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Thoughts That Never Go Away

Forgiveness

By Kainas XPublished 6 years ago 7 min read
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March 1st, 2018

Forgiveness is painful and confusing. It's easy to tell someone to forgive another but to actually be that person forgiving, it's difficult. Now I'm not going to sit here and lecture or go on about how forgiveness makes you feel better or how forgiveness makes you the bigger person. Instead, I'm going to sit here and talk about how the thought of forgiving someone pains me more than to just hold a grudge for the rest of my life.

I'm not exactly the happiest person you will meet in life, although I've been told by many that my smile brightens up their days. I smile a lot. Maybe a little too much. When I walk into the grocery store and I walk past employees or other shoppers, I smile at them. Whether we had a conversation or if we were just passing each other. I smile when I see a toddler wobbling over to their parents wanting a little praise about how adorable they are. I smile when I'm in pain, physically and/or emotionally.

I hated being that person that cried at everything. I hated showing my feelings because I would cry. Whether I'm in a euphoric state of mind or if I am going through one of my depression episodes. I hated apologizing to people the most. Even if I was at fault, you would never see me give a genuine apology. Instead I would just act like nothing happened or maybe try to slip a quick, monotone "sorry bout earlier" followed by a nod. However as I grew up, I realized how important apologies are. Even if it wasn't my fault, I saw how important it was to step up and be the bigger person. Yet, my pride doesn't allow me to, my pride is making me a bitter person and I don't know how to let it go.

I'm only 19 years old. I haven't really grown up yet, I still have so much to learn, I know that. Sometimes my brain just makes me wonder who I really am. My brain confuses me. It tells me to forgive unforgivable incidents but at the same time, it tells me to hold a grudge towards a person who said something a little offensive.

When I was 17 years old, something unforgivable happened to me. I went to a friend's 16th birthday party but unfortunately that resulted in me being molested. I'm not going to go into that story, that's another story for another time. Oddly enough, I forgave the person and their family. For some strange reason, even though I was hurting inside, even though I still flinch a little whenever my boyfriend touches my body lovingly, even though I have been hurt mentally, I still forgave the person that molested me (no, my boyfriend did not molest me. We had a long distant relationship until I graduated high school).

Recently, I just moved in with my boyfriend when I was 18 turning 19 in a few months (we lived eight hours apart; three states separated us). I was struggling to find a job, it sucked so bad. I depended on my boyfriend and his family for a bit (my parents stopped interacting with me when they found out I was dating my boyfriend). I had a job for a month and a half, then I quit. Found another job for three weeks and quit. Those jobs I had, they were labor jobs. I understand that his mother may have been getting frustrated. But they don't understand that when I was in fifth grade, I fractured my lower back and never got surgery for it. Instead my doctors told me I would have trouble lifting heavy things for the rest of my life, doing normal things would strain my back. My doctor told me that if I was to ever get pregnant, that I would have moderate to severe back pain due to the back fracture. So all those jobs I left, they gave me severe back pain. I couldn't even stand up from a sitting position without having to change the way I normally got up.

I had a job interview the day before I got into a serious argument with my boyfriend's family. It all started out when I was told by a trustworthy source that my boyfriend's sister (let's call her V) said my life wasn't going anywhere. That pissed me off. All I ever done to them was give them my support, love, and time. I ran errands for them sometimes without complaining. I would help them with job applications and filling out paper work. I would help explain something to them if they didn't understand it. After my interview, I sat in the car for five minutes recording myself ranting to post on snapchat. After I posted the video, I just sat there, crying a little. Not because V was "right" but because she was someone I thought understood me. I got close to my boyfriend's family but to have them turn their backs on me is hurtful, especially when I couldn't even call my own mom to cry about it. I sat there for a few minutes more and decided to call my boyfriend. By this point, I'm balling my eyes out, I'm choking on my breath and I'm trying to stop the tears (which made it worse). I'm asking him if I made the right choice leaving my family behind for him. I'm hurt. But I suck it up and I hang up the phone after an hour in the parking lot. I go home and I smile as I walk past his mother to my room. I don't come out of my room at all. That night, I text V "If you have a problem with me, say it to my face".

The next day, my boyfriend says that his mother wants to talk to me and V about what is happening between us so. Let me just say it resulted in me making both V and her mother cry and I'm yelling insults at them, after the argument while I was packing my stuff. Don't get me wrong, they were yelling insults at me first. I wasn't at fault, I asked V why it was any of her business in what jobs I could and couldn't hold. I told her to stay out of my business because she had no reason to talk about my life when she doesn't even know what I've dealt with my entire life. I didn't want to quit, but if I wanted to stop living in physical pain, then I had to. In the end, I stayed with friends for three days while my boyfriend and I were waiting for an application approval to move into my new apartment. I got a part time job (minimum wage) to pay my rent and to eventually get a car. I have no credit and no car, even to this day. I haven't talk to them since then. I haven't interacted with them or sent them money (willingly) or anything. His mom's pregnant. I don't plan to visit them when she gives birth.

That all happened in November of 2017. I tried to forget it, I tried to not talk about it. I hold long grudges and sometimes, I never let go of certain grudges. It makes me feel numb. I like that numb feeling. But today, it creeped up on me like my predator. I want to forgive his family for my boyfriend. I can see the stress in his tired eyes when he comes home from work. I want to forgive his sister for him. But I can't bring myself to forgive them because of my pride. I never done anything wrong, why do I have to apologize to them. I minded my own business, why do I have to apologize to them for talking about my life's direction? Why am I hurting my boyfriend because I don't want to apologize or forgive his family? Why am I being so stubborn, not wanting to look like I was wrong even when I know I wasn't wrong? Why am I hurting the person I love because of my pride? I need help. I don't want to be the bigger person. I don't want to forgive. I don't know why I should be the one apologizing and forgiving. They should be the one apologizing to me. I'm being eaten up alive by my thoughts about forgiving his family. I don't know how to let go of my pride to stop hurting those I love. I like it better when I'm holding the grudge and feeling numb.

These are the thoughts that never go away.

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About the Creator

Kainas X

My diary. A place my brain can spill it's thoughts without judgments. I just need a place that I can talk about my feelings without others deciding whether or not they should comfort me. Rather I need a place I can say things uncensored.

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