But the thought of losing you was more terrifying than the thought of meeting you.
So I did it.
Finally, months after that first "Hey," I agreed to meet you. We both lived in the same area, 20 minutes from each other. And we both were in a city two hours away. And you had told me you were looking for a ride home. So after thinking long and hard about it, I told you I would give you a ride home. As soon as I sent that message, I felt like I was going to puke. What had I done? This was going to be the most uncomfortable two hours ever. What would we talk about? I began to plan out all the things I would say. I imagined our conversation. I had my answers ready for anything you could say or ask.
All day I was stressed about it. So many times I almost cancelled. I was so scared you wouldn't like me. I was so scared this was going to be the end. My mind and heart were a terrified mess.
But, hours later, I picked you up. I parked the car, got into the passenger seat, and waited. Then I seen you walking out. My heart felt like it was going to explode, it was racing so fast. I began to think of what I would say. "Hello?" "Hey, how's it going?" "Hi, it's nice to meet you?" Oh man, what was I doing? You were getting closer, and I just wanted to disappear.
You got to the car, opened the driver side door, and got in. You looked at me and smiled. And I swear to God, I knew I was in love. You were everything I pictured, you were handsome and cute and sexy all in one. You had a smile to die for. And then you talked, and I honestly don't even remember what you said. But your voice, it gave me shivers. I loved it.
And all of a sudden, all my worry and anxiety disappeared. You began to drive, and we began to talk. And it was so easy for me! I suddenly felt so comfortable, like I'd known you forever. I thought I would be shy and quiet, but words flowed out of my mouth so easily. We talked and laughed, asked each other more questions, teased each other. You said your neck was ticklish, so I kept trying to tickle your neck. It felt like we had been dating for years. It was so natural. My heart felt so full.
We stopped at a lake so I could use the bathroom. Then we went for a short walk, and stopped to view the lake. You were standing behind me, and I so badly wanted to feel your arms wrap around my waist. I wanted to turn and kiss you. I wanted to feel you, to touch you. I hadn't had that desire in years. But after a few minutes we walked back to the car.
The rest of the drive was just as good. Laughter, smiles, conversation. We got home, and continued to drive. I don't think either of us were ready to say goodbye even though it was late. We went up to another lake, and parked and just sat there and talked. I don't know how long we talked for, or what we even talked about. I just know I was so happy. You seemed to like me, you still seemed interested. Never had I felt this comfortable with someone so fast.
And then it was really late, and we decided we should head back and head our separate ways. But before we did, you told me you weren't letting me leave without kissing me first. And then without hesitation, you leaned in and kissed me. Never had a kiss made me feel the way yours did. It had been so long since I had kissed someone, but I know I never felt that amazing from a kiss in my life. And at that moment, I knew there was something special about you. I knew I loved you. And the thought didn't even scare me! It excited me, I felt so happy.
You held my hand all the way home, and when we kissed goodbye I wanted to cry. I didn't want to leave your side.
But I knew I would see you soon, and I did. And it was just as amazing as the first time. We talked all day everyday, saw each other as often as we could, and it was amazing. Never had I had a relationship so natural, so easy, so loving.
Days turned into weeks, weeks into months, and months into almost two years. We now live together, and both love each other completely.
It hasn't been an easy ride though. We've had our ups and downs (too many downs for both our liking).
We fight, we hurt each other, we get angry. We argue, we ignore, we disagree.
But we also laugh, we smile, we kiss. We tickle, we play fight, we cuddle. We support each other, we love each other, and we care about each other.
There's one thing that you taught me, my love. True love does exist.
You have your issues, I have mine. You say and do things I don't like, I say and do things you don't like. We sometimes get very angry at each other. We sometimes hurt each other.
But what I've realized is, all relationships are like ours. There's always going to be conflict, there's always going to be arguments. There will always be tears, anger, disagreement.
But you've got to find the one worth fighting the battle with. The one worth the down times. The one you work through problems together with. The one who can say they're sorry, and actually mean it. I found the one.
I knew there was something about you before I even met you. I fell in love with you fast. Love was a scary thing for me. And although you have done things that have hurt me, so have I to you. But you are worth the emotional battle called love. You are my true love, and I know no matter what life throws at us, no matter what stupid fights we get into, we will always love each other and care about each other. We will never give up on each other.
Though we don't always get along perfectly, you bring a happiness to my life I never expected to find again. You make the worst days good, and the best days better. You are my support, my best friend, some days you are what keeps me going.
I now realize why it never worked out with anyone else. I was waiting for you. And I didn't even know it, I didn't expect it. But we were meant to find each other.
You have shown me what love really is. Life is tough. We all have our own battles. But we stick together even when we don't like each other. Because we are worth it. And there is no one I would rather live this life with than you.
I love you, you are the love of my life.