They Told Me Not To Love Him

They told me not to love my first boyfriend because we were too young. They told me not to love him because I could do so much better. Why fall in love at 15? Why fall in love at 15 with the boy who has a lisp, wears braces, and is a theater geek?

"You're so pretty, honey, don't get too attached to him. He's not a real boyfriend anyway, all you do is hold hands in the hallways at school."

They told me not to love my second boyfriend because we were both 17 and graduating high school. They told me not to love him because he was joining the Navy while I was leaving our small town to go to New York. I had the promising world of journalism ahead of me while he was diving into the military. They told me not to love him because we were both tackling our life adventures.

"You don't need no silly boy to hold you back from your dreams. He'll be in the Navy anyways. There's lots of pretty girls he will meet in the Navy."

They told me not to love my third boyfriend because he had a child. They told me not to love him because he was 21, actually had 2 children, and I was only 18 and in my first month of college. They told me not to love him because he obviously wasn't responsible. They also told me not to love him because I was in college and should explore my options. I didn't listen this time.

I fell in love with him and he loved me too. After three months of dating, he stopped talking to me one day. I broke up with him over text for not talking to me for three days, knowing he must have been hiding something. We texted every day and never went even a few hours without talking, so he must have been lying to me and hiding some dirty secret. He was.

"I'm in Colorado... I left because life in New York is not good for me. I'm living with my mother. I love you."

I tried to move on; I tried not to fall in love with anyone. I casually saw other boys, but never thought much of them. And then two months later, he was back in New York. He came to my dorm to apologize.

We laid in my twin size bed, my head on his chest. I asked what happened as some indie band sung quietly on my phone.

"There was an arrest warrant out for me. I was doing a lot of drugs before I left. I owed a lot of people a lot of money... So I left. I still love you, though. I've quit the drugs and I'm going to focus on you and bettering my life."

I told myself not to love him once I left New York to live in Texas for a year. He had given his ex (and mother of one of his children) the same speech. They still loved each other. He's with neither of us now. He has a new girlfriend though and is feeding her his lies as well. She messaged me on Facebook one time telling me to leave her boyfriend alone before blocking me from his account. They seem pretty happy together, so I moved on.

They told me not to love my fourth boyfriend because he was on probation. They told me not to love him because he had to breathe into a breathalyzer three times a day, did not have a car, and was on probation. I fell in love with him. I fell in love with the way he made me laugh. However, I did not love how he had to bring a breathalyzer with him on every date. I did not love how I had to stuff a breathalyzer in my purse when we went to the movies. I did not love driving him everywhere. I did not love our situations. I did not love how nothing seemed to be his fault. He blamed his probation on everyone but himself. He blamed our failed relationship on me.

"Own up and stop blaming everyone else for your own problems."

They told me not to love my fifth and current boyfriend because he is ten years older. They told me not to love him because I am 19 and he is 29. They tell me to love someone my own age, but why should I? Boyfriend #1 could not be loved because he was not good enough. Boyfriend #2 could not be loved because he could find something better when he left. Boyfriend #3 had too much on his mind. Boyfriend #4 had to sort out his life first. Now, boyfriend #5 seems perfect to me, and yet I shouldn't date him because of our age. He treats me right and he knows what he wants. He knows he wants me and I want him. With every 1am video call, I know I will fall in love with him one day.

People will continuously tell me who not to love, but they don't know who I should love. No one will ever meet their standards, and if someone does meet their standards, I'm obviously not good enough for this magical specimen. They will constantly complain about who I'm dating, but do they really care about my wellbeing? They learn about my current boyfriend and bring up past boyfriends.

"What about boyfriend #2? He's in the Navy now!"

"How about boyfriend #4? I saw him working at a fancy restaurant, he must be earning fat tips! Very handsome boy, he is, I don't know why on Earth you broke up with that nice young man."

They forgot about the things they used to say about them. What if I do break up with my current boyfriend? Will they bring him up when I'm with boyfriend #7 or #9? They forget that he's my boyfriend, not theirs. It doesn't matter if we fit in society's mold of the perfect couple.

When we put our hands together, they intertwine perfectly. When I'm laying next to him, I swear my head fits perfectly in the space above his collarbone. When we're talking, my quietness matches his loudness. He makes me smile, he makes me laugh, and he makes me happy.

So who cares if I shouldn't love him? I will anyway.