To Find Myself, I Had to Lose You

If you had asked me ten years ago where I’d be now, I would never imagine this would be my answer. Failed relationship after relationship has taken more than a toll on me. But when I met you I thought my bad luck was over.

Brown eyes, dark skin, and curls for days. You made my heart skip just by looking at you. Our first night together sealed the deal. I had found my soul mate.

Every little fight we had only made me love you more. “Anything worth having never comes easy,” right?

After we married, I thought this is it. My life is complete. Thing can’t get any better. From here we will build a life. We will have good jobs. A house. A family. But that’s never what we had was it?

The fights got worse. More violent on both our parts. But we tried. Oh how we tried. Nothing worked. The jobs didn’t get better. The money never came. We were treading water.

But I loved you.

A move will do the trick. Let’s get closer to your family. That will make you happier. I loved you enough to sacrifice my happiness. So one twelve hour drive later we were to find our happiness.

And it got better. We were happy. Things weren’t perfect but we survived.

Then the passing of your brother. I held you as you cried and screamed and yelled. I should have gone with you that night when they told you. But I arrived later. But I held you. I cried with you.

We moved on and moved up in life. Still feeling the pain together. Hell, we still feel it to this day. But you changed. I changed. We grew apart. And neither of us realized where it would lead. Though things got better and life was easier, but we were in too different worlds.

I slowly saw myself disappearing. My identity lost within the folds of our crumbling relationship. It wasn’t long before I realized that I had lost myself long ago.

The day I found out you were having an affair with my best friend I thought my life had ended. Just a few months shy of five years of marriage, you chose to stray.

Yes, I said “you chose.” Because it was your choice. You chose to sleep with her. You chose to end five years of marriage, a seven year relationship.

It took me a long time to come to terms with losing you. And to admit that this wasn’t my fault. That I didn’t push you into her arms.

You chose.

You were toxic. I was toxic. Our relationship was toxic.

Here it is almost two years later. You have not moved out and you are here with her. I see you both everyday. You save nothing to change this. And complain how horrible your life is and I watch as your “new found love” crumbles before you.

But I’m going to sit here and smile because there’s a difference between you and me. I’m a good person. Tell me I’m crazy or a fool but I believe in the right thing, not the common thing.

I didn’t throw you out because you have nowhere to go. I help you because everyone else has given up on you.

I’m not heartless, unlike you.

By seeing you in another relationship, I can see how messed up our relationship was. How toxic we were to each other. Seeing you two reminds me that I deserve better.

That was my first step.

In my course of healing, found myself. I found what makes me happy. I found my focus and drive. I became a better, stronger, and caring person. And to do that....

I needed to lose you.

Thank you for choosing.