This Wasn’t Cupid

The assignment is to create an anti-Valentine’s playlist. Perhaps if I had ever created a pro-Valentine’s day playlist, this would feel easier to achieve. My history with this romantic day have more often than not included my single self, serial killer documentaries, lots of snacks and often a bottle of wine (you know…for romance). In between these I have one year that included a first date where I took a rough tumble on the ski hill. I spent most of the day in the chalet drinking vodka cocktails and proceeded to continue on with normal life for 3 days before ending up in the emergency room with a broken arm. I really should have understood the universe was sending me a message…but it sounded more like a “memorable first date story”. Oops. Then there was the year I got stood up. It wound up being a fun time with a group seated next to me that eventually realized no one would be joining me at the table. And then along came 2010. A year that also produced an album that will forever be known as the soundtrack to that insane chapter of my life.

February 14, 2010. This was the day that my life forever changed…though I wasn’t aware until nearly two weeks later. Did you guess? That’s right! That day marks the big event of the fertilization of my lucky egg with my little scorpio baby. I can guarantee you that after one unplanned Valentine’s pregnancy, this day is forever changed for a woman.

To say that the pregnancy was unplanned was an understatement. And to say the events that would follow were less than ideal would be a grave underestimation. The amount of obstacles I endured, combined with the new hormones and mood swings all wonderfully mixed together with the fact that I had no choice but to face everything without so much as a glass of wine led to a rollercoaster of emotions. These were, eventually, the highest highs. They were unfortunately preceded by the absolute lowest lows that seemed to only be met by one artist. This rapper, songwriter and record producer that brought hip hop to middle America was CLEARLY the perfect match for a struggling, pregnant Canadian single mom. I’m honestly not sure why he isn’t included in more “Pregnant: Now what?” articles. How does one express their innermost feelings of abandonment while faced with the responsibility of giving an unborn child a healthy world to enter into? How do you describe the indescribable feeling of a baby growing inside you, while the other half of that baby’s DNA describes their hatred of the existence of that helpless being than by listening to Eminem spit some lyrics. This wasn’t my plan either, by the way.

“It's not a contest and I ain't on no conquest for no mate

I wasn't lookin' when I stumbled onto you, musta been fate

But so much is at stake, what the fuck does it take?

Let's cut to the chase

'Fore the door shuts in your face, promise me if I cave in and break

And leave myself open that I won't be makin' a mistake”

Followed by:

“I'll blow my brains in your lap, lay here and die in your arms

Drop to my knees and I'm pleadin', I'm tryin' to stop you from leavin'

You won't even listen so fuck it, I'm tryin' to stop you from breathin’”

Sounds a bit dramatic. A bit dark. not the way a Valentine’s day is supposed to leave you. What was going to be accomplished in the beginning? Fighting for someone to want something they already chose to hate? How much can a person take? What was I supposed to do for this helpless baby growing inside me? How do you do what is best and protect them? There is no right answer…and somehow Eminem can so eloquently put it into words.

“You know what you've done no need to go in depth

I told you, you'd be sorry if I fucking left

I'd laugh while you wept

Hows it feel now, yeah, funny ain't it, you neglected me

Did me a favor although my spirit free you've said

But a special place for you in my heart I have kept

Its unfortunate”

This album is so descriptive of a persons fight to rise from the ashes. It highlights the emotions that you cannot ask the other mothers in your prenatal group to relate to. The darkest valleys to navigate. The highest walls to climb. This album describes every feeling a woman with nothing but a baby growing in her womb goes through. Valentine’s is represented in the world to everyone as this joyous time filled with love and kisses. Bringing a baby into the world is described as this overwhelming wave of love and hope. When you feel like you have no one, and that this baby conceived on the day of love has been rejected by everyone around that is supposed to explode with excitement to one day meet, Eminem is the one person in this world that can dive into the depths of your emotions and make you feel like SOMEONE understands.