This is 41

Life is not easy. I’m on the cusp of a second divorce, my kids are now adults, and I just started a new job in a new town. Seven years ago, I picked up and moved to another state giving up everything to marry the love of my life, or so I thought. Fast forward to 2018 and I found out he was cheating on me with a woman halfway across the world. I guess in his defense I found out about it because he ended it and she sought me out on Facebook to let me know what he had done. He was remorseful and seemed dedicated to working things out. Turns out he was only dedicated in going through the motions. We went to counseling where we were just spinning circles because he only heard what he wanted to hear from the therapist. What he really wanted to happen was we both pretend it never happened and sweep it under the rug. For the record, that is not how to handle things.

I know what you’re thinking here, why did I even want to try and work things out? It’s not always so simple to just give up an entire lifetime if there was a lapse in judgement for a small amount of time. Especially when there were mental health elements that possibly came into play that needed to be addressed as well. Had I never been contacted by the “jilted lover” then I’d have been blissfully ignorant. If that was truly a one-time lapse in judgement, we could have lived the rest of our lives and been fine. Sometimes what you don’t know truly can’t hurt you. I had a friend that thought I had lost my mind when I said as mad as I was at him, I was also mad at her for telling me. Again, I know what you’re thinking, but hear me out here. Jilted lover said it was because she felt I should know, but we all know that is not why she did that. She did that because she was mad at him and wanted to get back at him. She didn’t have this noble reason for reaching out to me to let me know what had been going on. She was mad and hurt and wanted to cause hurt. This friend of mine who thought I was crazy is in a loving relationship with three children and is living the life we all dream of. So, I presented her with a question: Say your husband had a lapse in judgement for 6 months and he never did anything else ever again your entire lives, would you want to know about that 6 months of your entire lifetime or would you rather live blissfully unaware and have your lifetime of happiness? She very quickly said she would rather not know in that case. So, despite her thinking I’m crazy for wishing I hadn’t been told and thinking I should just end it, she stated if it was her, she wouldn’t want to know about the lapse in judgement.

With that part of the story behind us, let’s fast forward again to December of this past year. I got offered a job back in my home state a little under 2 hours away from my father who is getting older (as if my age didn’t give that away). We were getting settled into our temporary rental home when he decided we should part ways once my house sells and I’m financially stable on my own because I can’t get past his infidelity. Right now you’re probably wondering why he couldn’t have made this decision before picking my life up a second time and moving, well, I’m wondering the same thing right there with you. Now we are awkwardly under the same roof being roommates and trying to act like this is all perfectly normal. Don’t worry, I also did not overlook that little spin how the split is still somehow my fault because of my lack in ability to get over something he never tried to actually fix.

For anyone thinking about cheating on their spouse or significant other, let's look at what it does both mentally and emotionally to the person you proclaimed to love and cherish. He was the type of person that outwardly adored me. He was supportive and was always saying he loved me and how beautiful he thought I was, etc. The last person you could even picture thinking about cheating on their spouse. I felt comfortable and secure. I think I miss the security as much as the good times B.C. (before cheating). The amount of pain and anguish I felt when I found out can only be matched by the pain I felt when I lost my mother. Every time my phone chimed for a messenger notification my heart would race and I'd be shaking because I was scared it was another earth shattering message. I began to overthink everything. Anything I watched that had infidelity in it was a trigger. Songs about it were a trigger. That's just the tip of the iceberg. What I felt about myself and still do is where it hits the hardest. The constant intrusive thoughts. What is wrong with me that made it easy to betray me? What made him do this? Why aren't I good enough? Picking apart the months leading up to it trying to figure out where I went wrong.

Before this I felt I was a fairly attractive person, now I just feel like I'm undesirable and unattractive. My self esteem is awful. I don't have any confidence in any part of my life. Even in my job, there's a promotion I put in for and I have only been able to think about how I'm not good enough, why would they choose me? I think no one likes me because clearly I'm not worthy of love and commitment because this person who proclaimed to love me and adored me couldn't find it within themselves to not stray. I've been working on these things in therapy on my own, but it is a slow uphill process that will take a long time to fully overcome.

When you cheat on someone it goes so much further than just that action. The amount of mental and emotional baggage it causes for the person goes deep and isn't an easy journey to being mentally or emotionally healthy again. There have been studies done that have proven when someone is cheated on it causes them to have a version of PTSD. That's not even adding in the embarrassment you feel. You see it all the time all over social media and TV when a woman is cheated on, people saying things about her as if it's her fault. "She couldn't keep her man" is one you hear over and over. I did everything and bent over backwards for someone who still ended up cheating. It's not about the person who was cheated on. Logically I know this, but I'm still ashamed that it happened and that I have another failed marriage.

So, this is 41. Trying to figure out who I am with no children to raise, no husband to enjoy empty nesting with, and realizing I’m too old and too tired for clubs and bars or to think about hopping back into the world of dating.