The Weight of my Greatest Achievement

Upon grasping it, the money sent tremors to my body, and for an eternity, I didn’t know whether I’d raise it high or drop it to the ground. On one hand, the freedom and wings attached to the check could lift my far away from this life, but on the other hand, the weight and gravitas of what I now possessed could perhaps plunge me into a pit darker than I’d ever known.

“I would again like to express my gratitude.” The man in the suit nodded and waved the little black notebook that I’d handed him just two minutes ago. “If these notes had gotten out, my company would’ve been ruined. You saved a lot of lives, kid. Both mine and the people working for me. If the money does run out let me know because your kindness saved me a lot more than twenty thousand.”

“I… I…” I stared blankly at him, not because I felt no emotion but because so many were fighting for control. “I… can’t.”

“Relax, you deserve it. A lot of people wouldn’t have done what you did.” The old man clasped me by the shoulder and smiled. “You’re a good kid, and I won’t forget this.”

“Thank you.” I smiled back, and just like that; he was gone. The shadow that once lay beneath his figure disappeared, and as the sun set behind me, my shadow grew where his had been. It wasn’t until darkness began to seep out of the horizon that I began to move, and once I did, my hands remained cradled around the slip of paper in my hand.

My heart pounded against my chest, but compared to the sound of my thoughts, I could barely hear it. Even while light remained, I felt the world vanishing around me until nothing existed but me and the stack of bills in my hand.

I never thought that I’d get here. The previous hours seemed to all happen so fast and with so little consideration. I was just grabbing a soda on my way home from school and saw it fall out of his pocket. I didn’t even know what it was. I just picked it up and ran after him. He was even walking in my house’s direction. Yet, somehow, it mattered so much. Such a tiny act of nothingness did matter.

My house lay just a few blocks down the road, and given how low that sun had gotten, I knew Mother would scold me. However, if she saw what I carried, would she forget about that? In one small afternoon, I’d paid my way through my first three semesters of college, and we wouldn’t ever have to worry about becoming like the Johnsons, scrounging and pinching every penny within reach just to stay afloat.

I stopped and turned my eyes towards the darkening sky. My family needed the money, but also, we didn’t. In the long run, we’re mostly fine with little standing in our way of working back up from debt, even if I got into an expensive college. Even if I used this money only for good things, there were people who could accomplish more good with it, who could save more lives. However, even if I gave it to the Johnsons, were there not people who deserved it more? Although the Johnson’s financial situation was terrible, at least both of their parents had jobs. If we compared them to people in third world countries or elsewhere around the world, it wasn’t right to give it to them either.

A harsh wind tugged at my body dragging me backwards, and pulling my hood on over my head, I tried to shut out the cold. Unfortunately, the darkness clawed its way through my clothing, and I shuddered. A charity would be able to distribute the money to people in far away countries who needed it more than anyone around here, but at the same time, there’d no doubt be some overhead. On top of that, how would I decide what charity to use? I loved animals, but would donating it to an animal shelter hold the same weight as donating for food and water? On top of that, would donating to food suppliers save more than water suppliers? Would vaccines or any advanced technology help more than water in the long run? Would donating to a closer location reduce overhead? So many questions, and to all of them, I had a single answer: I don’t know.

This question was too much for me to handle, the weight of the money pulling me further downward. Perhaps, I shouldn’t let it be my choice. Passing it to my parents or a friend would solve that, but at the same time, I knew how they’d respond. They’d suggest putting it towards my own future and to worry about other problems once I left college. If I were to give it to them, I’d be surrendering control of the money willingly as a way of giving myself a pass for a selfish outcome. There’s no decency in that, but was there decency in anything I did?

When I picked up that small, black notebook, did I know that I’d receive a reward. I hardly put any thought into the action, but maybe, that was just what I was telling myself to avoid the harsh reality, that I did do it for the reward. Back when I first spotted it, my only impression of the man was a figure in a suit and tie, and from that image alone, it’d be reasonable to expect that he’d have money to spend on a reward. Even if I didn’t expect twenty thousand, would it be immoral if I expected something in return, or was it justified? I did a kind act for another person, and even if the result was selfish, it didn’t change what I did was the right thing. If kind acts were exchanged between two individuals, did it matter the intent behind them, or was it the intention that mattered? If so, would it matter where I sent the money if I sent it would the best intentions.

I scoffed. Of course, the final result mattered. If I truly had the best intentions, I’d do whatever I could to determine the people in need of it most, and whether I should invest in the future or the present. The thoughts of my parents’ suggestion returned to me, and I stopped as I weighed the idea further. It would be selfish if I were to donate the money to myself, but what if it was never meant to stay with me? If I poured money into myself as an investment, I could reduce student loans, and by the time I’d paid them off, I’d have no doubt saved more than the original twenty thousand. I could also use it to invest in a professional suit and equipment that would help me acquire a higher paying job.

Perhaps, that would provide me the most money in the long run, but it also meant that I donated nothing for years. Once again, should I donate the money now or wait and donate more then, and was my personal bias affecting my choice? Was I considering investing in myself because I was trying to find a way to benefit myself while under the guise of doing something good? Was it the black notebook all over again?

I shook my head and glanced up to glimpse a familiar building towering above me. My family’s two-story house glared down at me, and inside, I could already hear the clatter of my sisters setting the table. Just a few more steps, and my journey would be over. Once inside, I could hand over the check or start my research, but I couldn’t move.

Something within my body anchored me down, and despite my best efforts to move into the light, the weight of the check kept me shrouded by darkness. For some reason, I didn’t want this to end. As much as the money brought me conflict, something about it made me hesitant to part with it in any manner.

This money, I wanted to do something grand with it and make a real difference, but in reality, I could likely make the twenty thousand in a single year once I obtained a job. So, why did this money, these twenty-thousand dollars matter so much? Eventually the answer came to me, and the man in a suit’s words rang in my head.

“You saved a lot of lives, kid.” His thankful voice flooded through me, and I felt a sigh leave my body. This money, it wasn’t the biggest chance I’d ever have to donate, but it was the remnant of what I did earlier today. This money was my reminder of the fact that I’d been responsible for saving lives, perhaps the greatest thing I’d ever do, and once it was gone, I’d return to my old life. What I did with this money would be the final act of the me who had returned that little black notebook to the man in a suit. After I did that, I’d be back to just me.

Once I stepped forward and decided what to do with the money, I’d be back to normal, and my greatest accomplishment would vanish into the distant past. To know your greatest accomplishment was behind you, I couldn’t think of a greater punishment. Still, there was no changing that fact no matter how long I lingered in the comforting darkness. One moment, I would have to move forward, and leave what I’d done today behind. Even if I never reached this height, the only future that remained was in front of me. I could hide in the darkness, contemplating what I’d do for years, but where’d that get me?

Taking a deep breath, I emerged out of the darkness and approached the door. Maybe one day I’d face this choice again, but for now, I just had to accept the situation and do what I thought was best. Slowly, I unclenched my hand to glimpse at the check, but my heart stopped as my eyes landed on an empty palm.

The check was gone, and I realized it must’ve slipped out of my grasp as I was wondering through the darkness. For a moment, I was speechless, and my body froze as I didn’t know what to do. After all that debating, all that illusion of power, and all that strife, I’d lost it, and slowly, a laugh began to echo from me.