Things all great listeners know

Understanding what it truly means to be an excellent listener is not as straightforward as recognizing when someone isn't paying attention. Behavioral scientists have uncovered that effective listening holds immense power in enhancing relationships, expanding our perspectives, and even influencing others' perspectives. So, what can we do to cultivate this skill and become better listeners?

At its essence, one-on-one conversation involves showing a genuine interest in the other person and making them feel understood. While there's no one-size-fits-all definition of high-quality listening, some recurring traits include attentiveness, conveying comprehension, and projecting a positive intent toward the speaker. It's not merely going through the motions—research reveals that simply smiling and nodding at predetermined intervals falls short. Listening has an element of performance to it; it's vital to demonstrate that you're actively engaged. In addition to attentively focusing on the speaker's words, good listeners employ questions and body language to convey their understanding and desire to comprehend.

Initially, this may feel awkward, and the effectiveness may vary depending on your relationship with the speaker. However, over time and with practice, these fundamental behaviors can become second nature.

Imagine a scenario where a close friend wishes to confide in you about a problem they're facing in their relationship. Before commencing your conversation, eliminate any distractions from the environment. Turn off the TV, remove your headphones, and stow your phone far away. Studies show that even the visible presence of a phone can diminish the intimacy and satisfaction of a conversation.

Once the conversation begins, one of the most obvious yet crucial things to do is to avoid interrupting. This doesn't mean you must remain completely silent, but when interjecting, look for natural pauses to pose open-ended questions that benefit the speaker rather than merely satisfying your curiosity. Questions like "What happened next?" or "How did that make you feel?" confirm that you're following the narrative while helping the speaker delve deeper into their thoughts. Another way to demonstrate understanding is to summarize what you've heard and ask if you've missed anything. Such summaries convey your commitment to understanding rather than just waiting for your turn to speak. Speaking of which, while a good conversation involves a back-and-forth exchange, planning your response while the speaker is talking often leads to missing important details. Stay present, and if you lose focus, don't hesitate to request that the speaker repeat what you missed. This may seem embarrassing, but asking for clarification underscores your commitment to understanding. Lastly, don't shy away from silence. It's perfectly acceptable to ask for a moment to gather your thoughts before responding, and this pause can help the speaker reflect on their words.

While these adjustments may appear small, collectively, they make a substantial impact. When people feel heard, they report greater satisfaction, trust, and connection in their relationships. In the workplace, employees who feel heard tend to experience less burnout and perceive managers who listen to them more favorably. However, it can be challenging to muster the focus and attention required when you disagree with or dislike the speaker. In such situations, your efforts to listen openly might yield the greatest benefits. Psychological reactance theory suggests that attempting to force someone to change their viewpoint can lead to a defensive stance. Recent research indicates that high-quality listening fosters open-mindedness by creating a non-judgmental and psychologically safe environment. Open-minded listening isn't about changing people's minds; it's about providing a platform for their thoughts and feelings. Good listening doesn't equate to agreement, and conversations need not always conclude with a resolution. Even during disagreements, being heard can be the catalyst for deeper, more meaningful conversations.