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Thoko"Zani" The Bewildered

The End Or A Beginning (part 1)

By Ropafadzo Thokozani ZinyukePublished 3 years ago 9 min read
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“Why does everyone still think we’re in an Open relationship Hakeem?” I asked with my hands gripping my waist. “Is this why you dragged me out here?” He answered my question with a question that didn’t even correlate with my question. I glared at him with furry fuming in my eyes but not even that alarmed him like it used to. “Zani, one weekend. One weekend is all I asked for. You promised you wouldn’t ruin this weekend with these childish arguments you always start. I was actually having a good time in there” He continued with a stare that raged with disappointment but mostly annoyance. I kept my glare on him because he had still not answered my question that seemed as clear as a night sky during a full moon. “Maybe they saw you with one of your male ‘friends’ and thought something was up.” He said putting emphasis on ‘friends’. I was still silent glaring at him because I felt like there was more than just the accusation he pinned on me. “Are we done here?” He asked looking back into the theatre behind him “Kory is going to be performing soon and I'm not going to miss it for whatever this is,” He said ducking his hands into his pockets huffing and puffing like the big bad wolf, Or was I the big bad wolf.

“Can I see your phone then?” I said trying my best not to sound hostile, even though I’m sure I did. For the first time he didn't hesitate or tutor me on how i needed to control myself and how to stop having trust issues. He was tired of fighting and i was draining him. He simply slid his hand out of his pocket with his phone and gave it to me. “I hope you find exactly what you’re looking Zani” He said stepping away from me and walking towards the theatre. My heart sank like it was predicting the hurt I was going to put myself through by going through his phone. As I punched in his passcode my heart seemed to rise again but beating as hard as drums at a funeral loud, rough and sorrowful. When his phone was unlocked I stared at the homescreen, it was a picture of us laughing as his wallpaper and I felt guilty. Love is based on trust and by me scanning through his phone it showed i didn't trust him. Was I really the villain playing the victim in this story...in our whole relationship.

As I was about to switch his phone off to return to the concert a message popped in and it was from Lilah. I knew who that was. It was Delilah the girl he dated before me, became friends with, messed around with when our relationship was open and even messed around with my brother. “Lmao Its on my Christmas wish list too” The text from Delilah said. It seemed like an innocent text but I was curious about what more they spoke about. You know what they say “Curiosity killed the cat” and curiosity sure did kill this cat. As I browsed through their texts it was wild. The rendezvous they went on that I begged him to take me to, their steamy text, steamy pictures and their hookup narrations of how good of a time they had together. I was hurt he was still seeing her after we stopped the open relationship, but what really hurt is the fact that he spoke to her, flirted with her and touched her in the ways I craved from him but he always he said was too tired or busy for me funny enough not for her. I went back into the theatre with my fakest “I’m ready for a good time” face to masquerade the pain I shouldn't have searched for and dawned myself in.

During the concert I was in my own world. My own world that seemed familiar to being high and intoxicated, the difference was I was high on grief and intoxicated by pain, not the best type of high. I observed random people in the crowd and wondered what some of them may have been going through. Were they treating this concert like a masquerade ball where they wore a mask of fake a vibe. Everyone seemed to be riding their own waves as they vibed to the music while I drowned in my own wave with the loud music tingling the lump in my throat bribing my emotions to well out of me. The last thing I needed was to cry and draw unnecessary attention to myself so walked backed to the hotel. I sat at the balcony staring at the gloomy sky that didn't show off her stars and moon that night. It didn’t look as beautiful but something about staring at the gloomy sky felt poetic. It felt like the sky was me during that moment. I stared into the sky for hours as I waited for Hakeem to return so we could try fix our relationship.

1:04 was the time he finally got back to the hotel. When he walked into the room he tossed himself on the bed heavily and turning the Television on. He cleared his throat and I could feel him looking my direction while I was still sitting by the balcony. I ignored him because I wanted him to vocalize what exactly he wanted to talk about. So I continued to gaze into space, zoning out of reality as I tried to build up the courage to talk to him without crying or yelling. He knew me all too well and knew exactly what I doing. So he decided to accelerate my process of building momentum like he always did by raising the volume on the TV. He snapped me back to reality but I still sat out by the balcony because I was not ready to confront him. “Zani, I kid you not I will change the channel to an inappropriate one,” He yelled on the top of his lungs but I didn’t budge. “I’m actually browsing through babe,” I forced myself up because I could hear him aggressively change the channels “You want to talk,” I Yelled grabbing the remote from him and reducing the volume. “Then talk,” I said pulling his out of my pocket. “I thought you’d have questions.” He said sitting up with his legs crossed. “You want me to turn this issue into an interview” I said trying my best to keep myself together “I don't know where to start Hakeem...How has this been going on? You can build up from there”

“I still continued after we closed off from the whole thing. I tried to stop but they...”

“They...its not only Delilah?” I chipped in before he finished what he had to say. “Yes.” He said trying to avoid eye contact like a criminal that's been caught. “Zani we had been doing it for like 3 years and I was so used to it. You abruptly decided we should stop and I wasn’t ready to stop...what did you think would happen?” He said finally looking up to me and locking eyes with me. “What do you mean ‘What did you think would happen?’ Imma tell you what I thought would happen” I said tossing his phone on the bed “I thought you’d do exactly what i did when you suggested an open relationship. Play along even though I was not comfortable about. I just agreed because you wanted it and I wanted you to be happy. That’s what you do when you love someone make sacrifices that make you uncomfortable. I was not happy when our relationship was open...you were. And when I finally wanted happiness I compromised for all those years and you were selfish,” Hakeem looked away and started to rub his temples to figure out a way to word his response that would worsen the damage he had already inflicted. “I just need time to adjust, not everyone can adapt like you Zani” He said propelling himself off the bed switching off the tv “Let's call it a night and talk tomorrow. I am tired and I will probably say stuff I’ll regret,” Hakeem said walking to the light switch “And we will be cooled off and level headed”

“If time is what you want...let’s take a break” I said as he was reaching for the light switch. “A break? This is why I said we both need to rest and cool off,” He said crossing his arms. “So you can easily adjust without cheating on me...It’s temporary. Till you’re ready for monogamy and be with only me” I said swallowing my saliva that caused the lump in my throat to grow

“And you call me selfish. We’ve always worked through things. You of all people know what ‘A break’ did to my parents, my family”

“We’re not your parents Hakeem and it won't happen to us...it just space” I said

“Space? Things happen during breaks. Like falling in love with someone else, Zani”

“We won’t,”

“How do you know? We have no control over feelings...” Hakeem face was all scrunched up in disbelief

“Can you be positive, Hakeem,”

“Tell me a positive factor then”

“We could use this as a self discovery journey”

“You know what happens in those”

“We learn about ourselves alone”

“During that journey...what if we don’t find our way back to each and feel like one of us was weighing down the other. Leading to a sour relationship between us,”

“Then we work on each other”

“I don’t like this. This is a bad idea that’s going to hurt one of us”

“Hakeem...”

“No Zani. Don’t build castles in the air for me. I know what happens next” He said with anger oozing from him

“Hakeem you don’t.”

“Zani I do and I ain't stupid. I’m not going to take a step that could hurt me or you,”

“What do we do then Hakeem? Open our relationship again”

“Yes, and I’ll work on adjusting from there or something...anything but a break”

“No Hakeem. What if you don't. I don't want to end up in an open marriage.”

“What’s the duration,”

“I don’t know maybe a month or so...that’s usually how long it takes to unlearn most habits.”

“Why don’t we make it permanent since that's what you want Zani”

“Permanent? That’s not what I said”

“I don’t have time for this to be honest. I’m going downstairs to check if I can check into another room.”

“No need” I said grabbing my suitcase i hadn't unpacked yet “I’m going home”

“How? At this hour? Be realistic Zani. Take my car. I’ll catch a flight or a ride back” he said handing me the keys and sliding into bed. “This is how we end?” I asked and all he did was turnover in the bed and faced the other side with no response. As I was approaching the door He said “Zani” I was hoping he was going to stop me or tell me he overreacting and a smile was creeping in but he said “Turn the light off” which I ignored and responded to with a slamming door as I exited.

The four hour drive was intense. I had finally given into my emotion and was wailing louder than banshee could have. I was so invested in our relationship and made sacrifices I was not comfortable which made me hurt more. Was this the end or a beginning?

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About the Creator

Ropafadzo Thokozani Zinyuke

• Welcome to the worlds trapped in my head•

Insta: Zambezian_Muse

Check Out My Blog To get early access to my writing:

https://www.tonguetiedremedy.com/

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