To Our Mutual "Friends"

Our Friday nights at church were something I always held dear to my heart. Church was my safe place. I looked forward every week to catching up with all of you and finding out what was going on in each of your lives. He was there too; my ex I mean.

All of you knew my secrets, and I knew yours. You knew the things I've been through, and yet, when I was graduated from youth group, and you all still had a year left, it was as if my feelings were of no value.

When I got diagnosed with cancer, you were the first to tell my ex that I was lying. No matter how much he told you it wasn't possible and that he saw my scar from operations, you tried to convince him I was lying. You told him that I have harmed myself before, which it had been a year since I last did, and that it wouldn't be a surprise if I cut my skin to resemble a surgical scar. Thankfully, he believed in in me more than he believed in you, but what confused me is what made you think I would do something like that? Regardless, when I saw you at the next Sunday service, I wanted so badly to pretend like I didn't know about what you told him. I wanted to pretend like everything was okay. But as soon as I saw you, I couldn't stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks. Your distrust hurt me. As someone who claimed to be a friend, your first instinct should've been to comfort me in my illness and not to doubt me without reason. Regardless, I explained my hurt and you apologized; Enough to make me forgive you.

Then, the youth group took an overnight camping trip. He came back and told me that he wanted to focus on God and couldn't be in a relationship. I knew him inside out, and I knew that wasn't the truth. He finally admitted he liked another girl from youth, a girl who was always like a little sister to me. Having no one to talk to, I came to you for comfort and guidance. You claimed you had no idea that he was even thinking of breaking up with me, but you did. In fact, you were the one who encouraged him to break up with me.

Again, that broke me; Except this time, I didn't address it. I tried to forget about it because I knew he'd come back to me, which he did.

We were happy. You went to college in a different city, so neither of us saw you much. We missed you, we tried to come visit you, but we knew how seriously you take your school work and decided not to intrude.

But onto your girlfriend. She and I didn't just know each other from church, we went to the same high school too. In my last year, she was my closest friend. I told her everything, and she told me how she liked you and wanted to be with you. I knew you liked her to, and I prayed every night until you two got together.

When I was diagnosed with cancer, she actually contacted me. She came to me and asked, "This is what I heard. Is it true? I want to pray for you." That's the type of support I should've gotten from you. But I didn't.

She went to the same college as you too, but we still talked from time to time.

But then your influence became too strong.

I don't know what I did to you. From the way I see it, I have always respected you. I always admired your maturity, intelligence, and confidence, which is why you were my go-to guy for any advice, even though you were younger than I was. Somewhere along the line, it seemed like your confidence became obnoxiousness.

I told him I didn't want to be around you anymore. I told him I felt like you had something against me for some reason and I just wasn't comfortable hanging out with you. Of course, I didn't stop him from seeing you. I knew you made him happy, and he enjoyed spending time with you. I just stopped tagging along, knowing I would feel unwelcome.

7 months ago, your age group from youth went mini-golfing together, one of them being his ex. I didn't stop him, I didn't get upset. I just asked that he texted me every few hours (of course, I wasn't fully comfortable with him seeing his ex). Around 10pm, I decided I didn't want to wait around for him to call me to say goodnight anymore, and decided to go to sleep. Around 1am, he called me from the bus on the way home and broke up with me.

My world came crashing down in that moment. He didn't give me a reason, he didn't seem to know why he was breaking up with me himself. I know he didn't catch feelings for his ex before me again, I knew that it wasn't anything I said or did, and the only explanation I could think of was that you and your girlfriend encouraged him to do it.

And I wasn't wrong.

Even if you hadn't done that, if you were truly my friends you would've asked me how I was doing after the breakup. You would've made an effort to hear how I felt, how much I was hurting, but you didn't. You just didn't care.

I had already stopped going to church on Sundays to avoid running into you, knowing you two return to the city on the weekends. Quarantine came at the perfect time, so I could stop making up reasons to tell my parents about why I couldn't go to church.

Church is no longer my safe place. You took a place where I used to feel happy, and turned it into a place where I feel humiliation and betrayal. When I walk into the building I only feel sadness. I feel hurt and I feel anger.

But I can't avoid it forever. So the next time you two see me, don't approach me. Don't run up to me and ask "How are you?" Don't tell me you missed me. Don't tell me that we should hang out. Don't raise your arms to give me a hug.

I forgive you, I do. I still pray for the both of you. I pray that you maintain a healthy relationship with each other, I pray that you both find success, and I pray that you take care of him.

But forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting, and that's just something we'll all have to live with.