Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married

Introduction

The book Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married was written by Dr. Gary Chapman. Dr. Chapman’s expertise in marriage begins with the success and failures he and his wife Karolyn have experienced in their marriage for more than 45 years.

He is just the man to turn to for help on improving or healing our most important relationships. His own life experiences, plus over thirty-five years of pastoring and marriage counseling, led him to publish his first book in the Love Language series, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Many of the millions of readers credit this continual New York Times bestseller with saving their marriages by showing them simple and practical ways to communicate love.

Other books

He is also the author of other books such as:

• The Family You’ve Always Wanted;
• The Marriage You’ve Always Wanted;
• Hope For the Separated; and
• Desperate Marriages.

Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married

Gary Chapman writes, “Most people spend far more time in preparation for their vocation than they do in preparation for marriage.” No wonder the divorce rate hovers around fifty percent.

He believes that divorce is the lack of preparation for marriage and the failure to learn the skills of working together as intimate teammates. This practical book is packed with wisdom and tips that will help many develop the loving, supportive, and mutually beneficial marriage that both men and women long for.

Who Is This Book For?

For those who are currently not in a dating relationship and have no immediate prospects, the book will provide a blueprint on moving from singleness to marriage.

For those who are dating but are not yet engaged, the book will help you decide if and when to announce your plans to get married.

And for those who are engaged, the book will help to examine the foundation and learn the skills that are necessary for building a successful marriage.

Why Write This Book

Listen to Dr. Chapman as he explains why this was an important book for him to write.

The 12 Things to Know Before Getting Married

I wish I’d known:

1. That being in love is not an adequate foundation for building a successful marriage.
2. That romantic love has two stages.
3. That the saying “Like mother, like daughter” and “Like father, like son” is not a myth.
4. How to solve disagreements without arguing.
5. That apologizing is a sign of strength.
6. That forgiveness is not a feeling.
7. That toilets are not self-cleaning.
8. That we needed a plan for handling our money.
9. That mutual sexual fulfillment is not automatic.
10. That I was marrying into a family.
11. That spirituality is not to be equated with “going to church”.
12. That personality profoundly influences behavior.

Highlights from Chapter Eight – I Wish I’d Known That We Needed A Plan For Handling Our Money

Step 1: After marriage, it’ll no longer be “my money” or “your money”, but “our money”. The aim is to work as a team to decide how the family’s money will be spent. This also implies that “his” or “her” debt will become “our” debt.

Step 2: Agree on the percentage of income that you will save, give away and spend.

Step 3: Decide before marriage who’ll keep the books after you are married.

Highlights from Chapter Eleven – I Wish I’d Known That Spirituality Is Not To Be Equated With “Going To Church”

Spirituality is often the last thing to get discussed in a dating relationship and often times many couples never get around to discussing their religious beliefs before they get married. The first issue to be examined is one’s concept of God. The second issue is that if you are a Christian, know that Christians come in many different flavors. There is agreement on certain core beliefs such as the divinity of Christ, however, there’s disagreement on many other issues.

Dr. Chapman's final words

The book presented a more realistic view of what should be considered before making the decision to get married. Many have no idea how to reach the aspiration of a lifelong positive marriage relationship. In the last video below Dr. Chapman answers the question “What do most think they know about marriage, but have no idea?”

Money and marriage

Conflicts about money is one of the main reasons that couples get divorced. In 2012, Sonya Britt, a Kansas State University researcher, published in the Family Relations journal that arguing about money is the top predictor of divorce. In addition, a Money Magazine survey showed that couples argue twice as much about money when compared to how often they argued about sex.

How we spend money is an indication of what we value most and it can also reveal deeper character issues. We often underestimate the commitment it’ll take to merge the lives of 2 unique individuals.

6 Marriage & Money Issues

Below are 6 money issues we could face in our marriages.

1. The attitude of “My money” and “Your money” and not “Our money”.
2. Debt: from school loans to car loans to credit cards and every other debt in-between.
3. Personality: spenders vs savers, debtors vs investors.
4. Extended Family: taking care of aging parents or grandparents, helping out a sibling.
5. Children: deciding when and how many to have, day-to-day child care expenses, school fees.
6. Power Play: can occur in situations where one spouse works and the other doesn’t, or if one spouse earns more than the other, or if one spouse comes from a wealthy family.

Tips for resolving Marriage & Money Issues

Some of us never learned about money beliefs and values as a child. For some, the extent of the teachings from our parents stopped at them asking/saying:

“Do you think that I’m made out of money?”

or

“Money doesn’t grow on trees!”

As a result, talking about money doesn’t come naturally. Below are a few suggestions to help us learn how to communicate more effectively about money.

• Talk openly about money before marriage.
• Try to understand each other's history, habits, and beliefs about money.
• Respect each other's money skills.
• Come up with a money plan that best serves both of you. Include in this plan shared objectives and targets. Stick to the plan and adjust as necessary as time passes.
• Have frequent non-judgmental money check-up discussions with each other. Communicate needs during these conversations.
• Support each other through good times and bad. Recall that the vows said “…for richer or poorer…”.
• Allow each other some financial wiggle room, but be accountable to each other and keep good records.