To the First Girl I've Ever Loved

I am a girl who has been confused about a lot of things. I’ve spent years confused about my sexuality, confused about who I am, where I belong and what I deserve, and I’ve always been ok with that, because who really knows the answers to those questions? It’s fine to still be figuring out who you are, it’s ok to always be searching for somewhere to call home but it’s not ok to accept less than you deserve. I have spent the last seven years in relationships which tore me down, trusting people I thought had the best intentions for me, only to have them tear the carpet from underneath me and leave me lying more vulnerable than before… but this isn’t a story about me, or the series of events that led me to where I am now. It’s a post about the girl who saved me. We are often encouraged to first allow time for self-love, because how can we pour our love into others if we have not yet filled our own cup, Francisco states that, “Perhaps we should love ourselves so fiercely that when others see it they know how it’s done.” However, she gives me more love than I could ever give myself. Each day she teaches me what I deserve and shows me what I am capable of giving in return.

I’ve often told the story of how we met and each time I am assured that it sounds like something from a movie. Something only the great Nicholas Sparks himself could conjure up. But that is not a story I am going to share with you, that story isn’t meant for the world, it's meant for us. Some people are so deep that you fall into them and never stop falling.

Ours is a tale I hope I can recite forever. I am thankful for the nights we share together because each one is like a sleep over with my best friend. We lay for hours laughing and sharing stories, making silly faces and seeing which one can ‘out weird’ the other. I love listening to her talk, remembering the night we ran home barefoot in the rain, the morning kisses and the sneaky evening showers when we thought no one was home, stargazing on the roof and my terrible singing whilst I serenade her with all my favourite songs. Although it is hard knowing I won’t be with her every day and that distance is a largely unwelcomed part of our relationship, there is no one on this Earth I would rather be with.

An old friend once told me, “Don’t waste time doing things you don’t love.” I live my life by these words. Not one moment of my life with her feels wasted, because I am completely and irretrievably in love with her. She’s the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last thing I think of before I go to sleep. We have a mutual respect and understanding of what the other needs, there are no secrets and she makes me feel safe. I have found a girl who I can care for and put first, a girl that feels exactly the same way about me. I love looking at the woman I love and seeing parts of myself in her, and I am so grateful. Grateful because I know that love doesn’t always feel like this. We have the kind of love where no words are needed because I see exactly how she feels in the way she smiles, like an unspoken I love you.

So, to the first girl I’ve ever loved,

Thank you, for all the things you continue to teach me, for loving me beyond all reason and for giving me more than I can ever dream of.

Until we meet again x