Thoughts Of An Introvert in Love
Individual accounts that may not reflect the whole.
There is something creepy about love expressed through abstinence and forbearance.
Those piercing stares of desire you direct towards your person of affection as if begging them to notice you. More often than not, it's as if they don’t see you even when you can clearly see them looking at you.
And in a way you are right. They don’t see you. They can’t.
How are their naked eyes supposed to see the multiple deaths you are going through just to be with them when they themselves are going through desirous deaths of their own?
What justification are you supposed to give them for all the sweaty palms, appetite loss, brain fog, and general dis-ease that defines your anxiety at the mere thought of them?
Deep down you know that the anxiety is stirring up a lot of the things you kept out of sight and out of mind. The quakes of your being have created fault lines in your psyche and now, you not only have to show up and love them but you also have to address this baggage of insecurity that has spilled through the fault lines.
People won’t understand you. How are they supposed to? For them, it's as simple as asking the person out on a date. Dates aren’t quite your thing, in fact, you have probably never swiped right or left on anybody, more so, those algorithms don’t even know a creature like you exists.
Dates are shallow, maybe it's because of all the conventionality they follow. You’d rather just call it hanging out. But how will your love accept such treatment?
What are you? stupid?
You are getting above yourself. Remember you have not even spoken to them yet. Ok, maybe you have, but that hardly qualifies as far as you’re concerned. If anything, those conversations have only revealed to you that you have no chance of being together.
They love another. You know it. Not that they told you. You are probably assuming. After all, they are the most perfect beings you have ever seen. There is no chance that you are the only one with the eyes to see that.
Even with all that knowledge, their Being inspires you to be better,… Yes, yes, yes, when you say you are being better, you are being better to and for them. You’re most likely just as shitty to other people as you were before you got hypnotized.
They don’t know that, they can’t. Even you aren’t willing to admit it to yourself. All they know is the way you are treating them. You are more than willing to help them, you’re memory is instantly superhuman when it comes to remembering details about them, I mean, that’s second nature by now, you will notice even when one strand of their hair flies the wrong way.
It does get creepier than that, but you must admit, that’s some creepy shit.
You don’t want to suffer alone, so you turn to the internet for answers. But with all the revving insecurities in your being, you soon notice that the actions you have been taking so far towards wooing said heart have got you into simp territory.
What started out as an innocent affection now has horrible labels backed with insecurities attached to it.
How are you now supposed to “seek alone time with them” without thinking about how creepy that is? What makes you think that you are even worthy of a second of their time with you in public let alone hours alone with them?
What is so special that you want to tell them in private? That you love them? With their hypnotizing beauty, they get that all the time. You’re just a statistic.
Or are you trying to meet them in private so that the world doesn’t have to know when they reject you? You just can’t handle the thought of having a ubiquitous moment of rejection renting social media space everywhere. Is that it? You chicken!!!
Is that why you blush so much. Maybe you think that blushing will soften her heart and prepare her for the love you’re about to hit her with? Let me ask you… Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately?
Years of neglect have left your face desolate. Any micro muscle movement of the rich blush emotion is rusty. Some parts don’t work. Pulling it off is only in your imagination. The reality? Creepy as fuck!!!
Maybe you should just let this one go. After all, your whole single life is marred by nothing but such heartbreaks. What makes you think this will be different.
Your relationships never go past your logic. You fall in love, date, have sex, kids, family, and death, all in your mind. People who see you quietly slaving away at your work think you are contributing to the expansion of “Pi” but in reality, this is where you are, in love and about to break up with someone who was never in love with you.
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