To the Girl Who Kissed Me Back

We started off as just friends, and as far as I knew, I was straight. I knew something was different between us. We looked way too long at each other to "just be friends." I don't know how you feel about this now, but I can tell you this much. It was my sophomore year, I had just gotten in trouble by my parents, we were on the bus, and I cried to you and you just held me. For the first time in my whole entire life, I knew what it was like to be okay. I knew what it was like to feel protected in somebody else's arms. That night when I was leaving, you hugged me. You always give the best hugs and you still do, but when you hugged me, your warm cheek pressed against mine, I felt your warm breath on my ear, and goosebumps ran down my back and spine. Then you kissed me on the cheek, held the back of my head they way you always do. You whispered in my ear, "I got you." From that day on, you and me, we became inseparable. Wherever you went, I wasn't far behind. I was right behind your every move. You breathed out and I breathed in. You were my best friend, the person I ran to when I had good news and the person that held me when my heart was broken from bad news. You loved me when I couldn't love myself, you taught me so much when I didn't wanna learn, and you kept me moving in a positive direction when I just wanted to give up. We spent most of our time together during school, and almost everyday during practice and after school. I felt something with you that I don't think I had ever felt before. For a split second, you held my hand in the hallway once and I remember everyone freaked out—myself included. Then you just started putting your arm around my shoulder and you would kiss my hand when you walked me into class. You would play with my hair and kiss my forehead when I fell asleep laying on your shoulder. You would talk to me when I was asleep; truth is, I was awake. Everyone would talk about how we were together, and hell, we didn't know what we were doing or how we were supposed to feel—I know I didn't. Everyone saw we had feelings for each other and I think everyone else knew before we did.We just thought we were friends. Deep down inside of me, I told you about the guy that kissed me at a stupid party—when I was looking at your lips, wanting to kiss you. I told you about the guy that I was talking to when I wanted to be with you. I'd change in front of you, I'd feel your lurking eyes, and when I'd catch you staring, you wouldn't look away, you'd look even harder. I thought something was wrong with me, for feeling this way about my "best friend," the girl I did everything with, but I craved more. The first time we were in the locker room, I remember it clearly. We were talking about something stupid. I can't remember now. I was wearing running shorts and you had your hand on my knee. You laughed that beautiful laugh and slid your hand up towards the rest of my body on my inner thigh. I breathed heavily. I remember I told you I had to go run, and I got up and left. My heart was racing, and I felt a thousand goosebumps form on my skin. You decided to hug me goodbye; you also "had to leave." I felt your hands on my back and I felt like I was going to explode. And, of course, you know none of this because I never told you. The next day was our lock-in for softball. You kissed me on the cheek that day walking me to class. You have always been since a tease. Reading this now, I know you have that smirk on your face that I despise so much. In the locker room before practice I was sitting down, you grabbed both my legs right above me knees and had a slight squeeze to your grip. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up. The whole time you were giving me little hints and throwing me little bones throughout the night. We began a game of hide and seek with the team, a group of girls going against another group of girls. We had somehow gotten into the JV boys locker room bathroom; the lights were off and it was completely black. I felt your hands on my back slowly work there way down to my hips, you pulled me near you, and whispered in my ear, "I got you." I couldn't take whatever it was that was building up inside me anymore and I kissed you. I ran out of the bathroom and you followed me. You picked me up off the ground and you kissed me back. Someone was coming around the corner, you dropped me quickly, and made it look not as bad as it actually was. We couldn't tell anyone. Later that night, we were watching movies in the film room when you had gotten ice from the cooler. You traced my stomach with the ice and my whole body craved more. We waited until everyone was asleep—or so we thought. My fingers traced your whole body trying to remember every inch of it because I knew this wouldn't last long. I studied every scar and every freckle, trying to take pictures of you in my mind. I remember your bright orange striped spandex that now have a new home in my own drawer—along with your jackets that still linger of your scent and the t-shirts you'll never see again. I kissed you, and you kissed me back. I felt a smile creep across your face, a smile equally as large crept across mine. This went on for what seemed more like forever—honestly, forever didn't seem long enough. I soaked it in like a sponge because I knew it wouldn't last long. I was laying on your chest that night, sleeping when I heard you say, "I love you." I didn't say it then, but I'll say it now. I love you. The next few weeks, you made my heart pound in my chest everyday. You treated me the way I was meant to be treated: Like a queen. Everything about us was wrong to everyone else. They constantly told us to separate or move away from each other. But we would stay behind in the locker room a little longer, we would be the last ones off the bus, we would show up early, and leave late just to be around each other. You drove me absolutely crazy, everyday. The last day of my sophomore year, you kissed me bye, and going into summer, you hugged me and said, "I got you." But I knew we couldn't be together; people knew what we were, they knew what we did. You didn't want them to know it was me, that it was us. I couldn't look at you and pretend like I didn't have feelings for you. I couldn't look at you and not wanna kiss you. You told me to deny everything and I knew that you just didn't feel the same way. How could I pretend like I wasn't madly in love with a girl? How could I pretend I wasn't in love with you? I never told you this, but you were all I thought about. I cared about you in a way I hadn't cared about anyone before in my whole life. How was I supposed to look at someone who was everything I ever wanted? Everything I needed, everything I craved, and hear them say, they didn't feel the same... I kissed you, and you kissed me back. How could you not feel the same? How could you look at me and tell me it meant nothing to you? How could you hold me so close one day, then be completely distant with me the next? I had love letters and jewelry, and I would wear your clothes. I still do and I texted you goodnight. I cared about you, I dreamed about you, I planned a future next to you, with you, and it meant nothing to you? "I got you," you said. How am I supposed to feel? What am I supposed to do now? I poured myself into you. I poured and poured and poured and I was the one that was left empty. And you, you were full. I built you up, only for your next lover in line to tear you down. Truth is, I'm always there to pick up the pieces now. I put you back together, only for someone to tear you apart again. Your feelings for me vanished just as quickly as they appeared... and I don't know how you feel now, but I knew how you felt then. Truth is, I looked into you too much. I felt too strongly about you. I gave you more than I ever took away. Truth is, we wouldn't have worked even if you tried—God knows I tried. I did everything in my power to be with someone, who didn't want to be with me out of fear. You were scared what people would think, what people would think of you—hell, I was, too. But I would have done anything and gone through anything if that meant I could have been with you. We went back to being what we were meant to be: Friends. It was lots of ups and down, lots of flirting, then realizing we couldn't go back to that. We couldn't even think of the idea of us. Friends can break your heart, too, and you definitely left a mark on mine. You helped me through so many darks nights, and you have always been my brightest star. You made me feel something I've never felt before, you gave me something that no one else could ever give me, and no one else could ever take away. There's so much more I could say about you, about us, but frankly, I wanna keep those memories tucked away safe inside of me. There's so much I neglected to tell you, so much still left unsaid, but I'll say this: I still love you, but in a different way now. I used to love you in the way I wanted to be with you. Now I love you in a way I hope you're happy. I hope all your dreams and ambitions come true. I hope you are filled with absolute happiness, and I hope you find the love I was willing to give you. Thank you for holding me while I cried and helping me though any situation. You held me up in bad times, and you will always be there though the good times. I'll never forget the heartache you taught me, but it's my greatest lesson:

"Oh baby, thank you for letting me in, thanks for letting me vent to you, when I didn't have anyone, thanks for letting me have a piece of you, you'll always have a piece of me, don't ever forget that you can call me, when things are gettin a little hard or when things get a little shaky, you always got me."

"I love you, JB."

You always got me.

I love you, KM.