To the Best Friend I Thought Would Never Hurt Me: Thanks for Breaking My Heart

I confided in you, told you all my fears, my dreams, everything. You let me believe that opening up was going to be okay, that opening up to you was going to be a good thing.

I should have known you would take all my deepest fears to form the knife you put in my back.

I should have known better. Selfish people only take what they want and run. You got what you wanted from me, didn't you? Was I really just someone to fill the void until you found what you really wanted?

A "family" with a man that is controlling and manipulative, oh, but you can get sex out of him, and apparently that's all that matters?

Two children that aren't even yours, but you seem to love them more than you ever loved me.

I gave you so much of my life, I gave you so much of me. I let you have everything I could offer, just for you to turn around and grind me up like a piece of meat.

I sit here at 12:07 AM, still wondering what went wrong.

My anxiety raging like a vast summer storm, "Was it my fault?" No, it was not. "Should I have held in my feelings?" No, I don't regret telling my truth. "Why do you want to hurt me?" "Is this even you talking or is it him whispering in your ear?"

I thought I knew you, I thought I knew the person you were. I thought I knew the person you were becoming: A strong, independent, and beautiful woman, with such a bright future.

But I was wrong. Oh, I was so entirely wrong.

The truly sad part about all of this? I still don't think you realize what you have done to me. In all of my years, I have never had such a good relationship with anyone. Everyone around us saw it. People told me they wished they had a friendship like ours. Yet here we are, broken, shattered, and thrown into a burning fire.

What kills me even more? You knew this was my biggest fear. I begged you, over and over, to please not leave me like everyone else has. You knew how bad this would hurt me. Are you doing this on purpose?

The worst part of all of this? I still care for you. I still love you, best friend. I still want the world handed to you, because you deserve it. I hate that you can cause this much pain and torment for me, and I still give such a shit about your happiness and well being. Is there something wrong with me? This just seems like a strange case of Stockholm Syndrome.

You know, I hope you read this one day. I hope you understand the pain you have caused me, because it's so hard to explain in just words. I have written poem after poem, letter after letter, created paintings and drawings just to get as many feelings out as I possibly can, just so they all stop bothering me.

We had so many plans best friend, so many dreams. I wanted you to be my maid of honor at my wedding, you wanted me to be the cool aunt of your children. We wanted to see the world, live our lives, and one day be sat on a porch at 60 years old laughing about something stupid one of us said.

I still want that. I really do.

But you no longer seem to care. I guess I'm no longer apart of your "family."

Now I'm here, left drowning in my own tears while you're most likely sound asleep, not having any problems about this. Just as you said: Your "family" and your job are your priorities now. I guess having my back is no longer a thing you care about anymore. That must be because you left your knife there. Thanks, I'll just add it to the collection you knew about.

So, best friend, thanks so much for being by my side when I need it most. It's hard to be there for someone when you're the one causing all the pain apparently.

I must thank you though. Thank you for reminding me once again the only person I can really ever trust is myself. I need to never forget that, ever again.