Things not to do when you're heartbroken

1. Don't read Normal People or watch it's tv adaptation that recently came out on Stan.

I remember when I first read Normal People and fell in love with the awkward and what was written like it felt very real relationship between Marianne and Connell . It's such a humanising and frustrating novel, and I remember it leaving me emotionally tired and reflecting on how we as humans, have this tendency to inevitably self-sabotage the beautiful, lovely things and connections we have in life. After having recently binged the tv show (which is as perfect an adaption that one could make, has the most beautifully authentic intimacy scenes and the greatest cast), I felt the same emotions, if not more so, than I did when I read the book. Reliving these feelings and watching the ups and downs of the relationship between the two central characters, coupled with the grief and hurt that's still in my hurt, triggered lots of late-night emotional spirals. I do think the show is exquisite though, however, I'd recommend waiting a little bit post-break up or watching it with a friend, who you can lean on throughout the moments on the screen that make your heart feel heavy.

2. Actually, don't watch rom-coms at all.

As we all know, most of the time romantic comedies present a distorted, perfect version of reality that we all know doesn't exist. But because you're already feeling so vulnerable, you won't be able to help but latch onto the story lines and characters. You'll start wishing that you're relationship would have been that particular movies definition of perfect, when it already was your own version of perfect, or as close to it as you got. I thought my relationship was pretty spectacular and magical, but seeing all these other picturesque relationships made me doubt my heart and my former relationship, which is the last thing I wanted to be doing. Instead, why not consume a form of media in which a relationship is not at its centre.

3. Make sure that your former partner isn't the last person you text before you go to bed.

My former partner (I still don't like using the word ex, it just feels dirty) and I are trying to navigate this whole staying friends after the break-up thing. I don't know who its easier for, but I do know that I'm the one that breaks down emotionally quite frequently and often I feel like I have no way of defending myself against these emotional collapses. But upon reflection, I normally spiral emotionally when we're talking late late in the evening or if he his the last person I text. So, I'm currently trying to rectify that. I doesn't always work, and it certainly didn't work last night, but I'm trying my best. Thus, I'd recommend that if you are going through post-break up grief, then make sure that you try to not to fall asleep talking to him or after he's sent you goodnight. I know it's awful and it hurts like hell, but we can do this.

4. Don't let your break-up playlist be the only thing that you listen to.

A big no on that one. Yes, it's amazing to find songs that resonate with you and share your story. I wrote an article on here a few months ago, about my bittersweet break-up playlist which you're more then welcome to have a look at it. Since then, I've added more and more songs to it. Most of the time, it feels quite therapeutic listening to them, but I also spent about two months listening to only my break-up playlist. This lead to me being constantly reminded (and as if I didn't have enough reminders already) about my break up, even in times when I was meant to be recharging and clearing my head between the classes I teach. Consequently, I was left feeling just as drained, or even more drained, of energy and forced to lie even more to my students about how I was feeling that day on a scale of 1/10.

5. Don't beat yourself up.

This is definitely easier said then done. I've had many conversations with my former partner through which I've beat myself up and said that I was the one to blame for what happened. He would and continues to remind me that it's not my fault and that I didn't stuff up. It's hard to believe those things though, especially when its your partner that ended it and you're the one left bruised and wilted. But it is true, it's not your fault. At least, it's not just your fault. There were two of you in the relationship and as horrible as it might sound, whatever happened that made you break up was a joint effort. True, I'm still coming to terms with that but at least I've identified something I need to work on. And I haven't beat myself up yet today, which is definitely a big plus

6. Don't put others first.

Even just writing that sounds super aggressive, but it's true. You, your health and your heart should be number one. That's not to say that you shouldn't look out for and be kind to the people around you, but you need to look after yourself first. Only you know exactly what it is that you're feeling and, even if it sounds awful, you're the only one that is witness to the conversation between your heart and your mind. So you need to make sure that you're looking after yourself. Your friends and family will understand and support you.

7. Don't ignore the advice that others tell you but you also don't need to act on it unless you want to.

I know that statement sounds a bit contradictory, but it's important that you acknowledge what advice that others give you, especially if they're experienced grief or loss before. However, it's just as important that you listen to your gut and your heart and apply from that advice what you think will help you get through this sudden change of circumstance.

8. Don't live in fairy tale land.

Through this break-up, you will have undoubtedly learnt that life isn't a fairytale and that the princess doesn't always get the prince that she thinks is/was her forever. Try not to let yourself get lost in a world of what ifs and try not to conjure up imaginary scenarios in your head. If you keep living in the make believe, then your mind will eventually start thinking that it's reality and there's nothing worse than false hope, trust me.

9. Don't be afraid to feel like you're not you, like you're a different (or a new version) of yourself.

I can honestly say, that I haven't been my normal self, my happy, bubbly and enthusiastic self since December last year. Don't get me wrong, I've still laughed, I've still loved and felt loved, as well as having made some beautiful memories and connections with new people. But I still don't feel like myself. Not quite yet. I constantly lie to my colleagues, the students I teach, to my friends and my family about what I'm feeling. Sometimes even smiling feels like I'm lying. It's hard to stop being the optimistic, happy, enthusiastic girl that everyone knows you as. But pain does that to you. It changes you and I've certainly found that in my case, it takes time to bounce back from it. I hope find a way to bounce back quicker than I am.

10. Don't try to control what you're feeling.

You cannot control the grieving process. It's different for everyone. You cannot predict what will trigger it, or when it will hit. There will be times when you will spiral and there will be times when you forget about your heart for a second, a minute, an hour or even a day. And those moments feel glorious but those moments will just happen organically. You can't schedule a time for grieving, for feeling lonely or for feeling sad. Therefore, make sure that you always carry tissues with you and that you have some pictures of pugs or hedgehogs on you phone to help cheer you up :)

And I can't finish this article, without thanking my friend Zoe Jeffreys, who encouraged me to write this list and stream of consciousness in the first place. May you all find a gal pal like her :)