This Is going to be FANTASTIC!
Either a fantastic success or a fantastic failure.
If I were to double check sc, I’m pretty sure it would say 31 or 32 weeks since he read the last message I sent him. It’s been over a year since our last conversation. It’s not saved, of course, but I’m sure it would read somewhere along the lines of me telling him that I was thinking of him, that I hoped he was doing well, and that I hoped his new life set his soul on fire. I truly meant it. He had always been so special to me, in a very unique way.
He touched my heart before that one guy I was with had a chance to get in and cause so much wreckage. We had a horrible issue with timing at first, all because I made the wrong decision, between him, the fantastic guy I’d just met, and my ex, who’d just shown up at my door, professing his love to me, and promising to change. Out of respect for what I hadn’t properly ended, I chose history, and when I’d finally gotten it squared away, the absolutely wonderful man was no longer available. He’d started seeing someone.
Well...he was kinda not available. We had occasional contact, as friends, but there was obvious tension between the two of us, and no mistaking we both still held very strong personal feelings for one another. Unfortunately, we kept being so back and forth in our own relationships, that we could never wind up aligned at the same time. If, at any time we did, even temporarily, he would get so overwhelmed by his strong feelings that he would go back to the structured life that treated him horribly, because at least it made sense.
Never the less, I always got the feeling that it was I, who set his soul on fire. Or maybe it was that I was feeling him, igniting my soul. That could have been it, also.
A bit over 32 weeks ago, he told me of his pending nuptials to this lucky lady, and the pending arrival of their daughter. I knew his feelings about all of that, but I did my best to sound supportive and encouraging to him. I wasn’t being fake, I wanted him to be happy, and I hated that he wasn’t choosing me. I wanted to throw a fucking tantrum. But with grace and dignity, I wished him well, and vowed to always be here for him, if ever he needed or wanted me to be.
I never WANTED to fall in love with him! He didn’t really fit the physical attributes that I am typically drawn to, when attracted to men. But my God, there was something magnetic about the severe cut of his jib that immediately spikes my body temp, and catches my breath in a stutter. His firm, yet gentle touch could speak both compassion as well as command in the same breath.
His thoughts were a place I treasured the chance to take a leisurely stroll. He, being SO smart, but not really realizing it, can wander into some pretty great conversations. I love just talking to him...
But maybe the thing about him that I had the biggest attraction to was how genuinely *good* he is, as a man. He has a gentle, yet charming sense of humor, an unwavering moral compass, hes a noticeable man of integrity, with unstobbable work ethic, and even though it made him miserable, his loyalty was proven to be without question. I couldn’t even be upset over the fact that his loyalty was not towards me.
So, when I saw his handsome face pop up on the ‘recently online’ list on the dating app that I just got a wild hair to download out of nowhere (for the first time in over 6 months, at least) I had a whirlwind of emotions hit at once. The woman in me was excited that my chance to find happiness with him may not be lost after all, but, that was immediately set aside, at the realization that if he’s on there, it means things have not turned out well for him personally. And that makes me sad, because I know how horrible that feels. I spent all last year in that wretched place, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, not even an enemy! Because I love him, I want to help him feel better, be there for him. He’s done the same for me.
I realize that, in order to help him correctly, I will have to keep my emotions in check. Helping him heal the right way will be about helping him navigate through his grief cycle, to move on to his next phase/stage, where right now, he feels stuck. If my feelings jump in the mix, they can distract that process, and his processing can become confused. We don’t want that.
But a part of me just keeps thinking, I kept telling myself at the time I was losing him two or so years ago, ’If you love someone, let them go, if it’s meant to be, they’ll come back’ Is that what’s happening right now? Is God/ the Universe/ Life giving him back to me? Or am I just overthinking?’
Either way, this is going to turn out fantastic. It’s going to be a fantastic success, or a fantastic failure. I hope it’s the former, he and I both are overdue for a win.