They Did You A Favor

“They did you a favor”, my dad told me after a guy I really fell for dumped me in an email on Christmas Eve.

What a shitty thing to do; dumping someone in a lousy, pathetic email.

To be fair, the guy who did it to me did try to make it up to me. It’s all ancient history now. But my dad’s words stayed with me.

I had no idea how potent my dad’s advice would be until about six years later.

I didn’t completely appreciate my dad’s advice of, “They did you a favor” until a series of other relationships ended in nearly the same way.

My ex-boyfriend and I enjoyed just over five years together. It was glorious what we had. We both traveled back and forth to visit each other’s countries. Sometimes we met up in London, where we first met face to face, for adventures. We spent whole days wandering with only a slight outline of what we might explore that particular day. It was beautiful to have those blissful moments together.

We both met up face to face at a Jack the Ripper conference in London. Both of us loved unsolved mysteries. We explored dark historic places together, like one of the hideout locations in the A6 Murderer case, the Jack the Ripper victims, and possible suspects locations. We explored some of the most exciting art scenes such as the Tate Modern, Utrecht’s Art Open Art Studio Event, and my favorite, Seven Stars Yard just off Brick Lane. We were both foodies and loved to cook. We never argued.

The dream had me high. I had no idea it would end the way it did.

This time I was dumped in a text instead of an email. No flowery meandering around the subject like the last dumper. “I love her. I think I want to live with her.” My ex put that in a text. He typed that to me in a fucking text. He had just visited me for two weeks. He could have told me to my face. But he chose the modern coward way out.

My head swirled into the abyss of mad as hell, angry, hell hath no fury, Betty Broderick’s, Lorena Bobbitt’s, and Clara Harris’ of the world mindset. That’s extreme I know. I won’t apologize. All that effort and that is how he chose to end our relationship? I deserved to be pissed.

The few family members and my one best friend I let in on why I was so depressed after I was dumped rallied behind me and gave me the usual advice. “Move on”, “There are other fish in the sea”, “Fuck him" "He was trash”, were the well-meaning lines they gave me. I was still numbly depressed and heartbroken even after all of their pep talks.

My dad’s advice came to mind, “They did you a favor.”

I let my now ex walk away. My dad’s words began to sink in.

Deep breath.

About three months after that, a client, one of my art patrons, that was in the process of buying a lot of my artwork, veered off the rails. She sent me a series of abusive flippant texts after I told her I needed a short break because I was having some personal problems. I knew she had issues. I didn’t understand the depths of her issues. Normally I would have tried to get her some help. I would have stuck it out and kept listening to her even though I knew I would have been shit canned for it, but not this time.

This time, I walked away. I blocked her incoming abusive texts. Dad’s advice, “They did you a favor”, took hold.

I then lost half of my income due to the pandemic. The school I taught at sent out an email saying they were closed during the lockdown. No one called to personally inform us of the lockdown closing. They sent the notice in an unceremonious mass email. I used to teach drawing and painting part-time there. I never really liked teaching. One of the exceptions came when a student created more than they imagined possible or when they got excited about a new medium. That was always cool to witness. The school I worked for hadn’t given me a raise in the ten years I had taught there. I was not earning what I deserved.

I decided not to rejoin that school where I was underpaid even after the lockdown was over, I had been vaccinated, and I needed the income. “They did you a favor”, I could hear my dad say.

It’s obscene what we let others do to us when we just accept things for too long. I used to always say, “It’s okay. I understand.” I don’t say that anymore.

I apply my dad’s advice to everyone and everything now. From social media trolls to people that I have been friends with for many years, and family. When they have wronged me I think to myself, they did me a favor. And then I walk away.

I no longer try to keep toxic people in my life if they don’t want me. I don’t help abusers. And I refuse to accept less than what I deserve.

Dad was right. They did me a favor. ∞